I did something I regret

Listen brother, you're not alone. There are a few things going on.
First and foremost, the good news is you can recover from this. You can heal. There is hope.
You do not have to do this alone. You will need support. This website is a great place to be. Talk to people on here.
What you're dealing with is important. Please reach out to someone you trust.
I struggled with this as well. I hated this part of my life. Because I dealt with this in secret it wrecked havoc on my public life.
I had a few experiences at university that freaked me out and gutted my self image and self esteem. I never saw it coming. I was into weight lifting and swimming. I worked out with a friend I met in the marine corp. I ran marathons and skied and backpacked.
I would end up M in the sauna when school was out or I had time down time. I was devastated to be doing this with other men. I had always had girlfriends and was very much attracted to the opposite sex. There was no support back then and I became depressed. I promised myself it would be the last time after the excitement was spent and left with fear and disgust. I went into my religion and dated my gf for 4 years. I forgot about it and moved on with my life. Regardless I carried the anxiety and doubt with me moving forward.
I got married to a girl I met in NYC. She was from Europe. She was very kind and sweet to me when I was drowning in fear and doubt.
Some time after I got a job traveling. I got involved in the pick up arts and practiced what I was learning while I was on trips at bars and hotels. I internalized what I was learning and started cheating compulsively on my wife. I didn't feel guilty and kept these worlds separate.
I was at a bar in Honolulu one evening and started talking to these two girls. The one girl looked at her other friend and said, "he is really funny".
This was new territory to me. Finding out what woman found attractive and being that became my life's work now. I bought new clothes, I traveled constantly across the globe. I had experiences and went to places most people don't go, Afghanistan, India, South Africa.
My work was risky. Part of me didn't care. I was looking for a place to be killed. I still carried anxiety from my experiences in university. It had scarred me. While I had moved up in my career I struggled with my self image and HOCD. I didn't know that was even a term. The best I could do to deal with it was study for exams and apply for additional courses.
I was divorced by now after falling in love with a girl i met. Up till then I was meeting woman and thought nothing of it. One night I was in Hawaii and sat next to this blond. She lived back in the states and we started a long distance relationship. I did everything to see her. I moved to a different state and lived with her for 5 years.
I was drinking a lot at this point. I was working mostly in the middle east. My behavior had only escalated with woman. how I met my current gf continued with meeting other woman behind her back.
It was all very addictive.
On one particular trip I got to my hotel after being on an airline for 24 hours. It was dark out and I was exhausted. I opened up my laptop. My company email was full talking of an event that had happened while I was in transit. The crew that I was replacing had been all killed in an accident. It was 8 coworkers that I knew personally. I call my gf sobbing. I had no desire to be where I was let alone deal with my 20 day rotation ahead of me. My stomach was in a knot.
The company stop operations for 72 hours. They called in therapist we could talk with free of charge at the hotel conference room. I met with the lady. She was very kind.
I missed the accident by simple scheduling changes that happened routinely. I had not picked up my phone three days earlier when scheduling had called. It was my day off and I wasn't required to answer my phone. They continued down the list below me. I didn't know it at the time but not picking up the call saved my life. I don't think about it other than just one more detail of my life.
A while after I resigned. I was wounded. I was constantly cheating on my gf who I loved. I drank every night. I had left my marriage and broke my wife's heart and moved on with a much younger woman. I hid behind career and travel and alcohol.
I took a local job back in California where I was now living. Because of my experience I was easily employable.
my life became easier.
Having more free time on my hands, I discovered P. It really had not been that much of my life. My gf and I would watch it together and have sex.
Being home full time was new to me and didn't slow down my cheating. I justified it with just relieving stress. I would go to massage parlors during the day when my gf was at work. She was a teacher. She also traveled during the summer as a long distance back packer. I was supportive of her. I would visit her during the halfway points during her hikes. But mostly I looked forward to being home while she was gone. I would drink and look at p. I was flirting with a girl at work who I started having sex with.
