I feel like I'm going backwards

Hi guys, I really didn't want to post this thread because it would mean admitting how badly I'm fucking up, but here we are, so fuck it, lets go.

I feel like in the last few weeks I've started regressing back to how I was before I did my FIRST 75 day streak back in January, let alone my recent 80 day one. Where once I could easily go at least a month before a relapse, now its barely a week, sometimes even a few days, today I lasted less than one day. Thankfully it seems along the way my extreme fetishes went away so thats a plus but its little consolation when I am struggling to stop myself from masturbating 5+ times a day, going a few days, then doing it all again. What is incredibly frustrating about this is I feel like I'm doing all I can to overcome it but I still cant, and its becoming incredibly demoralizing. When every trick in the book doesnt work and my own brain is constantly trying to sabotage me, what the hell am I supposed to do?

 

Sadly I can't do that due to the nature of my education, I have to use a computer for hours a day and there's nothing I can do about it short of drop out of the degree. The thing is though, I don't even think that having access to porn is the real issue necessarily, after all I managed to avoid it for so long even when I used the internet so much.

 

I'm pretty sure at this point that I use PMO (yes I was relapsing to porn but not every time) as a form of self medication because I don't like my current situation and can't really change it. Like I said to the other person responding I have no choice but to use the internet a lot because it's the nature of my degree, but the issue lies in me hating the degree and hating that I can't get out of the situation I'm in short of the nuclear option of dropping out. (Which I obviously can't do especially with it being final year). I can't give an exact number but it seems I relapse the most times at university, in fact it was only a month into my final year that I broke my longest streak and it was probably that that sent me on the spiral down (among other things which form the sake of brevity I won't get into).

Like you say it seems the issue is motivation and drive, I won't lie, I barely have any ATM. Simply reducing access to porn ultimately doesn't work for me and makes the focus too much about simply avoiding porn, as opposed to embracing what I can do without it. At the risk of sounding overly pessimistic I'm not sure how to do this anymore, I used to have that drive but now all I have is a load of data jotted down about my PMO habits, triggers etc, but no internal drive to listen to it and quit porn.

 

Thanks a lot, I'll be sure to check that out.

 

Cheers, I'll download it right now

 

Ok yeah I basically have all those symptoms, some more extreme than others but I've experienced them all in recent months. I think honestly that my shitty situation only exacerbates the problem and it's a situation I basically can't fix short of dropping out of my degree, which would probably just make things worse. I hate feeling so hopeless about it but yet here we are.

 

My worst enemy is my own mind, I feel like I'm in a constant battle with a part of me that insists I stay the same, not just when it comes to PMO but in all areas of my life. If this problem was external then it could be more easily tackled but trying to convince your own brain to accept a new perspective (by using your own brain) is some next level ironic shit that I really struggle with. In future I think I need to pick my battles and stick to fighting them, if that makes sense. I have so much shit I'm trying sort out that NoFap became easier to rationalize bailing on.

 

Thanks a lot, all the best to you too!