I need to stop relying on this dark power

Hi everyone.

I've battled with depression and anxiety for several years due to growing up in an abusive home where the option being an outgoing carefree child/teenager was repeatedly taken away from me.

My first exposure to porn was during a school trip in 4th grade when a classmate went around the bus showing X rated videos and magazines he had got from older students.

I tried my best to block out what I had seen that day but the images were so vivid that I was compelled to search for more. After masturbating for the first time, things only got worse as nothing else in my miserable life could replicate that feeling.

In school and college, the boys who had "normal" lives, especially the rich and popular ones with girlfriends, must have sensed this and so they either made me the target of their jokes or when out of their way to hurt me (and others like me)

To make matters worse all of the attractive girls I had a crush always looked down on me; either as the "nice guy" or the "weak and quiet guy" - These are two labels I absolutely hate.

This constant feeling impotence and fear of attacked by everyone around me is why I found porn so appealing. In porn (even though I knew it was staged) the men were respected and even worshiped by women. These men (especially in interracial porn) were always portrayed as powerful, fit and rich. Porn for me became a daily habit; It made bad days good and great days awesome.

Initially porn gave me the motivation to start exercising, writing more and trying to make money as I wanted to be like the male pornstars. But it's finally time to admit that porn is taking far more negatives and positives.

- Wasting days searching for and downloading porn
- Waking up tired for work every day because I spent all night on porn
- Still don't have a girlfriend (visited two escorts)
- Always having extra costs on my internet bill
- Under-performing at work (almost got fired)
- Seeing how much others my age have accomplished
- Constant fear of leaving my phone/tablet/computer unattended because someone could discover my dirty little habbit

I can't rely on this dark power any more.