I just wanna kill myself

I would suggest you to focus only on PMO as a relapse

 

I would also recommend to develop the skill of not allowing joyful things to distract you from whatever you are currently doing.

I was in the same situation when it comes to triggers when seeing women. To a certain extend I still am but I am much better compared to how exhausting those triggers were for me and how easy they distracted me every single time for hours and days no matter what I did.

This skill needs time and discipline to develop and will not happen overnight not even days or weeks. Depending on your situation this skill needs months or years and every step towards this skill is a great achievement.

With that skill you will finally be able to feel calmness and peace. And hopefully you will be able to use that skill to become better with your no pmo streaks.

But do not forget to only count PMO as a relapse.

 

My advice is to take everything you know that is even remotely triggering for you and get completely rid of it. If you still have that material around, I wouldn't expect much progress to be made in this area of your life.

 

Hmm. Seeing a beautiful woman is not a relapse. Watching explicit material and fapping/edging to it is a relapse. That’s a good frame of reference to go by.