I think I’m cured

I think I made it. I know the title is misleading because in reality there was nothing to be cured. I think most of you have read my posts about my bizarre fetish I developed in kindergarten. Basically I find it arousing when overweight people sit on me men or women. I tried to get male friends to sit on me, I did consume a lot of bbw/ssbbw content,I did join gay sites, I did it all. This fetish was my entire sexuality.

Now after over 1 year of trying to quit fetish pornography I was confused and scared of the fact that I might never really heal because I developed this fetish before being exposed to porn and this fetish was also the first thing I looked up and consumed for over a decade. I am 24 years old now. I have also read a lot of books, researches and online material about trauma, brain pathways and neuroscience in general and everything that’s available in the ybop website. Also done a lot of self integration and reflection which I’m sure has contributed a lot in my journey and led me to understand that I have this fetish as a coping mechanism trying to process what happened in kindergarten, but i was never able to and this caused a lot of urges and paraphilic behaviors.

Sometimes I check myself to normal nude women because I want to be aroused by normal stuff, and sometimes I come across IG pages that promote onlyfans content and I’m not lying or making anything up but I came across a OF model and I got hard. Not like a soft erection this was a serious legit erection.

Now this leaves me with 2 questions, maybe I had normal attraction towards normal stuff all the time but it was overshadowed by my extreme niche fetish consumption and porn escalation/ fetish escalation. Maybe I put too much effort into thinking I’m not curable when in reality it was all just a lie. Or I’m just an extreme over thinker and was suicidal and depressed over stuff that wasn’t even real, just an illusion that fetish porn and porn escalation gave me.

also I apologize if this post is triggering. I’m just very happy today. My journal definitely hasn’t been easy. It has been depressing, suicidal and very dark.