I need to vent.

This is going to be one massive vent about my romantic life. I have posted about some of this stuff before, so you can read those posts for more info.

Today was a very odd day for me. I got rejected to go on a date with a woman I was talking to online. That combined with several other factors caused me to become very sad today. I decided to go on a road trip to the beach in an effort to make myself feel better.

It wasn't so long ago that I broke the heart of the only woman who seemed to reciprocate romantic feelings for me. I never met her in person, but we had a bond through our conversations over text. We found each other during very difficult parts of our own lives, and I think that made our bond stronger. If I am telling the truth, this was the only relationship I really have had. I wanted nothing more than to meet her, talk to her, have a relationship with her. And, then I learned the information that caused me to end our relationship. Her parents had HIV when she was born, and they never told her. She told me that she was told that she doesn't have the virus, and that she was getting checked anyway. I decided to end the relationship anyway. I decided the best and least painful way to do that was for me to simply disappear, so that is what I did.

I met another woman at the same time. She was a waitress at a restaurant that I worked at. I worked at that restaurant for about a month, so I saw and interacted with her fairly often when we worked together. Honestly, I don't know what my feelings were for her, but I was attracted to her. I had to leave that job so I could return home, so my last night there was a little bit of a going away party. Me, her, and another guy ended up vaping some weed. This is also the night that I found out that she is into drugs. She offered to drive me to where my vehicle was parked, and I agreed. Honestly, I thought we were going to be doing something else in her vehicle. I offered to give her a kiss, but she declined my offer. We talked a little bit more, say our goodbyes, I get out of her vehicle, get in my vehicle, and I drive back to my brother's home where I was staying at the time. I never heard from her again. Although I did send her a text saying I would hit her up next time I was in town and would take her out. She never responded to my social media invites either. I don't know what we had, but I thought that we got along fairly well, so that hurt.

Before this, I dealt with two heartbreaks.

One was with a woman I spent time with at a wedding that I really liked, but when I was going to try and further my relationship with her, I found out she had a boyfriend. I was devastated.

The other was different, because it involved a woman I had a crush on for years. A day after the heartache with the woman from the wedding, I decided to finally contact the woman I had liked for years, but was too scared to interact with. I was already so sad I didn't think it could get much worse. Eventually she got my message and we talked, after talking awhile, I admitted my feelings. She told me that she has been in a relationship for years now. I was devastated again.

All of that leads to more recent events. The woman who I had a crush on for years recently had a birthday. I wished her a happy birthday on social media, but I also did something I should have done earlier. I was actually going to send her a message the day her birthday was on before I realized it was her birthday just to see how she was doing. I decided to send her a message too, but I purposefully referred to myself as a friend, because that Is what I am to her.

When I was at the beach, I decided to symbolically let go of each relationship. The irony of it is that each way I symbolically let go of the relationships reflected how they ended. I started out with the woman I had a crush on for all those years. I wrote her name in the sand and waited for the water to erase it. A few times, the water nearly erased her name. I waited for what seemed like a long time, but the water didn't erase her name from the sand, so I did.

I walked a little further down the beach, being reflective. While I was walking, I realized just how much sadness I probably caused the woman who I knew online when I disappeared, because something similar had happened to me. I thought about writing her name in the sand and waiting for the water to erase it as well, but I felt that I didn't even deserve to write her name in the sand after what I did to her. I picked up something from the beach, I thought of her, and I threw it into the water.

Walking further in an effort to reach the tall building in the distance that I had set as my goal, I see a woman and her dog on the beach. I thought to myself that maybe I should talk to her, but I decided not to. I kept on walking towards the building that was my goal. I make it there, then I turn around and start walking back to my vehicle. I think about the lost opportunity with the woman and her dog, and I regret that I didn't talk to her. I walk for awhile, when I see the woman and her dog in the distance. I wanted to talk to her, but I kept on making excuses. Eventually, I decided that I would talk to her. I go up to her, and I have a good conversation with her. I started to leave, but I decided that I need to give her my number. I turned around, and I asked her if she wanted my number, she said she was already in a relationship, but she would if she wasn't in a relationship. She complimented me in my forwardness to just ask her, and my politeness when she said no. So, that felt good. Although it wasn't the first time I flirted with a woman, it was the first time that I offered to give a woman that I didn't know my number.

I continued my walk towards my vehicle. I think it is at this point that I thought about the woman that I worked with. I picked up a small rock, I walked near the ocean, and dropped it, assuming a wave would take it away. Surprisingly, the wave pushed it back further on to the beach. I picked it up and started walking with it a little bit. I tried to throw it into the ocean, but messed up my throw and just ended up throwing it behind me and a little bit into where the waves end. I pick it up again, wondering if it is a sign, but I realized that I don't really want that relationship anyway. I throw the rock into the ocean, and I walk away.

I continue my journey back to my vehicle, and I think near the end I thought about the woman from the wedding. I thought about how I would say goodbye to that relationship, and then I realized that no goodbye is a fitting end to something that never happened with someone you never shared your feelings with.

I wish I could say my heartache was cured by that trip to the beach, but that would be a lie. Thanks for reading.