I was on craigslist. There used to be a section for hooking up, Causal Encounters. It gave the option to seek sexual hook ups. You could chose same sex. It had been decades since I had any experience like this. It was easy to send pictures. I was excited. The thrill washed over me even as I told myself this was repulsive and I wasn't interested. The sharing of pictures couldn't happen fast enough. I was addicted. My brain was on a rocket ship ride. After each episode I felt hatred for what I had done. I erased the history on my laptop and phone. I promised myself I that was the last time. Never again. Only to find myself hooked again after a little time had passed. I figured I would just take another look. It wouldn't get to far outta hand. Just a little thrill and thats all.
Soon I was meeting men. All behind my gf back. I had no control. Every time I would be destroyed with self revulsion. Coming down from the dopamine high my self confidence was crushed to pieces. The men I would meet were just objects I was left standing there in front of with a now limp dick and shot semen smelling up the place. I deeply hated them and myself.
It escalated to grinder a while later after CL shut down that option because of human trafficking issues. I never thought I would use that app being strictly a gay app. CL was one thing but grindr was next level.
The same behavior now reared its ugly head under different technology. I had broken up with my gf, I walked out on her one night and moved into a shitty studio apartment across town.
What I thought was exciting and an adventure was only isolating me deeper and deeper.
If I was just gay it would have stopped there. I could accept this is who I am and move on with my life. People sensed I was conflicted. On one occasion I had a flamboyant guy say to the group, are you sure you're not gay?
His comment was meant for his amusement and others, it had nothing to do with empathy or acceptance. He said it with an oversized grin and glee.
He had a fraction of the experiences or responsibility that I had taken on in life. But there I was, burning red with shame and weakness unable to defend my man hood.
I wanted the pain to stop. I owned a 9 mm smith and Wesson. Some nights I would completely break down in my shitty studio apartment. I would hold that gun and stare at it. I only wanted it to end. One night I put it in my back pack and walked to the edge to the breakwater wall at the marina I lived by. I was practicing taking it to the place where I would shoot myself. I sat there in the middle of the night holding the gun. I figured if someone saw me I could toss it in the channel. I didn't want to go back to my studio because I was so depressed I couldn't stand it there.
I didn't take my life because my mom is still alive and it would have broken her heart. I used to put the gun to my head with no ammunition. Other times I would put it to my head and keep the safety on and I think that kept me from pulling the trigger. It was a dark time. But the one thought that was never far away was not wanting to hurt my mother.
A friend of mine at this time said I needed a project . He was witnessed the break up with my gf and knew I was in trouble. I gave him my gun to hold. He said I should buy a house. I had some property outta state and was able to pull some money outta of that for a down payment on a 3 bed room two bath.
I closed on the house and remodeled it for 6 months. After I finished the remodel I knew something was still off. I had changed jobs and now had a new home. My life looked like it was improving and from the outside it had.
I dated a new girl during the pandemic but still would look at porn. The hooking up with men had stopped for the time.
One day like a bolt of lightening something hit me dead center. All the activity, all the pictures sent back and forth, all the rumors and gossip about my sexuality, all the anxiety and fear?

IT. WAS. ALL. FROM. THE. PORN.

Non of it, and I mean NON OF IT would have been the issue it became without the poison of internet porn. It wrecked havoc in my life, destroyed my marriage, ruined homes, lost real estate, affect my career, broke up my relationship with my gf, questioned my sexuality, etc.
I have made a lot of progress. I have been sober for two years now. I exercise regularly, I have a beautiful dog I love. My house is in good shape. I recently got back from a trip in London. My anxiety will always be an issue but it is WAY more manageable.

It's weird to write this story here. I am sitting in a coffee shop in my home town. I am going to run home as soon as I send this. I have two friends coming over later to mediate. I am dating a beautiful red head with blue eyes from work. She is on vacation this week with her family in Arizona and we text constantly. I ll see her in a couple of days.
I do oil paintings and was working on my latest painting earlier before I came here and started writing this.

Internet porn is fentanyl. There is life after internet porn. What you're struggling with now people need to hear. Reach out to people ahead of you. Also tell your story for those coming behind us because there are countless men struggling.

The odds are not stacked in their favor, but not to worry. Overcoming obstacles is what we do as men.

best,
A6659