i thought i was all alone...

i really thought for the longest time that i was alone.
past couple years has been difficult for me. i have been suffering from anxiety & depression. And now it has taken a toll on my work life and personal life. i have been working on this for some months now. but i also realize that there is a hidden guilty pleasure that has a grip on me. i cant remember the amount of time i have masturbated. i think it started when i between 11 to 13. i cant remember. i remember thou that i found out the pleasure by rubbing my self rather that the conventional method. at first i didnt even know what it was just that it felt good. i think only later on did i realize when i was older what it was.
till today i actually rub my self on the bed and get off. my dick is slanted towards the left for a reason. this hidden prevision i have kept to my self for years i told no one. no family no friends. Infact my friends think i am a saint. when infact i used to masturbated like atleast 5 times a day. only recently i told my therapist and when i did i start crying and thats when i realized what i had done to myself.
i have a love and hate relationship with porn. i download and then feel bad and then delete. i become a tumble googling master.
i came across this site a month or so back. i got determined and stopped for a 8 days at once. then relapsed. today i am angry frustrated and am determined to channel that emotion towards changing. hence i signed up... to fight.
Like many thread i was an athlete once upon a time. i have over 70 medals from various sports. now a days i have a nice big round pack. along with a failing business and de- motivated staff because there leader has fucked it up for some time.