I have ruined/lost almost everything..but enough is enough

Hi,

This will be a big rant and I need to let it out, for myself as well as for many others who are suffering and cannot express it.

I am 34 years old, married, with 2 kids. started masturbating at age 15, indulged in porn around 16 and since then I have never stopped. I have done it so much that my average of all these years would be 4 per day (despite including the days where I couldn’t M cause of travelling or work etc.)


I used to be an extremely hardworking and above average performing in my academic life but I have ruined everything, so much that despite having 10 years of experience as an engineer and programmer, I still cannot write a small piece of code, my brain is totally frozen and unable to learn new things. Or if I try to learn, I would forget it right away. I used to have a sharp memory, which I always considered a big blessing to excel in life, but now I cannot even remember anything from school/college/university/last-year days.


I am having a failed marriage, in which PIED has a major role. My wife does not know about my PMO addiction but she knows she is living with a loser, who might be having a good salary (just by pure luck, otherwise I am performing extremely poor at work, I should be fired) but cannot perform sexually as well as physically in other chores.


I have ruined and almost lost everything in life. From vast visions of opening startups, creating employment for others, make a network to feed hungry people all over the world to performing every day necessary tasks like doing groceries or holding my own babies longer in my arms, I am unable to do anything, all thanks to PMO.


My parents and siblings still believe that I am a good and intellectually wise person, just because I was extremely good in studies and excelled beyond their expectations in academic life till high school. Little do they know that my performance degraded severely from uni life onwards due to my addiction. All they know is that I have a relatively good job and I might be good with things like I used to be in my teen age.


I used to be a very visionary and spiritual person (and I still am at least at thinking level) but it is of no use when my actions are totally opposite to the goodness.
I have not indulged in very weird fetishes but I have seen millions hours of straight porn, webchats like omegle and recently hentai as well. I have fooled so many women online to get the dopamine rush through PMO (and perhaps made them also consistent in their addiction) that when I reflect back, I see myself nothing but an evil person (not saying it just emotionally, my actions say it all).
From a kind hearted, extrovert and ambitious person, I have been reduced to deformed piece of flesh, who not only looks ugly and lifeless but is also of no use. I have suicidal thoughts but I have not reached to that level where I would do practically anything to myself (I believe I am still far away from it but that level can be reached if I continue with this addiction). I found nofap in 2017 but forgot about it completely till 2021 where I stumbled upon it again. I was intrigued to find a fellow community cause the effect PMO has on me in all these years, I was fully aware of them and deep inside, my soul wanted to shout and scream and tell everyone about this hell I am going through and share my insights so that no other person ever suffers from it. Upon reading many threads on this forum, specially the one about effects of long term PMO addiction on body and mind, I wanted to share my insights as well for past 1 year, to confirm that no one should take it lightly and some of the unbelievable effects mentioned by others are true. I am a walking disease center. I know for sure that the following were directly or indirectly caused to me by PMO addiction. Everything started around age 17 when I was already addicted for 2 years.

1. Losing eyesight. I used to wear glasses but lost more vision after PMO till I did laser operations few years ago. Now I believe I am starting t lose again

2. Short Height. I was doing fine till I embraced PMO monster. I have caused a huge imbalance to my hormones. All my friends and family members are taller than me and I am just 160cm.

3. Kidney stones. I have ruined my kidneys for sure. I have 4 operations of kidney stones in last 2 years and 6 overall in life cause of heavy PMO. I have experimented on some days with PMO o know for a fact that PMO is the leading cause. Kidney issues can trigger all sort of other issues in body.

4. I triggered purpura (viral disease which I believe was wrong diagnosis, I was just deficient in calcium and phosphorus) after 2 years of started PMO. My veins in stomach and legs were bleeding I could see blood spots from under the skin. I suffered three years with it but once I took phosphorus and calcium and stopped PMO a bit, it went away like a ghost.

5. I have triggered psoriasis (autoimmune issue, which I know for sure is cause of my stomach lining has become extremely thin cause of PMO and losing essential fluids every day. Purpura was also something similar)


6. Hair Loss. Those who say it is not linked are completely wrong. I have seen ruining my hair over the years.

7. Hyper pigmentation. My skin has developed dark patches at many spots and my face is also turning black. Nobody knows why I am having more melanin production but I know its PMO (not an illusion, I know how melanin increases on days when I do it heavily)


8. Extreme pores on face and acne issue. I have them all the time, didn’t used to have it much even around puberty but after two decades of PMO, I look dreadful)

9. Deformed bone structure. I have deformed shoulder shape and neck shape cause of all the bad positions I have been using to masturbate. I always lean on my left elbow for that and that spot has turned very dark and nothing on the right elbow. I stay in that position even after my legs and body start feeling pain. I have gained around 25kg in 3 years and my little efforts of weight loss are failing miserably. I look like a fat deformed pig with weird back and neck shape, all thanks to my PMO habits in bed. I have developed several lipomas over the last decade and have been checked for cancer. I know that chemical imbalance I have created in my body is showing its symptoms through such things.

10. Frequent urination. Also distress in path between left kidney and urethra. Did ultrasound couple of times but nothing there. Feels little bit better if I do not do PMO for couple of days (which is rare).

11. Extreme heart burn and acid reflex. I woke up many times choking on food during nights. Doctors have told me it is linked with stress and I know what causes stress and imbalance of chemicals inside my body- PMO

12. Fatigue and body shivers. My body is constantly in pain cause of stress, chemical loss due to PMO, lack of normal life movements and autoimmune problems. Normal pain killers do not work for me anymore (I do not try them regular, only when fatigue or pain goes out of control). I have to take steroid medicine to get rid of extreme fatigue, which basically just suppress my immune system so that I do not temporarily feel pain and fatigue.

