I hope this helps me ....

Quite the struggle. First thing I should say is that we, men, get very defensive on these intimate situations.

I know how badly you want to see a change in him, but let he make the first step. Be mysterious about some simple things, it will get his attention and release a bit of the pressure he gets when being so defensive.

One thing that I've learned and it's happening in my life right now is that: If you change yourself to embrace healthy habits and live a fulfilled life, your loved ones will somehow notice those aspects and be more receptive towards you. Then you can indirectly slip some tips that'll get him on the right track.

 

Alright, he must know some tasks you hate doing right? Bring youself to a confident persona and let him know that you'll handle it by yourself. If not already, sign a gym membership and if that's not possible research on doing calisthenics. They produce great results, doesn't require specific equipment and you do it on your home. Start being more asertive on the decisions that do not unbalance the relationship much. It could be: "Oh, you're not in the mood. Get some rest. I'll call some friends to see if they would like to hangout." Maybe you can too start taking cold showers like me..

 

Although the counter tells that I'm on a moderate streak, I'm still learning to cope with the downs of life.

I had some random business to deal with today but didn't quite find it worth to strive for it. Guess what? Parents judged my actions.

I conversed with them many times how this whole process is changing my character and traits. I'm also on meds due to anxiety / depression back in the day.

But with the mistake came a sense of a strong concept I like to guard to myself. I am the ONLY one in charge of my emotions. my mind does not find a nuisance in other people's uncovenient comments. (Partially I can say that it benefits on more than a few situations.)

Oh well.. I've been so much unproductive today. I must steady my pace towards recovery.

 

What a lucky man your bf is. Your way of expressing yourself is lovely.

This addiction won't get the better of me, I assure you. This I'm on is not a streak, it's a lifestyle.
When I started this reboot I kinda lived the quote: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

I did a lot of research about how these chemicals function and drive us towards pleasure. It already took some years of my life. That's enough...

 

You cannot imagine the amount of hours I spent PMO'ing in my computer room, having only a wall between me and the wife watching TV. Many years of it. I used to tell her to choose interesting shows to make me interested to sit with her and watch TV together. Maybe she preferred to watch crappy stuff to keep me in my room...dunno.
We are sick. I'm clean for 10 days now, but struggling a little bit.

I like you initial post too. Well said and expressed. Sorry for your suffering.

Here is my take on it:

-Light choke hold you mentioned. The dude might be watching some "breathplay" stuff. It's out there. It's definitely not a mainstream sexual fantasy. If you are not comfortable with it, tell him right away. He cannot force his internet fantasies on you.

-You mention getting the leftovers: Maybe, maybe not. He probably enjoys sex with you. He's just stuck in a continuous flow of stimulus. Just like the heroin addict might not care much for a bottle of alcohol, as he's on "harder stuff". The P surfer will end up seeking harder stuff, more stimulating, borderline troubling, to get his dopamine fix.

Just like the parachutists that are going for higher altitude each jump, or the dudes that start to jump off buildings for a more hardcore feeling...
He will heal from that if he reboots...

-You mention understanding the Porn-induced desire for novelty.. It's the coolidge effect. He's stuck in that addiction and suffering from coolidge. Only "rebooting" will alleviate this craving for different stuff. I remember searching the porn tubes for hours to find a fix of something that felt new to me...then O...then WTF moment, then becomes tasteless in a second. Then you just go away from the computer and go grab some sleep. Some time of your life you never get back.

-As you might know, the chaser effect, the effect that causes the male that has sex to keep seeking more sex, cause the PMO'er to PMO more. I personally PMO'd 30 minutes after having good sex with the missus, cause I was hit hard by chaser effect.

Now, your BF seems in denial and its the bad part. He's "sick" we all realize that. Don't take it personal, it has nothing to do with you.
Stay strong, but the two-way conversation HAS to happen.

The sad part about the PMO addiction is that men are often waiting for their relationship to be damaged and/or when they start having erectile disorder to wake up, become conscious of their issues and work on it.

If you can get him to watch a few videos and testimonies on YOURBRAINONPORN.COM, or manage to express that you are shocked and need of a change, you might get him to awake quicker.

I sure hope you'll manage to do that.

In my case, I waited until my erection became weak with my wife and also until she told me she felt she didnt have what it takes to sexually please me to understand that I was on a very slippery and treacherous slope....

Good luck!

 

This is why I'm glad I found this site, that provides us with a better idea of what Porn is and what it causes. The truth has to come out!
Porn is around for many years. The offering and temptation for some people always been around. But since the arrival of high-speed internet, custom tailored porn is available at the click of a button. Also, it has the same effect crack cocaine or meth had on the streets when it came out..flooding the streets to highly addictive and cheap stuff that quickly makes you become a zombie...

