I scared them

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by TheCrazyThingIs, Jul 6, 2018.

  1. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    I scared them all away.
    I was bitter, and angry, I hated myself, I hated this thing that I am, this horrible body and this disgusting mind that I am trapped in.
    I tore away at people with my words, with my hatred. I attacked people and made them hurt.
    And when I breakdown all I see is red, all I want to do is to hurt. I don't feel in control.

    I scared everyone away. And I don't know; is there a way back from showing people the monster you are inside?

    The twisting, writhing, pitiful creature who sees you and just wants to snuff out that annoying little light behind your eyes. It's not even like I care what they are saying I just want them to end. Want them to cease. To halt. Finish. Die.

    When you show people that, and they run away from you scared.
    Is there a way back from that kind of lonliness? Am I just doomed to be this... thing; forever?
    pantuflasdecoco likes this.
  2. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    It's not just them - my friends, my family, my lovers old and new, everyone I have ever met has seen this monster now - but it's me, too.

    I've scared myself.
    I know that the places that my mind has taken me and the things that I am capable of and sometimes all it will take is the wrong word at the wrong time...

    I want to know porn addiction did this to me or if I just am this... creature that hates.
  3. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    I don't wonder why I am lonley. I never have. I know why. I've broken every promise I've ever made, hurt everyone I've ever loved, physically, emotionally, mentally.

    I feel like I'm a black hole.

    I don't think anyone can touch me without getting sucked in and destroyed by me.
  4. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

    Scaring yourself is proof that your addiction to porn is a large part of why you have pushed people away. Of course it's probably not your only problem, everyone has various problems. But porn is a huge one. A couple years ago when I first stopped watching porn, people literally said that I was different and they didn't avoid me.
  5. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    I just feel like I'm dangerous.
    My life was hit by an uninterupted stream of internet pornography at a vital stage of my childhood and I've had years stripped away from me since then.

    Now I'm just angry. And want other people to feel it.
  6. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

    Same, that's how most of here are I think. But think about how much porn has warped your sense of sex. There is no reason to be angry. Saddened yes, but not angry. The past is past. I treat every day as part of a lifelong celebration. I am celebrating freedom from porn! It's a festival every day, even though some days a figural heckler gets on the dance floor and shouts, "come watch some porn!" You just have to keep on dancing, he'll go away.
    Bishop21 likes this.
  7. TheCrazyThingIs

    TheCrazyThingIs Fapstronaut

    Those that tempt us into temptation would do so less easily with broken necks.

    But I suppose the past is past is right. It's just a lot of fucking scar tissue.
  8. Enid

    Enid Fapstronaut

    You are here and you have started this journey. I think that's what matters. I sincerely hope you will discover new traits about yourself as you go on and that will make you like yourself a bit better.
    You say you are angry and you scared people... but the way you say it also makes me feel that you care about those people. You are upset about scaring them. So I believe you must be a very nice person.

    Well done on day 2! Best of luck for the journey ahead!
    goodnice and Ambrose Grant like this.
  9. SaneNate

    SaneNate Fapstronaut

    I think 2 things are frustrating you: your weight and happy people.

    Did you know I lost weight when I was PMOing? Maybe you'll lose them faster and become better looking if you're on nofap.

    First, here's what you need to do:
    Drink (beer, soft drinks, sugary fluids) on Friday nights and/or Saturdays. Do the same to fast foods.

    Second (and this is the toughest task) walk at least 30 min on a daily basis.

    Third, try the foods I ate for like 5-6 weeks:

    Whole wheat bread
    Boiled potatoes (eat the skin, too)
    Boiled eggs (don't eat the shell...just joking :p)
    Canned kidney beans
    Canned white peas
    Canned chickpeas
    Canned green peas
    White cheese (the solid one, which I rarely ate)
  10. SaneNate

    SaneNate Fapstronaut

    I'll talk about happy people later.
  11. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

    I used to feel a bit like this. Cynical and bitter. I thought they were at fault and I was perfect. Turns out we are all fucked. Which is very comforting.
    Deleted Account and SaneNate like this.
  12. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut

    Who you are in reality is good, but now you will have to reconnect with yourself.

    You may feel as though you have changed your life permanently but you always have a connection to yourself, that goodness. Now it will be about cleaning up your habits and mind and then reconnecting with yourself.
    SaneNate likes this.
  13. SaneNate

    SaneNate Fapstronaut

    I can relate.
  14. Ciedon

    Ciedon Fapstronaut

    You should become a poet, all the best
  15. SaneNate

    SaneNate Fapstronaut

    You have lived 8 days free of porn and masturbation (PM). I commend you.
  16. SaneNate

    SaneNate Fapstronaut

    Now, let's talk about people. The reason you hate happy people (IMO) is because you see that life smiles on them while you feel cheated. The truth is it's possible the people who look happier (or much happier) than you could be unhappy at their houses, at their place of work, etc. They could be living a bad life there. In my country, we have people who wear big sunglasses and look chic. This is their outside appearance. If you get the opportunity to look into aspects of their lives, you'll see that some are in debt because they want to look like a person with a high salary. There are even some who are reliant on their parents' money.
  17. Jack of Clubs

    Jack of Clubs Fapstronaut

    The reason we feel anger is to incite change. Anger without change is destructive, you need to channel your anger into something good.
    Also be mature enough to realise when you are being childish.
    SaneNate likes this.
  18. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

  19. nef

    nef Fapstronaut

    this is just i've started, do whatever your dream is,is it becoming a athlete or becoming a soldier or anything
    firstly write a diary entry of most of the dark past this is the psychological technique so when you write it down your brain starts saying that he has written it now i can forget all those memories it is safe now ,this method is used by innovators to keep their ideas preserved now their minds gets cleared and they can learn new and create new.
    you know one of the major advantage is of dark past is the pull so if you want to become something in life you got to work when you get tired you think of quitting try to remember the dark moments your brain starts kicking you screaming that we have to prove something we got show the world the world what we're made of we're not quitting.
    i recommend write 5 reasons why you want to become what you want. it will give you a drive but drive is not enough you have to work
  20. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    In reality, most, if not all, people have a monster inside them, whether they admit it to themselves or not, and try to hide it from others. People say you need to struggle with and beat your "demons", but the truth is, you can't kill "them". You actually wouldn't want to if you could. The monster inside, the primal urges of your limbic system, keep you alive, and give you strength. You can never truly tame the beast, but you can corral it. The brain is plastic, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's unfortunate you can get addicted to things like alcohol or PMO, but it's fortunate it's possible to overcome addictions. Eventually, people can learn to channel their primal urges to constructive ends. People can "make peace with their demons". When "you and your demons are on the same side", your lizard brain and higher brain are working together in a healthy way.

    Personally, I both visualize myself as the monster, and practice trying to love and accept myself, and I also visualize my monster as a guard dog on a leash by my side, where I have to remain vigilant so it doesn't run off or attack the wrong target, but can protect me and warn me of danger. I find it helpful to imagine the monster as a working dog, and us working as a team. Imagining we're on the same side helps make the monster calmer and easier to control.

    I've struggled with severe depression for years, and have trouble with self-loathing and self-hatred. I have to work very hard at it, and am definitely still learning to love and accept myself. I'm having to learn to be more assertive and stick up for myself and ask for my needs to be met.
    _Xavier_ likes this.

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