I think i messed up so bad... Did i relapse?

Delete it. Block it if you need. I recently blocked Google Play store bc I kept going back to it to download apps. Do what it takes to get free. You are worth it

 

Only you can judge if you have relapsed. Everyone here has their own convictions of their actions. The important thing is, the past is the past. You can choose where you go from here into the future. I'm sorry to hear you have these feelings. Porn and lust pollute us and makes us hate ourselves. But you are better than porn. You are a unique, created being with capacity to love and grow and be a positive influence in the world. Do not rob the world of what you can become, brother

 

You either work on relapse or you work on recovery. You surely worked towards relapse. This time you might only have slipped. Make sure you do not go sniffing around those profiles anymore. Next time for sure you'll know if you relapsed or not. Stay strong.
PS: Oh ... and no need to kill yourself It was a slip. Shit happens. Recovery is no linear process. Take from this experience what is helpful and do not repeat.

 

Well, that is in a way up to you. For me a slip would be when I for example act out very briefly and then would again leave it and move on. A relapse is more when binging and I am obsessed again in thinking, lasts longer.
In any case it depends on what you define your goals to be, you define your bottom-line, the behavior you you do longer want to engage in.
I know of a Psychiatrist who calls a relapse a lap of honor which I also find a good way to put it.
There's no need for self-bashing when slipping, relapsing or doing a lap of honor. Be honest, strict, get back up, reflect what you take away from it and move on.

In SLAA I defined my bottom-lines. Or here is something that helps you define behavior that is either helpful, critical or harmful:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_circles

 

It is normal to have struggle at the beginning stage of quitting porn. But if you want to save yourself, you have to avoid all triggers (e.g. unfollow all soft porn in social media). Given that the cost of getting soft porn is so low, you would probably download/unblock instagram again as it is tempting to you.

Our aim is rebuild a new life and see the best of ourselves. We are always with you. Don't give up your future as the wonder is waiting for you.

If you don't mind, I would like to share an inspiring story of success to you. The approaches of quitting trigger is explained in detail. Hopefully it helps.

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/365-days-a-year-after-being-born-again.333813/

 

NOFAP is not a perfect journey. It's a learning process. Does not matter if you happen to relapse or not, as long as you keep trying and understanding why you must quit porn, find ways to know yourself better, and become a stronger person and if you believe in yourself and if you are persistent you will achieve your goals. be kind to you!

 

Focus on the long streak, focus on all the days you are clean and sober, focus on what you've achieved. Not on that one time. Whether it was a slip or a relapse. The many days you succeeded and still succeed They are important. Imagine a toddler learning to walk. That is us starting recovery. The toddler then gets up makes first steps, falls, gets back up, makes more steps, walks meters, falls, gets back up, walks a mile and stumbles, gets back up and walks. The toddler does not focus on the falling or he would never be able to walk.
You keep walking as you've done already and getting better at it, step by step, one day at a time. Focus on the many good and sober day, they give you the strenghts and the faith that you can do it. You can.