Day 138 - So I relapsed. I don't even know how I should feel about it. After I relapsed, I didn't feel any shame. I just felt acceptance for what I did, and that I should continue on. It almost felt like this was supposed to be a part of my journey. I do not feel like I failed myself, I just feel human. Like I should move forward. The good thing is that I did not use porn. I was remembering a past memory of when I had a strong sex drive because I was dating a girl and we were having sex regularly. I remember the feeling of being around her and being extremely horny, even when I was in public, and I remembered that this is what a sex drive should feel like. Since nofap started, I haven't felt a sex drive toward women. My libido has been weak, and I had forgotten what it was like to have a sex drive. But when I remembered those memories, it was like something clicked in my brain, and I remembered what a sex drive felt like. I began to feel horny, and then I felt like it would be okay to MO to the memories of me having sex with my gf after feeling a strong sex drive. It felt natural to me, so I felt no shame. And maybe this will finally wake up my sex drive. Did I fail myself in terms of nofap? I don't think so. I think this will be a learning experience for me, no matter how my nofap journey turns out from now on. I should also note that I've been getting along really well with a girl I met a couple of weeks ago. We're going on a second date tomorrow, and my connection with her feels so natural. Maybe I'm finally getting close to my full reboot. Maybe she will be the one to help me out of my flatline.
Well done on the long streak, brother. It is important to remember not to get distracted on long streaks (I'm speaking from experience here myself). It is easy to get distracted and think that your sex drive has gone, but it hasn't. Just because you may not be using "your tools" as much, due to abstaining from PMO, does not mean your sex drive is laying dormant. This is not the case. All that has happened is that you have temporarily put it to rest for good reasons, such as rebooting. When you finally get a girlfriend/date or whatever and you're about to make love to her, you will then realise just how much you are still alive and kicking. Just let the reboot run it's course in your body, though, even it if it feels like you're flat lining. Your equipment is fine and it will be even more so the longer your streak. The more progress, the better the results. I suppose this is a lesson for next time. I'm not even saying you've done anything bad. In fact I applaud on your long streak, but just remember for next time, that just because it may feel like you've flatlined, it doesn't always mean you have. All that's happened is that you have for a short while allowed the lion, the fire, within you to rest. It will rise in full power again when you are in that "moment" with a female. Don't allow yourself to be deceived. Your tools are working just fine and your sex drive is still there even if it might not feel like it. You haven't failed, and it's also great that you didn't watch porn. Just use this knowledge for a better run next time. I encourage you to give up masturbation for good, regardless of whether it's without porn or not.
