I’m at my lowest

So for context, I’ve been addicted to PMO since I was around 14, but never truly recognized it as a problem. Even going into high school I’d joke around with my friends about how often I’d masturbate, feeling somewhat self conscious of it deep down, but I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, or myself, so I never really tried much to do anything about it. But when I was 16, I met someone, who I fell hard for and we ended up in a serious relationship, and I considered her to be the love of my life. I mean I loved everything about her. I was head over heels, we wanted to get married and live together and have a family one day, and we were so happy. But as my addiction got worse I ended up cheating on her, and I had a moment of clarity after having sexted with someone online, realizing “what am I doing? I can’t be doing this. I have a girlfriend that I love more than anything.” And told myself that it’s fine, I was a good boyfriend and treated her right, I just made a mistake, and that the only way it could hurt her was if I told her. And I somehow managed to just block the incident from my memory all but entirely, to where I barely remembered it, and went about 6 months without thinking about it again, except for maybe having it briefly enter my mind before leaving shortly after. Additionally, a few months later I touched myself to Instagram pictures of someone else that went to our school, something which she also considered cheating, and I’m inclined to agree. Also, at my absolute rock bottom, I acted on a fetish I had developed about beastiality, and tried to engage in sexual acts with one of my dogs, even looking up how to initiate them into sex, and tried licking his genitalia. I still can’t quite remember when this was, wether it was the summer before I met her or in the summer while we were dating, though I think it might have been while we were dating, which just makes it even worse. I thank god that he had zero interest, because if I had actually gone through with it I might have ended up killing myself. Eventually I ended up fully remembering what I’d done (the first time) and realizing how bad it was when we had a conversation about honesty and how important it was to her and how she would feel sick to her stomach if she felt like I was hiding something, so I felt that I had to tell her, and it completely broke her heart. We tried to make things work, I tried to be better for her, tried to start limiting how often id masturbate, trying to only do it maybe once every other day, but I would keep falling back into it, and the kind of stuff I would watch or read or look at disgusted her and she told me she wasn’t comfortable with me looking at it, and I continued to try and block these things out and be better for her, for us, and for the life we wanted to have, but I kept failing and as time went on and I remembered more and more of the horrible, disgusting things I’d done, and came clean to her about them, eventually, she had to break up with me to stop getting hurt. She blocked me shortly after, but a few months later I reached out and we started talking again, and even became friends, but I still had feelings for her. I wanted to try and fix myself, so that maybe we could get back together one day, but still never did. I’d tell myself “it’s over, you don’t have a chance, might as well stop trying to change” and continue to just fall back into it, even though the rest of me just wanted to be back with the person I loved and knew I was only keeping it from happening. I told her how I felt a few days ago, after finding out that she had kissed a guy that she’d been telling me she was interested in, and she became upset that I was telling her my feelings after she was finally moving on, and as it turns out, she still had feelings for me, and still loved me, a few months before. But now, she’s blocked me again today, to protect herself from falling back into getting hurt by me, and it feels like we’ve broken up all over again. All the horrible feelings and incredible pain I felt when we broke up, I’m feeling again but now it’s worse because now I know for sure she doesn’t love me anymore, and is probably going to end up dating someone else. At least then, I knew she still loved me at the time and probably wouldn’t be with anyone else for a while. I felt like such garbage I wanted to die, but I went for a run instead to help my mental state, but even during the run I thought about committing suicide multiple times. I truly feel at my lowest right now. I’m worried that tomorrow when the endorphins have worn off I’ll be back to this absolutely shitty feeling. I’m currently 3 days no MO right now, I would’ve been 3 days no PMO, but I had a setback and looked at porn today. I’m glad I didn’t fully break, but getting through this shitty time is going to be incredibly hard and I’m not even sure if I feel like living.