I have to post this to shine a light on my weakness

Whenever I go outside and see a girl or woman I keep looking for much longer. I notice I do this for every person. Meaning, I am not looking solely based on sexual attraction. I look at people in a curious way.

However, when it comes to women, I stare sometimes out of a longing to feel loved. I have never hugged a woman. Wait, until I say the controversial thing. I will have to wait for marriage to hug a woman and feel that love.

Recently, I have come to experience a greater level of self awareness. I know that there is a deep pain within me to connect and love and feel loved. I have repressed and denied my emotions and feelings for years.

1. I have grownup in an environment where feelings are told to be denied. And expressing feelings means getting a strong opinion and rejection of that emotion. Not simply listening with an open mind and heart.

2. The unhealthy amounts of content online that I used to consume. Not only pornography but also videos where women were objectified to make money. Example YouTube videos that use sexual attraction and objectification in a way to get more views.

3. Disconnecting from women. During a certain phase in the past, I used to completely avoid interacting with women, subconsciously believing it to be bad. Still do but to a way less extent. I am still healing.

The point is that. I have repressed and disconnected from sexuality. Being powerless. Even financially. Although I am behind in life. I am having hope. Faith and trust. With that I got to move forward. And moving forward, making progress and really looking into the type of beliefs and attitudes I have had around sexual desire, cravings and expressing them in a proper healthy way. I still got to figure certain things out. As a person who is single.

Staring at women. Yes I do it a lot. Now is the time to connect my pain, lack of feeling loved and cared for by a woman to the act of looking at them.

I feel less than that woman I see. I see myself less worthwhile.. especially if she is covered up. If she is dressed more openly then I begin lusting, degrading her in my mind and judging her.

To understand what is going on deep inside me. And change myself not just forcefully out of sheer willpower. But also to rise above the chains of making me feel unloved, hurt and broken.

To become comfortable, safe and mended within myself. To feel that I am loved and taken care of. It is a journey. A journey inside and out.