I should make a no paid-sex VOW but the possibility of it happening is destroying me

I caught an STI doing this. I learned the hard way and that was enough

 

How did it happen man? You didn’t use a condom?

 

No I didn't. I had instant regret afterwards. My brain just wasn't weighing the consequences in the moment. Never thought I would do that ever. Also can't get hard with a condom on at all. That was excessive PMO did to me

 

All the P I've seen no one ever used condoms, very stupid, and my mind was conditioned that way. 2 rounds of antibiotics and I'm all clear. Never again

 

Why was it if you don’t mind me asking? The STI… and also, why was the provider okay with you doing it uncovered? Isn’t it more risk for her?

 

Maybe be more like Crona at the end of the anime and not the beginning.

 

Dont know for sure. They gave me medicine and shot that treated both gonorrhea and syphilis. I didn't even have bad symptoms couldn't find anything in urine sample. Seemed like just a really bad UTI. 2 days later is when I noticed symptoms. She was supposed to have the condoms when she came to me but didn't so i just went with it. She looked fine, nice looking, no evidence of drug or disease. I guess some of them just want to get paid no matter what and don't care about risk. The next day I called another, used a condom she requested, but I had had my own this time. I also didn't know I was infected or I would have never. That was the last time. Round 2 was just to verify that round 1 wasn't a fluke and the extent of mental and physical damage from PMO over the years. I only went into detail like this because I've read posts of people alluding to trying this just to get over their virginity.

 

Are you trying to quit using providers for sex (instead of a partner)? Or are morally okay with it?

 

I've thought about it in the past but was never able to go through with it. One time I contacted an escort and I was on my way driving to her hotel and started to shake uncontrollably in my car. It was getting so bad i was having trouble controlling my car. Thankfully I was near an empty parking lot, pulled in there, had to get out of my car and walk around for a few minutes until I calmed down. I'm assuming it was a full on panic attack.

So if I think about doing it now, I just think back to that day and how I reacted to it. I also think about other consequences that could occur. I consider the following:
1. STD as one of the previous posters mentioned that he caught one.
2. How do i know it's not a sting operation by the police? I could not try imagine trying to explain this to family, friends, and if there is an arrest record, possible future employers.
3. How do I know i won't get robbed and mugged? Maybe a bit extreme but how do I know if i go into some hotel room there are not multiple people there with weapons waiting for me.

 

It's morally wrong in my opinion. Even with the PIED It's always in the back of my mind to try again. All that time looking at ads online reinforced this behavior it was only a matter of time before I went and did it. Plus I don't care what their opinions are so its makes it easier but that means I'm just objectifying them. If I can kick this habit and fix the ED I would have no problem dedicating my life to 1 woman. Things eventually escalate so what happens when you get desensitized of escorts. Having PIED actually triggers my addiction

 

I think the risk is part of the attraction
That feeling Is almost like discovering a new type of P. What underlying issues drives us to see escorts aside from addiction?

 

First I was trying to loose my virginity, I was seeking validation, I thought escort experiences would translate to real women, and I wanted to know if I could even keep an erection. So basically trying to overcome my fear of intimacy but just had the opposite effect

 

This is a huge lie. A very common belief, that if you had a partner you would no longer “ need” the behavior you’re engaging in. News flash- you don’t need to have sex and orgasm. Yeah, it’s nice, it is a drive, but you don’t need it. Once you get a partner, you might quit the behavior for a while but then when you go back your new lie is “ she doesn’t want sex as much as me, I have a higher libido, I don’t want to keep asking only to get rejected, she won’t do xyz for me, I deserve it this one time, once a month isn’t enough, it won’t hurt if she never knows, it’s the last time” …… lots of men thought once they got a partner they would stop acting out. Sone even do for a while. But then end up engaging in their addiction at some point. Are you planning on having children? Pregnancy can do a number on your partners body and mind, she may not want or be able to have sex for two months or more. What will you do if she has to be gone( or you) for an extended period? So many issues. All your addiction does is make the relationship harder. If you cannot get into long term recovery now, what makes you think you will with a partner? More importantly, what makes you think that you will be the one sex addict who is different, and unlike the thousands upon thousands who have partners you will be able to be faithful?

 

Thanks for the reply all valid points. I'm going to a therapist to look for the deeper issues causing this. Probably seeking validation and low self esteem and alot more

 

That’s great! Hopefully a csat? They can not only help you confront why you have this addiction but teach you tools on how to get into recovery and stay clean. 12 steps groups help my husband ( sa, saa, slaa). Celebrate recovery, or pure desire if you’re religious.