I’m tired of relapsing

It seems like porn is all I have in my life . I am tired Of being angry and bitter and tired of resenting happy people . Their was a time when I didn’t care about what anyone thought about me . Now I am hyper sensitive to everything. So tired of starting over and starting over again and again . This isn’t what I wanted out of my life. I guess it’s easy to sit here and wallow in shit of my own making.i don’t know why I’m alive. Sometimes I wonder if “god” gets a kick out of seeing me in this state .

 

Well I already work out and I’m pretty buff . Not trying to brag but I am . It’s just the loneliness that does it for me . The loneliness makes way for the relapse .

 

Yes man I appreciate your words . I will tell you this, people that work out are usually more insecure than the general population . Most of us have body dysmorphia too, it comes with it. It wasn’t always like this. I used to be heavy into drugs . I went to rehab when I was 22 . When I got out I consistently stayed working out and started abusing steroids . I am now 30 and on testosterone replacement therapy . I know that I have PIED cause my testosterone level is at 1450, and still I am not horny at all. I know the only way to fix this problem is abstinence. I can’t wish it away or daydream a new life anymore . I hate who I have become. I’m angry all the time and miserable. Yes strong on the outside but weak on the inside . I’m sick of it . Relapse seems inevitable. Once I relapse then I masturbate everyday for a week or so till I quit . Then I try again. It’s been this way for several years now . Happiness comes from within . Sounds cliche but it does. It’s crazy how addicted to this I am since I know porn turns you into a mindless zombie but I still keep coming back .

 

Yeah man it’s definitely hard for me . I guess what lead up to this was growing up chubby and being bullied. I guess idk I was called ugly more than others growing up . People would tell me growing up that I was ugly and I would end up alone. Even my parents , they never told me what a good looking kid I was . They always just told me that I needed to lose weight . Especially my father. He would always say you gotta lose weight I want you to have girlfriends and go on dates . I was around 14 at this time going through middle school. When your chubby , ugly and have social anxiety you become a target . Eventually puberty happened and I shot up to about 5 foot 10 in high school . I was (and am) still scarred from all the bullying in my adolescent years . I figured well they make fun of me at school and my parents say I’m fat so I must really be ugly. Looking back , when girls Would try and flirt with me in high school I would shut it down . I thought they were just being nice to me . I never thought they were interested in me . The fat chubby kid was still their on the inside and is still their today . At this point in high school I discovered drugs . Drugs made me outgoing and allowed me to be who I always wanted to be. At the time I was also getting home from school well before my parents . I loved rolling a joint of synthetic marijuana and beating my meat to some kinky femdom porn. Ecstasy , lsd, mushrooms and pills also came into my life . All the cool kids did these drugs . They all had girlfriends and I wanted to fit in. The difference was they were having fun I was numbing pain . The fat stage of my life also led me to develop bulimia and my parents would hear me vomiting . At this time I was about 17 , 5 foot 10 and weighed 135 pounds . Getting fat again was my biggest fear and it still effects me today. I got my first girlfriend when I was 19 . She was beautiful , big boobs , a fake tan , bright blue eyes just beautiful . I couldn’t believe she liked me . This beautiful creature wanted to be with me ? Why would she I’m ugly I thought to myself . I could never understand it . I figured hell, are you sure this isn’t some mistake lol . You don’t like one of my other “friends “ , no one likes me . Eventually, she left me after a month because of the self hatred and low self esteem . I didn’t care . Porn was my master at this point in my life and still is today . All I ever think about is if I was like the other kids growing up my life would be different than it is today . I’ve become angry and bitter at god . He gave me a shitty childhood and now a even shittier adult hood . 30 years old with pied . I have a lot of issues . Sometimes I think I’m too far gone and broken so fuck it just fap . These last 10 years I’ve tried to kill myself with drinking and drugs and alcohol. It’s like my friend says “you trying to die but god just won’t let you.” I think a therapist would be beneficial . Part of my relapses is remembering back to 7th grade . A classmate said “ your probably end up marrying your cousin cause no one likes you .” Sometimes I think shit they were right here I am broken and alone . Even to this day I still get uncomfortable when people give me compliments . When girls tell me I’m cute or handsome It makes me so uncomfortable . I just let out a dry “thank you “. I don’t believe them when they say that . I’m on two antidepressants but I think I’m going back to the doctor to get it switched out . I’m sorry this was a long post but it’s how I feel inside all the time . Maybe you or some others can relate to this .