I need to get rid of this.

Hey guys.
I'm a 23 year old guy from Sweden. It's probably obvious why I'm here, here's my story.
For some reason I can't completely remember, I early in my childhood got introduced to porn. I may have been like nine or ten, and as I said I can't remember how it happened. Just that it did. I early on started exploring the internet, with a kid's curiousity. And for many years I didn't really reflect on it as a bad thing. I guess it was pretty "innocent" in the beginning, but it escalated over the years. To the story I need to add that I'm a christian, I hope you guys have respect with that. Because according to my faith things like this ain't the best either.

Anyway, I started to hear that porn could have bad effects on your wellbeing, both physcically, but mostly mentally. I struggled through all my teens with porn, knowing it was a bad thing, but doing it anyway. Earlier I didn't feel that bad inside, because all I thought was that it was something you do, because it was good and enjoyable. Knowing it was bad has ever since made me feel bad on the inside, every time I "fell" into porn, I felt like shit emotionally. I started talking to people I trust, friends and people from church, and overall I've gotten awesome help and advice. I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.

The years went by, and for periods of time I was completely off it. But I always went back unfortunately. The longest time ever was when I went to my father, telling him all about this. It was the second time actually, 5 years earlier I also talked to him about this. But back to the second time, when I was 20-21 or something around that. I had a great talk with my dad, we were in tears. I broke down completely. I had terrible anxiety weeks before, and still I went further into it. It was not just for pleasure anymore, the cost each time was high.

I talked to my dad, and friends. This cut a lot of threads that was holding me back. And I actually withheld from porn for over a year, about 1,5 years I think. Off course I was tempted at times, and struggled occasionaly, but my mindset and character didn't let me fall. Until a sunny summer day, I was tired and my character was low. I fell to porn, and it emerged to more and more. Just like when I was a kid. This went on for a while, I had a tough time in other parts of my life also, so in a way porn became an escape. A time of relief in the struggle. The worst path you could ever take.

We are approaching 2017, and some day in january I reached out to my family again. The anxiety was back. I was hurting a lot. I couldn't take it anymore. I told my dad, and also my mom. They were very troubled, and once again we were in tears. They didn't judge me, but they felt very bad. But once again I cut those threads, and I was on my way up again. This time it only lasted for a couple of months. Until I though those stupid thoughts again, "one time is nothing". I fell back into it, and has been on that route ever since. Unfortunately. I haven't told my parents, but I have a couple of friends that know of my situation. They know about it and care for me. But in the end it's about me to act, or not act.

When I was out of this for over a year, I felt so good. Never before had I been so confident and emotionally attached. I feel so numb emotionally, and I feel like a ufo sometimes. I want to be true guy I know I am. My biggest fear with all of this is that I will never have a relationship. I long for it more than anything. I want to meet someone. Right know I'm feeling shy and low on confidence. I know for sure that porn has a lot to do with this. Both from my selfjudging when I fail, but also biologically.

Guys, thanks if you were with me through all of this. I hope that NoFap, and this community can be a way forward. I know that we will always fail at times, but not feeling alone in this could be the help I needed and wanted.

Thanks again
/J

 

Thanks for the answer. And welcome! It's crazy how common this problem is, yet you feel so lonely struggling with it. We can do this!