I think I am going mental...

Hello,
I am seeking for a piece of advice but, importantly, I want some space where I can be heard because I cannot talk to anyone about my situation.

I moved in with my partner more than a year ago. I come from a different country and I decided to stay in the UK after lockdown. We have a lovely relationship but because of his Asperger's and years of living on his own we have had some turbulent time. At least from my perspective.
After a few months I found more and more evidence he has a huge problem with porn. It started when he accidently opened his Youtube search bar and I spotted - Amy B ASMR so I was intrigued to look it up. That moment I cannot forget I was heartbroken but we talked about it and I had the impression he wouldnt watch it again. Days and weeks later I was nosy and went through his search history on the computer and phone and found more videos by the creature in question, zoomed pictures of womens butts, cosplayers of humongous dimensions, anime characters in lingerie and transwomen. On top of that he does cyberstalking as he has stalked his female colleagues, female friends from the past and his ex he has checked every week. We had numerous discussions about that when I was crying and shaking and was talking about my feeelings and how insecure it makes me feel (especially he touched himself a lot when I was at home cooking and doing chores while he was ejaculating upstairs in our bed and computer). Every time he promised he would not do that again because he loves me a lot and I am the one. Every time I believed it. THe final straw was when I saw fresh cum in his pants in the laundry so I started packing all my belongings, I was mental and had no idea where I could go. We were both emotional and I was shouting at him that I hate him. He was crying and begged me to stay. That day we watched videos about porn addiction so he could analyse what went wrong in his life and we discussed it - it all suddenly made sense to him. He cut everything off ultimately and I have tried to regain that trust and broken bond.

However, I am not able to forgive all the pain and trauma I had to undergo. The same year I had already lost 3 family members due to covid and then experienced back stabbing from my new partner...I am also a highly sensitive person so everything is for me intense. I have felt suicidal (I have small scars on my forearms) and self-doubtful about my body image as I do not belong to his porn category. I have still been having doubts about him, if he still masturbates... I want to trust him, but I still have these ambiguous feelings. I feel paranoid and I am often up and down. Dont want to see GP to get antidepressants. I try to do hobbies I enjoy, but it requires energy and motivation and I sometimes lack it.
We love each other a lot and we are engaged now but I need a lot of time to process all my trauma and I want to be heard and supported and relate to similar people. It is difficult to discuss his addiction with him, although I sometimes try.
Do you think that I exaggerate or is my unstable state of mind justified? I am open to hear anything. Thank you

 

Thank you for your reply. I am not going to rush into the marriage but I am not going to leave him at this point. He has still need to learn a lot. For me transparency for is paramount in a relationship and repeated it before. He comes from a family where his parents could not communivate with him and it carries this his whole life. I will try not to be too excited about us but focus on the present and be more patient with his progress. Last friday I could not sleep because I faked a scenario in my head, as my brain is damaged too, and was overthinking that he must do it in the shower and all this rubbish. I told him before as well that if he wants a girlfriend of a different race - what is what he has sought - or a gym girls with perfect ass than he look for this girl. I feel like my visage apparently do not tick his boxes.
I agree this world is disgusting. Social media are full of slutty women and attention seekers. Consequently I have deactivated one of my social media account and I do not miss all this content.