Hi, I'm PsionicPhazon. I'm 24 years old, and I live in Taiwan. I am addicted to porn and masturbation. For the first time I am starting the "normal" nofap reboot challenge. I don't know how to navigate forum websites like these, so if I'm doing it wrong let me know. My Past: I grew up in 2 households (my parents being divorced). My mother being very religious and cautious of her 5 boys, she had very tight security on the computer (there was only one in the house, and it was in the middle of the living room with safesearch protocols on it and whatnot). On the other hand, my father's home was far more relaxed, and it is there I started my porn habits at the age of 14 (by viewing pictures on Wikipedia). While my porn habits were very dispersed throughout my time traveling between houses every other week, they grew more intense. Shortly after discovering porn, a wet dream I that had woken me up introduced me to masturbation through dry-humping my bed, which lasted for several years but doesn't exist anymore. I also learned about masturbation in the shower and in front of a computer screen, both of which are still prominent in my life. Once I turned 18, I had a falling out with my mother and moved exclusively to my father's home until about a year after I finished high school. During that period of time, I utilized pornography more than ever, sometimes twice a day. Though I had stronger control over it during that time, my porn habits (though not masturbation) cooled off over the next few years, where viewing porn happened once every couple weeks, give or take a few days. I met a woman in college and followed her to her home country of Taiwan, where we got married and we now currently live. When we started, I avoided pornography for a couple months, but then it began to creep into my life again very slowly. It's been 3 years, and now I have problems. I view pornography and/or masturbate almost daily, sometimes 3 times a day. My wife doesn't know about it and in a discussion we had a couple years ago, doesn't really want to know. But a combination of becoming active in my religion again and the sinking feeling that my PM habits are affecting my psychological behavior (and thusly the relationship with my wife) has driven me to come here and put an end to this habit that I know will destroy my life if I don't get control now. I am addicted, and I need help. My Challenge: I plan on doing a "normal" challenge. I want to go a full 90 days without viewing porn or masturbating. I know it's tough, but I want to try it. I know that it's possible, and I am confident that I can do it. In most aspects of my life, I am weak-willed. It took a lot to admit it to myself the other day, but in many things (including porn, eating, and responsibility) I cannot control myself. I don't know how to work hard and stay working hard. I am lazy, weak-willed, and unable to finish what I start. I plan on changing that, starting today. I need your help. I've installed the panic button app and I am doing this conversation now (I'm not sure if this is how you start a reboot, but here it is anyway). I'm going to avoid getting an accountability buddy for now because I feel that getting one would cause my wife to start wondering what I'm doing every day when I check in and then it would cause problems in our relationship. But other than that I am onboard. I am willing to get help and help others who have the same problem. My Struggles: I've mentioned it above, but I am weak-willed. I'm going to try as hard as I can, but in the past when I've wanted to start a different habit I haven't even lasted a full day (I don't even do New Year's Resolutions because I know I can't even finish a full day of the new year; and don't get me started on gym memberships!). My Biggest Shame: I have not mentioned this to anyone, and I feel it important to put it out there. But a few weeks ago I attended a wedding in Vietnam. The day before the wedding a bunch of guys went to get massages and I joined in. The girl giving me the massage offered to give me "the happy ending", and my will broke almost instantly. It has made me guilty, and I cannot bring myself to tell my wife about it. Is it cheating? Some say no, but in my heart I know that it is, and it is killing me. My desensitization to pornography is part of what caused this to happen, and I will never let that happen again. To be honest, this is the biggest reason for my decision to join nofap, so that I can do the right thing if I am ever faced in a similar situation. I love my wife, and the me before this incident would have told you that I would never do this. The me now will tell you that I would be tempted and would struggle to do the right thing in the future, despite the love I have for my eternal companion. If you can, I would like some reassurance on this matter--at the very least, someone to help me get through the guilt I'm feeling. Thank You: I'm sorry if I am doing all of this wrong, but thank you for reading and helping however you can. I would really appreciate it.
You've got the starter mindset. As you begin to treat this journey as a lifestyle, things seem to be more organized. On the weak-willed part: I must say abstaining isn't recovery. You've gotta find something to stimulate your brain in a healthy way. Anything of your preference. So as time passes, the need you conditioned 'it' to P will slightly fade. It's clear the huge amount of love you have towards your wife. She, then, deserves your best version. Research about what you're fighting against. Know it's tricks and learn to predict some missteps. The mind is not easy to tame, meditation for 5 min a day should help a bit. Know that we ALL are here because this addiction is a big f****** deal. Some of us finds themselves giving up cause they let the addictive behavior occupy their lives. Relapse is not failing, get that on your head. Sucess is not measured by winning, but by how you react to defeat. And most of all, give time to your inner self. Converse with your own eventually. On waiting periods or boring waits, talk to yourself. What is the best WE can be? How can I be creative about changing my lifestyle. Use affirmations that honour the process you're putting yourself in. This is a noble one. Not the nes like "I do NOT masturbate more" or "objectfying isn't a trait of me anymore". Be assertive. Claim your right as Master in this body. All actions must be driven by choice. I like to constantly repeat to myself. "I should thank for every challenge that appears upon me, hence that's an opportunity to refine my character!"
