I think we all want success. I think in my own case I just haven't done enough to get there. I've very recently began to journal. My ideals, my thoughts, my feelings, how I think it will feel to be clean for 100 days... everything goes in there. I've went back and combed old journal entries from prior times when I attempted to journal. I see patterns... patterns and programs playing themselves out time and time again. They are destined to repeat unless they are actively deleted by a change in another direction. I know that the change has to come from me. I have to do the things necessary today to get to where I want to be tomorrow. Today I have installed Bluecoat k9 on the highest setting on my work PC, where I have the most trouble (self-employed, alone most of the time). I set up another email account to do it, and then I deleted the account. If I didn't do that I'd get weak and break my own barriers down again and again like I always have. That's where I'm at, and I'm sure some of you guys are there too, or have been there in the past. No more PC use at home, not for any reason. Not even to check the weather. I'm done until I can make it 100 days. I'm going to follow the advice of those who have come before me and begin to truly deal with my feelings as they arise instead of ignore and relapse. I have to face that I want to keep pornography around in my life or I wouldn't continue to relapse. I can deal with the withdrawal symptoms. I don't mind not sleeping much, or vivid nightmare scenarios based on this addiction, or the lack of normal pleasure responses. I just need to remove my access to this stuff or I'll find myself right back at it. I hope if you're reading this and you are at the same place as me that you join me in doing everything you can think of to end this cycle. I plan on reaching 100 days clean on hardmode, no peeking, no b.s. in August. Any of you guys who have already made it and struggled like hell to get there... Thanks for being here and sharing your success. This is much more difficult than I thought it would be when I started a couple of years ago. It has consumed me, and to finally make it, I'm going to allow recovery to consume me. I'm going to allow just living moment to moment without going backwards to consume me.
You're on the right path. That's a start. My advice is; do something active against your addiction. It's not enough to simply avoid it. You cannot be passive against. You have to fight it and that you can do in many ways. Some people do it by disciplin like running and socializing (me) and other people do it by mediatating. That's only examples but there are many ways to beat an addiction. The only important thing is to go against and not only stop, cause that will be tough on you! Sitting alone at home not doing it is sort of like awaiting temptations to kick in. Waiting to rationazing your way to fapping. Do something and do what you know and feel is the right things to do.
