I lost my virginity to an escort and had some realizations

Hey Mala,

You're used to rampant stimulus, visual, probably auditory too. If you were an image scroller then your brain is used to you alluring many wildly attractive ladies within seconds of each other. The stimulus one woman provides, even if they are physically real, has strong competition. Straight up, escorts is probably not the right way to go, or at least I wouldn't go down that path. Do you believe someone can love and care for you? If you loved and cared for someone how would you treat them? It's worth noting that the commitment of someone who genuinely loves you has implications on sexual performance and how much effort is put into making you satisfied.

My partner has never orgasmed in her life. She still gets aroused and she still feels the need to get there but when she's right at the edge she just can't tip over. Despite this she makes a candid and conscious effort to satisfy me sexually (one of the main reasons I'm here tbh, because my greed + porn is turning me too into someone unsatisfiable) knowing that almost definitely she will never get to experience any direct benefit from our sexual interactions in a chemical sense. She does this for many reasons but largely because she understands that intimacy physically is the communicator of intimacy spiritually (or mentally dependent on your beliefs). That's kind of obvious right? We stay away when we dislike, we shake hands when we meet, we hug when we know, we have sex when we love. You see, the significance of intimacy as a communicator of our relationship allows her to take joy in sexually pleasuring me despite the fact that she cannot feel the same, and overrides any jealously at the time of encounter at least. That's some real power and it's a source of great pleasure for me.

So how does she feel when she thinks about my previous experiences with other women who did not share a loving relationship with me? That intimacy which she is valuing so highly, given way for less then nothing. I've seen her cry for hours. She instinctively wants that to represent our love because its an innate human tendency space ourselves around others in proportion to our relationship with them. When she values her closeness to me and then realises that some random girl could have touched me like that and done these things it is a betrayal of the value she was attributing to that position psychologically. Imagine you're at a market and John tries to sell you a scarf for 20 quid but he sold it to 20 other folk for 3 quid. You'd feel ripped off. You'd feel like the scarf was not worth 20 quid even though you paid that much. Indeed, it wasn't and you did get ripped off. In the same sense my partner feels ripped off that other girls have been as close to me for so much less commitment, meanwhile she has to take care of our son and be a loving wife and serve me for the same display of intimacy. And an even bigger problem is that just like the scarfs can be worn around by all 20 people, my intimacy can too in the form of memories, experiences and feelings. It can be made fun of at party games and it can be forgotten and discarded like something worthless. So what reward is there for her in having intimacy which the free market values as trash. There isn't much at all.

So what can be done about it. There is only one thing, I had to take the burden for my own actions, it had to be me that got ripped off. Essentially if I state that my intimacy is a valuable display of my true connection after all, but in doing so admit that when I gave it away for less it was a terrible regrettable mistake, then the entire dynamic changes. She can feel comfortable in that value because I've delegitimised the devaluing events and admitted that they were errors. If we continue our analogy (which is here only to demonstrate the universal nature of value systems) it is akin to John saying to you "I should never have sold them the scarfs for so little because they are truly more valuable". This certainly reaffirms the buyer. Of course the fact that these events happened in the first place is unchangeable but in delegitimising them you also delegitimise the ability of the reciever to determine the value, because they are held in an unfavourable regard. The downside, I now have regret, and its genuine, because if I had only been careful with my intimacy in the first dam place this would have been a non issue. Everyone shits on regret as useless but man, is that a lie.

Sure you can have a relationship, you can have a long term sexual relationship, you can have an excellently skilled partner but I am yet to hear of a relationship where the sexual satisfaction is on the same level as a relationship where both partners truly and deeply value each others intimacy, and hold it as directly symbolic of their love for each other. Every time I remember that my partner cannot orgasm, it amazes me the dedication she has because of this factor which is, in the end, arguably more rewarding. As stated, a relationship like this means that having a history sexually outside of deeply loving relationships (and potentially even then, this is a psychological origin of the "the one" concept) will bite you in the ass as it did mine (and her's because we both had this issue) and burden you with regret which you can't shake (although its a small price to pay for the benefits of the relationship itself). At 3 years deep its still just getting better where most relationships plateau and I genuinely believe that this style of relationship provides the deepest connection that two humans can possibly have. It's a thoroughly enriching experience and, speaking for both of us, if we could wipe away our history of using our intimacy inappropriately so that we could experience this without any regret we would in a heart beat.