13. Brain fog has reached extreme level. From being a bright student to almost 100% numb, on some days I would stare at one line of coding for hours, not knowing what to do next. I have been fired from previous job cause I was unable to perform at all and I had to take emergency sick leaves many times. I still landed in a similar position but again I did not give up PMO and I am still performing extremely bad.

14. Breathing issue. Tissues inside my nose have swollen (and so are other things inside my body e.g. tonsils). I had an operation but they grew back within one year and I cannot breathe properly at night. I snore so loud that I have to sleep in a separate room alone. I know for sure my chemical imbalance and nutrients deficiency is linked to it.

15. Social anxiety. I try to show off in front of others that I am a confident person but I know I am not anymore. I see other people doing lot of activities in in their life and I try to avoid everything, just because I do not want to do anything anymore. Nothing seems to make sense and I would rather waste time in PMO than spending it with others.

16. Chest Congestion. This is a recent development and although I am not extremely fat ( I am around 83kg, 160cm), I have started to have pain around my chest. I perform badly if I play any sport. All the amateur friends would perform better by default even if they are at same level at mine. Sometimes they make fun of my looks and shape but not in a bully way, perhaps they feel pity for me because they know me since teen age and they know how I used to look normal person and now what I have turned into. They often question me what’s going on and I just tell them these are unknown medical reasons.

17. Pins and needles feeling. If i start running even a bit or try to lift any heavy object, i have extreme pins and needles sensations all over head, full back and shoulders. I have asked multiple doctors but no one knows exactly how to treat. Some say it might mean lack of some vitamin, some say its a good sign of neurons opening up. What I know it that it is not a good thing as I am suffering from it since 6 years. It is extremely irritating feeling and perhaps my bad postures and excessive laying down in bed during PMO has made lot of veins numb and also I perhaps lack essential nutrients

I might have forgotten somethings in the above list but this is the overall life right now. My wife is fully dissatisfied, I am unable to teach anything to my young ones, I might get fired again cause of brain fog and poor performance and I have lost an ambitious life.


BUT..


I do not want my life to end like this. Enough is enough. Enough deceiving myself and mourning over the past 2 decades. I will not give up just because I wasted my precious years of life. I cannot change my past and might not even be able to accomplish anything in my career but I still want to have normal life and enjoy doing little things, even if it just for my children and my wife. I do not want to die knowing I am an addict to PMO. I do not know how many years are left for me, after developing so many health issues, but I will still fight this monster. I wanted to rant because I know that there are thousands like me, suffering deeply, not knowing what to do and they just need a push to focus on getting rid of this. There is a thread about “WHY PORN IS NOT ILLEGAL” and so many people (from comments) still do not understand that porn should not be allowed at all. On many other threads as well, many people comment that some of us are just linking everything with porn and it is not that much harmful. Well it affects differently. No one knows what constant hormonal and chemical imbalance would do to everybody. P is not to be given as a choice to humanity. Men are supposed to be bigger than this. Women are bigger than being pixel for millions of men. Our standards and morality have taken a big fall and they are still running down a steep hill but we need to save ourselves (first) and then as many other people as possible. I will fight this monster no matter how many times I fail.

I hope others get a lesson from this rant. Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks a lot..this is my day 1 and i am already having a battle with my inner demon.
I wish i could run a campiagn against this industry, which is really hard, as its a trillion dollar industry. And now it has penetrated so much in the form of instagram, snapchats etc that every other girl is willing to show her curves to all men. We have completely forgotten that men go after visuals and so much nudity and thin/tight clothing is desensitizing men, so much so, that we have to find new ways/fetishes to have that dompaine effect. No wonder why so much new variations are coming related to sex cause men are getting desensitized to normal sex. There is an abundance of it and it is getting extremely hard for a man to stay loyal/committed to one partner when he has so many images floating around in head all the time.
I wish there were more and more ted talks on it as this monster is not very old (internet porn is like 20 to 25 years old) and the larger population still do not know the side effects of it.

 

Thank you. I will try.
I have tried in the past but didnt go beyond one month and the reason I am afraid to try again is cause I have messed up my digestive system and kidneys so much that things are not easily getting absorbed in my body. Last time I started taking vitamins, I ended up having kidney stones within few days and went into emergency. The PMO has ruined my metabolism and I can feel it gets better if i dont PMO for 3 days. I am bloated continuously while i am doing PMO. My longest streak in last one year has been just 5 days (and even that was once only). I am trying to drink probiotic (kefir) to make metabolism a bit better along side of leaving PMO and then start taking vitamins. I have never smoked or drank alcohol in my life and yet my digestion and kidneys are ruined, all because of PMO

 

Indeed. I guess it is also good for myself that i wrote things here. I have a lot of urges and I often think I am naturally hypersexual but that could just mind trick to justify my actions. I am trying to read my post again and again to remind myself of the consequences I am facing after 2 decades. This is also a reminder that recovering would be slow as well and if I do not take action now, furture would be more devastating

 

Thanks a lot. Yeah I am trying to fill all possible free time after work with anything. Right now getting small things done is actually big goal for me. I am going to let go of all overly ambitious goals for now. Just have to fight this monster and expell it from system forever

 

Tottaly agreed. So many other people have reported similar isues on this forum as well as reddit. We do not need to wait for 100% research for every single thing. Common sense and intuitveness is sometimes enough. So many people are getting so many adverse effects of PMO so it should not be taken lightly. Heavy porn addicts are like walking zombies

 

my immune system is heavily compromised and I feel a difference even within 3 days. I just dont get passed 3 days.
Cold, flu were never a thing for me and now I am as fragile as a new born baby