I self sabatoge and I can’t stop

ok so my friend invited me over for Halloween last night and he wanted me to bring over an inflatable haunted castle that I have so that we could set it up and hand out candy in it. About 2 hours before I was gonna head over, he tells me that he also invited a girl that he knows from work that he wants to set me up with because we have similar interests and the same political views. I still agree to go over there, but I make sure to have my mask on before I even get to his house and I leave it on the whole time so that she never sees my face and every time I’m left alone with her, its dead silence since I make no effort to try and talk to her and when she tries to talk to me, it dies out pretty quickly. And when my friend is there, the 2 of them just talk to each other and I’m not part of the conversation. I then arrange a rescue call and say that I have to leave to go help my sister because her car broke down in order to have an excuse to leave.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, I always subconsciously self sabatoge when it comes to dating and girls because I’ve had a lifelong mindset that no girl will ever want to date me so when this mindset is at threat of being defied, my conscience makes me fuck up so that she won’t be interested. She also mentioned her ex when she was talking to my friend and how they were together for a year before he broke up with her over text, and she also talked to him about social circles and several different parties. I’m 25 and I’ve never had a girlfriend and have only had sex once a few years ago, I basically used these instances to justify my actions because she’s definitely had a lot more sex than I have if she was in a 1 year relationship and I also have no other friends besides the one mentioned in this post. My conscience convinced me that she wouldn’t want to date me anyway once she finds out how inexperienced I am and can’t sexually perform at the level she would probably expect and that she wouldn’t want to date a guy with no social circle of his own, like most girls. I also have PIED so even if none of this did get in the way, I figured that things would fall apart anyway once we got to the bedroom.

 

That’s way easier said than done, especially because I’m so inexperienced for my age and have hardly any friends, like I said in my first post. Those two things combined can make you look like a total social reject, which is off putting to a lot of girls. And the PIED is really discouraging too, what’s the point of dating someone if it’s physically impossible for you to have sex with them?