I need to change...

I'm 26 in 2 months. I'm a virgin in every sense. I'm 'technically' no longer a young adult and feel i have wasted my youth. I used to dream of being an artist, and porn addiction ruined it, and is ruining my present... My habbits are really cringy (only way to say it) and pretty shameful but I have never told anyone and want to use this as a confession and a good look in the mirror, hopefully spuring on this nofap undertaking.

Start of the problem:
I don't exactly know when I started watching porn but it was around the start of highschool. I didn't watch a lot at first but in grade 8, these older boys told me about something called 'corruption of champion', a text based R rated game where your character encounters a range of sexual encounters... this wasn't your average porn though, this was like succubus and cat girls... it opened a rabbit hole for my next 15 years. (they also made another version called 'Trials in tainted Space' which was the same thing set it Space.)

By grade 10 I would waste every weekend playing these games and video games until i'd give myself migrains. I wasnt an awkward guy in school, I had plenty of friends, people liked me, I was not a the coolest person in school but I got along well with people. None of them knew how on weekends I'd just rot in bed fapping myself stupid. I was like 2 different people.

In grade eleven I was still into art. I really liked character design, pixel art and was starting to discover sculpture and thought it would be a pretty nice career. I had potential... but these horny games where changing my artistic tastes, I was starting to discover that porn could be drawn in artistic ways, with bright colours and wonderful line work! At the end of grade 12 I realised I could just draw my own porn, and maybe make some money! It seamed so smart! I loved character design still and I learnt that people who draw erotic illustrations can make a lot of money! (Which is so dumb because I never cared about making lots of money.)

And then at 18 i took a gap year... the worst dession of my life. To start, for unrelated reasons, I got depression, like, real bad. Like, would cry all night without sleep until I litrally couldn't stay awake the next night. I also got fat. I got fat so fast I got terrible stretch marks all over. With my art, I started trying to learn anatomy drawing so I could draw more lewd stuff, using the cope of "Oh, I'll make tones of money!" But not getting anywhere because I'd just jerk of to the inspiration content I'd go searching for. I was no longer interested in sculpture or anything anymore, it was all about drawing stuff that made me horny. I was loosing the ability to socialice. I don't want to fat shame, but my sudden wight made it hard to make new friends. I felt worthless, and for the first time I became awkward and shy around woman. Life was miserable... but atleast, in some ways, I still had art...

The next year, after gaining weight, loosing confidence, I started artschool. I can happily say I did... ok! But I think my fap habbits and video games really held me back. It was hard to make friends because i didn't like myself. I never pushed my assignments as far as I could have. In my third yeae 2020 I discovered online erotic RP. I'd cyber sex with strangers online, playing as my own characters that I'd make. It was nice to be part of a comunity and I made some friends on there, but I always felt a bit ashamed. My art was lacking by now because instead of practising art I was getting off, so I'd even commission professional designs of my own characters. I have been doing this for 4 years now...

The last 3 years:

I do want to say that things are way better now, I'm climbing from the shitty void I was in. First, I got my degree, and my final assignment made me proud and refuelled my love for sculpture, but I had a moment of "what now?" Over the next 2 years I have lost 17kgs and got a post grad in graphic design. I got my first job when I left artschool and now work a place I love! My friends love me, I got a lot of my confidence back and my self-esteem is rising when it comes to friends. I moved out and I feel like there is serious progress happening...

But I think my porn addiction makes it so i can't enjoy this development, still having a tight grip on me. It's OK when I'm distracted by work or friends, but im terrified of the years wasted, chances lost. I'm still dragged back to porn and RP when ever I'm bored, down or lonely. I can go a few weeks sometimes, but I always come back. I still haven't had sex fr and the thought is crushing me. I often think about how much better my early 20's would have been if I wasn't so fat and horny back then, especially when I see jocks online 5 years younger then I with beutiful woman hanging off them. I also can't take the leap to get a real career, to do something artistic because whenever real life happenes, I feel worthless. I'm terrified that there is no hope... I still lust for woman, miserable that I have never been loved intimately, and think that with my obbsession i never could be. I still can't make myself delete all the porn on my phone and pc, it's like I'm attached to it... but I need to. I'm also struggling to stop from drawing the NSFW content. I feel strange just abandoning years of unfinishes work, but I don't do anything I can be proudly show my friends anymore.

Now:
I'm trying nofap to see if I can grow even more, to achieve more progress and to finally thrive instead of just living. Maybe I won't lust after woman as much or hate my self for my virginity. Maybe if I'm no longer always thinking of getting my nut off, I'll actually do something with my life. I'm sick of thinking I wasted my life, that I should be more ahead in life by now...