I gave in to my fetish again

Hey mate, you're not alone. Sexuality can be wired from porn so it can cause a lot of confusion, including Homosexuality-OCD. I have a form of it too.

Change is possible from a reboot. People have reported their fetishes disappearing (although it can come back if you ever relapse hard), so there is hope!

 

Set some blockers. Are you into woman? What if there were no black men for you to have sex with? You can’t possibly be that attracted if you’ve never sucked on some black dudes penis before unless you have then that could be where it’s from. It’s obvious it’s the pornography. Get some accountability, set up blockers that you can’t bypass like Cold Turkey or Pluckeye and stop fantasizing about a black man’s genitals.

 

Don't be too discouraged. You can't kick a habit overnight. It will take time.

 

I'm in a similar fucked up situation. No idea what to do I just quit porn and live like all of this BS never happened.

 

It's not so much about living like it never happened. It'll be useful to remind yourself of what giving-in can lead to.

 

I understand but what else can we do. Trying to figure out why I developed this fetish and how come only this fetish is my only sexuality leads me to a depressive. I refuse to be stuck in that same emotion and I just let go. It's too much for me to handle and I don't ever want to be in that emotional state.

 

I read Gary Wilson's book which he explains that porn does cause these fetishes, and abstaining from porn does get rid of them. The answer is no PMO

I get urges for normal porn and fantasize about women, but only when I relapse do I have very slight urges to watch homosexual porn. I don't have any urges to watch more extreme fetishes, which I used to watch, but that's probably because NoFap has helped my mind recover a bit.

 

Does the book say anything about fetishes that were developed before discovering porn? This question has been bothering me the most. It is so unhealthy and unrealistic that there is no way I can continue living like this. Maybe mine is trauma based, maybe it isnt. All I remember is that I "saw" it, or was exposed to it in real life during kindergarden and ever since then my addiction to fetish porn started. I'm on day 14, and every now and then I "notice" men and women that resemble like the actors in those fetish porn videos and I find myself staring at them. Either my brain is trying to satisfy the urge with every tool there is, or that Im just fucked up. Either way, I try to acknowledge that this is there, in the back of my mind, but still live a normal life. This isnt sexuality, has nothing to do with me being possibly bi or gay, its just an addiction to a specific ACT which is called

Spoiler

squashing

and it doesnt even matter if its done by a overweight man or a woman. Im really that messed up.

I posted many times regarding my situation. I'd appreciate it if you could read through my posts and share what you think.

thank you.

 

Don't you think that your specific fetish has very little to do with a homosexual act as such, but far from that, something in your inner woundedness is expressing a hunger (hence, the image of an "oral" need) for repairing an injured side of your own masculinity or even an injury where your own masculinity was made to feel subordinate to other men - hence, the highly symbolic image of your fetish - just like highly developed and layered images in dreamwork - that is trying to express in a highly evocative fetish/picture what the true nature of your inner struggle is all about. And just like sex dreams often have very little to do with actual sex, so too do these fetish images you're struggling with have very little to do with actual sex either nor sexual orientation. Think about it. Where is it within you that you need this inner healing to your masculinity, and which you avoid by improperly self-medicating and self-anesthetizing with the use of addictive behaviors, such as PMO and fetish indulgence. Stripping away addiction will occasion seeing your inner wounds more clearly and trying to embrace your inner self with a gentle self-love and nurturance so as to bring about a greater healing in your inner self, building upon a masculinity from your own inner manhood, and not seeking a false, artificial, and impossible path of imbibing such masculinity (or self-dominance) from another man whom you imagine possesses these things. You are simply a man on a true path of finding the fullness of your own masculinity, personal dignity, and true manhood in its fuller expression in your own life and thriving - a good place to be, and better if you drop all addictive behaviors now. Best wishes!

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such an experience. It sounds rough. And none of it was your fault. I'm sorry mate. This is definitely something deeper than porn, but is probably influencing your use. I'd recommend finding a therapist to work through this trauma, because that's definitely what it is.

You're not broken for it. You're not messed up. This is the way brain works with trauma.

 

Thanks mate. Unfortunately no therapist has been able to help me. What we're doing in this forum is so "rare" that I would say therapists don't know anything about it. I did my research. Once a person is traumatized, it's not uncommon for the brain to sexualize it. My mind is "recreating" the same scenario over and over again trying to make sense out of it or to come to conclusions with what happened back then. But it cannot move past it and cannot make sense out of it, therefore it's stuck in that endless loop. Whenever I used to watch P, I was feeling "dominated", and taken advantage of in some kind of way. I then realized that during my teens that I would make out scenarios in my mind where my bigger friends would kind of like wrestle me and pin me on the ground. That also, means being dominated. It has more to do with emotional feelings, rather then just a simple porn addiction. My inner child is wounded, aka traumatized. My biggest fear became reality. And no idea how I should approach this. I can't even talk about a trauma therapist about that this is so embarrassing. I pray to god, and life my life the best I can. But when it's time to lay next to my girlfriend and to explore each other sexually I can't get it up.. that would make me so depressed man. I've been through it all, thought I was just gay, bi, had severe hocd and considered suicidal at one point.

but then also realized that I'm not alone. There's millions of people that go through the same thing. And the fact that the mind is trainable and can be readjusted to what you want, not what IT wants, makes me feel full of hope.

I'm just sick and tired of being like this. I guess you can call me an "entrepreneur", I run a business and cannot execute with those thoughts in the back of my mind, lost happiness in life. Felt like I failed everyone. Now I don't give a fu*k. I look forward to marriage as if that fetish never happened to me. I won't let the shadows of my last dictate my life. No idea if that's the right approach but I don't know what else to do. I'm just so tired.

And I apologize for my broken English.

Thanks

 

What approaches did your therapists try? Was it CBT, hypnosis, solution-based etc.

I understand it's hard - I am going through the same thing with my therapist where I am slowly getting to disclosing the difficult stuff - but that's where progress will be made. A therapist can only do so much with what they've got. It's up to us to slowly reveal ourselves more.

Yes that's true, which should bring hope because therapists have dealt with this before. It's not something they've never come across and therefore don't know how to handle.

I get that it feels embarrassing, but it's not your fault. You was given this. It's not part of who you are.

Your English was great. Only issue I had was you said 'fu*k' and I hate it when people censor 'fuck'