Its very hard for me to find meaning, everything I had loved before is gone, happy family memories, friends, hobbies. I will probably never consider the military, I was just pointing out how meaningless it would be trying to live some purposeful life just to die on the land of some foreign country. I am afraid of death because I have feel robbed of never truely feeling alive. I am currently akin to a machine, wake up, school, sleep. It especially hurts when seemingly everyone else has some goal, purpose, real friends. Even if I manage to talk to someone the conversation seems empty and hard to connect to for long and it leaves me dissatisfied. Thank you for your opinion though.
Focus on yourself and not those around you how do you want to be what do you want from life, you are young and many of your peers may find themselves not so sure in a few years anything can happen but focus on yourself what you like what you like to do, look around see what interests you find inspiration find your way in this world
I relate to this 100%. I was in my early 20s when these dark feelings started to set in. The things that used to give me joy stopped having any meaning. I used to like comedy, play the guitar, read philosophy books, I was into computers, I'd done teaching jobs. Now all of that seemed completely empty and meaningless. I stopped working and isolated myself from family and friends. I spent most of my time on my own. At times I considered suicide as a way out. The only thing that seemed to give me pleasure was pursuit of women (I was terrible at it) ... and PMO. A few years later I saw a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis for depression. Personally I chose not to take medication, but I know it can be good for some people. I went through a lot of therapy though, which was hit and miss but in the end very helpful. Therapy is a big source of healing for me. Here's how I think of those feelings now. Say you have a pain in your foot. It hurts and you might get disabled for a while. But you won't say "the whole world hurts", you say "my foot hurts". You know the pain is inside your body, it's not 'out there' in things. You wait for it to heal, maybe get some physio, and soon you're back on your feet walking again. Depression is the same way. It's soul pain. It's not that the world is meaningless, instead your soul is hurting and lost its meaning. If you let your soul heal, all those good things (family, friends, hobbies, purpose) will return. You'll be back on your feet again. Two things you can do. 1) Keep going with nofap and work your way up to 90 days (ideally hard mode). If you're anything like me, you use PMO and sex as a drug to distract yourself from the dark feelings. Let go of that drug and your soul will start healing itself. It sucks while it lasts, but in the end you'll feel a lot better and your life will start having meaning again. All addicts feel meaningless and depressed when their drug is taken away. That's the withdrawal symptoms and it's normal when you're detoxing. 2) If those dark feelings are really bad and don't go away for weeks and weeks or get worse, consider seeing a psychiatrist/therapist. That can be very helpful. Keep us posted how things are going.
You're still very young. At 29, I will tell you that I wasted my teens and early 20's on too many video games, anime, and social media. You also talked about others seeming to have better lives than you. Don't believe every thing you see on social media or be jealous of others. Don't be ashamed of community college either, it's still a great opportunity. College is what you make of it! I know this because I just finished my master's degree...in school counseling. If you are uncertain about your future explore possibilities/careers/jobs even if you think you have no interest. Spending a day or week in the wrong place and learning from it is better than getting stuck there for years. Graduation is coming up so make the moat of your time left. Make some memories, but don't burn any bridges, lol. And I know this sounds obvious, but don't do drugs or alcohol. I drank a lot in collge and it didn't really get me anywhere.