Personally, I always brushed aside the popular porn stars and everything looking "too perfect". I didn't have time for it. It was like looking at something all staged. Maybe unconsciously I realized that that stuff was fake. That porn industry is aware of all our weaknesses and exploits them big time. There is small time amateur porn actresses (cam girls, or running a website as autonomous workers) taking "fantasy requests" from paying customers tailoring exactly to their customer's needs. Myself, I never paid anything for online Porn.

I spent many hours to scour sites to find "reality-looking" amateur-only clips. I couldn't tolerate plastic surgery. I know that in real life, women bodies are suffering from the effects of gravity, just like I'm getting a belly. I was more into "hubby shares with" stuff. I searched to find the very few clips that led me to believe they were the real stuff. In reality, I would never ever ask or let my loved one do something like that with somebody else. I don't want to share!!!!! I would NOT let it happens. That would kill me. Still, this is the stuff giving me my fix....and I sank many hours into it.

That porn addiction is like the plague....and it leaves suffering in it's wake. Last night, I was pillow-talking to the wife, explaining to her that I felt like starving, knowing that the food was only a click away. But you are done eating that stuff, you know it it was cheap fast food bad for you...

Now I just hope that the fact that I don't PMO will make the wife happier and hopefully more willing to "get close".

Have a good day!

 

You are most probably as beautiful as before. Believing you're ugly is caused by the backlash caused by comparing yourself. My wife suffers from that too. That's bad cause the wife is 50 yo and she seen some pop ups with chix aged 20yo or average...those autopopups are not even what i was looking at...anyway. Don't forget that some teenage girls starve themselves just tot look like mannequins in those fashion mags....and porn is not involved. trying to reach a hollywood fashion standard, or a porn bimbo standard is NOT healthy.
You are as nice as the other are seeing you. You are just hurting yourself when you unfairly judge yourself based on P standards...DON'T.

I guess P destroys both the fapper and the spouse (victim) self-esteems.
BTW, I caught my daughter PM'ing accessing P on her phone a few years ago. Door wasn't fully closed. I couldn't believe it. My wife told me at the time...god IT SEEMS TO BE IN YOUR DARN DNA!!!! She's gonna be a porn perv just like her Dad...

Keep it up, you're not to blame and definitely not the cause of the BF's addiction.

 

Girl,

You are really hurting. This addiction caused damage to your soul. You may want to discuss that with a professional if its available to you. Work on yourself, treat yourself, re-learn to love yourself. You can find a good book about positive thinking and about how to re-gain your self esteem. Do it you deserve it. Are you married? Do you have any financial commitment with that guy? Are you considering leaving him?

That porn addiction will become more common as we go. Us here on the forum are now familiar with that addiction. There is many others out there. When you date someone, you don't know if the person is addicted to something. It's a matter of time before you figure it out. I'm pretty sure almost every young men thru its puberty, with access to a computer has watched porn or eventually will do it. Will it become an addiction? Maybe maybe not.

Trust me, if the boyfriend was addicted to drug use or alcohol, even gambling, you would be nervous that a relapse could happen.
The gambler could burn his paycheck at the slot machines leaving you with a jar of peanut butter for food.
The alcoholic would maybe pass out, tell you nasty things, lose his driver license or his job, beat up somebody (some a more agressive than others)
The druggie could burn the paycheck and disappear for a few days.

So nervousness is normal. You can break up and end a relationship and fall in love with somebody else that might one day develop an addiction. A good example is somebody involved in a car crash, has pain, be given painkillers and gobs those like its out of style. One can develop an addiction at that point.

My mom got married 3 times. All three times I swear, she married a short man wearing glasses. LOL. Its a true story. Mom seems to have a pattern.
Some people leave an alcoholic to end up with another one.

As for the trust in men, trust is something that develops with time and respect. Not all men are good, not all men are bad. Not all are porn addicts, but most men love sex quite a bit. That thirst of men for sex is well documented:

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare


I remember you said that you gave plenty of sex to your BF, so you are not at fault anyway. You didnt "create" a starvation pattern with him. It's not your fault. But the average joe need sex more often than the average lady. That being said, the likeliness to have a man looking at porn to compensate is higher...

We have no statistics, but my guess is that there is a hole lot more men addicted to PMO than women. You might want to read sories from women addicted to porn on this forum, theirs stories will show you that its not a male-only issue, its a sex drive issue mixed with the desire to access the sex quickly. Now its available at the screen.