So when you said you lost your virginity to an escort, naturally, it hit like a train. I don't think you need to see the same escort multiple times. I think you should find someone who actually genuinely cares about being close to you and isn't paid by the hour. I know a lot of people won't agree for any number of reasons but this kind of relationship is a rare breed and not a lot of people experience it so many don't have a solid point of reference. Not here to antagonise you, just laying out an option and some reasoning that is oft forgotten, think it over before you make your next move. All the best!

 

Escorts and escort websites are a slippery slope. I got into escort sites and a particular site here in the UK that advertises lots of escorts but also has paid camgirls on it. I got into this real bad and not only has it made my porn addiction more difficult to overcome but it's taken a toll on my finances as well. It's difficult but if I was you I'd do my best to not only quit porn but escorts aswell, I know they are real life meetings but there's something unnatural about the whole escort experience, they are there to please you just like porn is. Whereas if you quit porn and escorts and get into a relationship it's more about being there for one another and pleasing one another sexually, instead of it being a one way thing. All the best on your journey my friend.

 

Idk man I was in the same situation as yours years ago I wanted to lose virginity too with an escort but then I've changed idea once I started getting dates on dating apps and I lost it ...
I've never seen an escort or a hooker I would like to try tho but I'm kinda stopped because I think is just wrong, they basically feel 0 emotions towards you they're only there to suck your money out and Idk I think once I'll not get any dates I'll probably do that too...
Btw you are 27 I guess you should seek standard relationships, you can see escorts when you'll be older and less sex appealing

 

I'm not an expert, but I think the novelty of being with an actual person should have been enough to put you over the edge under normal circumstances. You've been wanking too much overall and definitely shouldn't have prior to your engagements. Quitting P&M, and O for a time, will help your sensitivity issues.

Intimacy though, you're in a whole different situation. You're using escorts as expensive fleshlights. There will be no intimacy there. You could see a "regular" escort and develop something of a relationship, but there's significant hazards. First off, it wouldn't be real. I live in the States where prostitution is illegal, I've mostly only heard of this kind of thing with strippers and camgirls, but you can get ruthlessly taken advantage of. They can milk you for every dime you're worth, the good ones will make you feel special, but as soon as you ask/pressure to move it to the next level, you're done. She drops you like a bad habit, you're heartbroken and thousands of dollars poorer. I can see it's possible to be careful and find one who (probably) won't be so mercenary, but I don't think it's particularly likely and you'll always have to know it's pretend. She will never really be yours and you will never really be hers, and that intimacy you're talking about will never be real. You'll probably fall in love anyway and be heartbroken, I say that's playing with fire.

As for a real girlfriend, that can happen, but in that context the S doesn't "feel" the same/as great because it's doing something completely different. It's bonding behavior, not dopamine seeking, so you might compare your experience with her to being with a pro/your expectations built by P, and be disappointed. When you're by yourself or with an escort, it's all about you & your experience. When you're with a real partner, it's about her, and if you train yourself on P and escorts... I pity the girl. You're both probably going to be disappointed.

What do you want out of S? What do you want out of life? If you never want to get married or have a long term relationship, hey. Do your thing. If you think that might be in your future, though, I'd stay off the escorts as well. So that's no P, no M, and no O, for the immediate future, for both your sake and for the benefit of your future partner, whoever she may be. For a lifelong PA that's daunting. That doesn't even sound like a life worth living. There's more to life than S, though, and once you begin to break off the shackles of a PMO centered life you find yourself more emotionally present for non-erotic things, enjoying those things more, and finding sacrifice in the present with something better to look forward to in the future has a pleasure all its own.

But you find your own way. Best of luck.