I think I just need pantyhose in my life

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING

When I relapsed the day before NNN, I did it by chatting on the FapDeciders subreddit (basically people tell you how and to what to jerk off) with a Femboy, who was willing to give me tasks on how to jerk off. He send me a pic of him in stockings. He then deleted his account after a minute, post nut clarity must've set in. I also deleted my reddit account later.

But the fact that I was willing to fap to a pic of a (feminine) guy in stockings is basically telling me, that my sexuality revolves literally only around tight feminine clothes (pantyhose, stockings, leggings), and that I'm willing to fap to a guy wearing it although I'm hetero actually.

So I feel as if my fetish is escalating, especially when I'm not surrounded by women who wear pantyhose.

Talking to and hanging out with female colleagues my age who also happen to wear pantyhose is, for me personally, very comforting. Just for the very fact that they are wearing pantyhose, I'm happier, more at peace and definitely not interested in Femboys wearing pantyhose anymore.

So, I don't know why exactly, but it's just comforting, and because it's psychologically comforting me, I project it onto myself (as I don't have a gf and don't plan to have one) by desiring to cross dress. Or I get so desperate that I get aroused by something I am usually not aroused to, namely Femboys and sissies.

My question is: How should I deal with it in a healthy manner? Pantyhoses and such are a literal source of happiness for me, especially if a woman is wearing them. Everything is just so comforting about it: How it feels like, even how it smells like after a long day.

I don't know if simply starting to cross dress would solve anything, I fear it could lead to escalation. But NoFap also leads me to escalation (I only was willing to sexchat with a Femboy in stockings as I was horny as fuck)

I must somehow find this kind of happiness outside of the world of tight clothes

 

I think I just need to accept that I will never get to feel the pleasures of pantyhose and nylon

I won't cross dress as I'm too paranoid and shaving makes my whole body itch for 2 weeks at least

I won't get a girlfriend because I have fear of commitment and I'm too busy in life right now

Escort and such is also out of question due to paranoia and it being illegal

Therefore, I will never get to enjoy pantyhose and nylon

So if I fantasize about it, I just keep torturing myself, because I know I won't get it, but I'm still imagining it that I got it. It's like telling a starving child to imagine eating Pizza, or to watch Mukbang videos.

 

I struggle with the feelings that there is nothing better in the world than succumbing to my fetishes, like why should I deny myself something that feels so good. The longer the streak the less I get those feelings, but I've noticed on down days I definitely think about it more. I'd avoid noticing pantyhose on your coworkers, or even thinking about them in general, and try and focus on the positive aspects of your life.

 

It's impossible to avoid noticing it. I even notice that they are wearing pantyhose if they wear jeans (because the color of their ankles is different and smoother)

About succumbing to fetishes: Yes, I've got the exact same feeling, and it only vanishes if I experience post nut clarity for 30 minutes afterwards (or if I feel sick, then I'm to exhausted for anything)

I kind of think that after having watched P for 13 years (and for 8 years if it comes down to regular P, and not soft P which is women showing their feet in pantyhose and nothing more), i just conditioned myself that succumbing to my fetishes is the ultimate way of obtaining happiness, but because I can't live them out IRL, I'm frustrated, and PMO does not satisfy me really.

If I think about it, I can't really find another thing which would make me happy really. I take life very serious and have little room left for finding happiness.

The closest thing which feels nearly as good as "succumbing to my fetishes" is eating junk food after a long fast. But besides that? Nothing really

So, in short, my problem at least is that living out my fetishes is the only known way for me to be happy and "live life". I can do anything else: driving sports cars, playing in the Casino, have literally the best time in my life, but it will never make me as happy and fulfilled as if I'd be living out my fetishes IRL. It's like the only missing thing here, like for a smoker after he finishes eating, that meal will never feel as good as with a cigarette afterwards

 

I think I do understand how u feel. I have over 25 years of P. I used drugs in high school and even harder stuff in college, but at the end of the day I really only had one true drug of choice. It's a difficult thing that I'm struggling with to give up something I enjoy so much, but I believe/hope that thought process is just dopamine conditioning, that can be undone with a long reboot. Have you tried a reboot and found that it didn't work?

 

My record is 30 days. It's just that after a while, I get so horny that - due to not having any kind of other way to release my sexual energy - I basically completely escelate and relapse in the worst possible way (like a few days ago I was on that FapDeciders subreddit and a Femboy was sending pics of himself to me)

I just feel as if I'm accumulating too much sexual energy and I don't know how to release it in a healthy manner

 

Imo there r healthier ways of releasing that energy, but yeah I know that can be rough. From my perspective escalation doesn't take u anywhere good. I deeply wish I had stopped sooner.

 

What are the healthier ways to release that energy?

 

Honestly it's a matter for u to decide. I gather from this website that there's a lot of 'sex positivity' here and they may suggest finding a partner u can engage with these fetishes with in person instead of pixels. I personally think my fetishes r unnatural and am only interested in having a 'vanilla' sex life. Either way if you don't have a partner to release that energy with obv I don't think u should pmo. If u find the energy unbearable I'd try to release with hiit exercise and cold showers.

 

I know, right? Everyone here is telling me to get a partner. But no one thinks that I maybe don't want a partner in the first place, due to personal reasons.

 

I don't want a partner because:

* fear of commitment as all the marriages I've seen ended up being shit for the guy

* don't want to fall in love and have my feelings hurt (I haven't been in love for at least 6 years and honestly it's awesome)

* I'm too busy in life, I would be a bad boyfriend as I'd have little time and energy to sacrifice for a partner. Basically I need all the time and energy I have for other things than a partner.

* I am actually very very happy and thankful being a single, it's just that sometimes my biology kicks in and tells me to ejaculate, and that's my problem here

 

Dude, just stop. Let's agree that we don't agree with each other on that subject. Everything you said does not apply to me.

For me, relationships restrict your freedom. I honestly would rather go to a prison than be in a relationship, let alone marriage.

Your view on life and relationships is nothing i can apply to myself.

You say its better to have loved but lost, I don't say so. It's not that I fear the death of my partner, I fear that my partner will abandon me. I was once heart broken and it destroyed me. People literally kill themselves when their partner betrays them. And I know that my friends and parents will not abandon me (as long as I don't do anything stupid at least), and if at all, we only grow apart but still remain friendly with each other.

I'm not from the US, I'm from Europe, but basically what I meant was that the marriage between my dad and mom (and grandpa and grandma) is like living hell for a guy, I honestly think that living in North Korea is better than these marriages I've witnessed.

I'm a student and have lots of work to do, that's why I'm busy, I'm trying to keep getting As so I won't lose my scholarship.

I don't want to have anything to do with relationships and women

 

Yes, you're kinda right. I can't turn off that switch. I wish I could. I just hope that with time, my libido will decrease and I will finally be free from sexual desires.

Just like my romantic desires went to zero over the years.