Husband's pornography addiction caught out - what do i do?

I am a Christian woman who has been with a guy is who isn't Christian for about 3 years.
We went though this issue and after all the stories of women who have dealt with it, there are two types of men when confronted by pornography. One is the guy who KNOWS it's wrong and has tried to quit and just wasn't successful. Then, there is the angry defensive guy. It looks like you have the angry guy. That's a lot tougher and may require therapy but you need to find out what's on his mind and even if he wants to change. If so, work with him, realize that this is a powerful addiction but DO NOT BECOME HIS DOORMAT. If he refuses to cooperate after therapy and you letting him know how it makes you feel, then you may have to decide whether you want to continue the marriage. Lastly, PRAY. I made the mistake of not praying when my bf and I were fighting against his addiction. I did a VERY stupid thing by thinking I could get back at him by watching porn myself....and then I got myself into something I did not want to be apart of. So now, my bf seems to be doing well and I'm the one struggling. One more thing that helps is research. Through reading pornography statistics, how it affects the brain and how people are treated in pornography, he and I became more and more disgusted with pornography.
Also, be sure to set boundaries. What is and what is not considered pornography. That's a big problem for a lot of people (myself included) so even though someone may have seen something they shouldn't have, they say "well it's not porn" but the images are still graphic. Anyway, I hope I've helped some at least. You can pm me any time if you need help or resources.
Oh and good websites to find stories and statistics
www.thepinkcross.org
pornharms.com
fightthenewdrug.org

 

This is definitely a touchy subject. I remember when my previous ex girlfriends had asked me if I looked at porn and I flat out lied to them and said "No". So just beware that it's definitely hard for any man to open up about his struggle and addiction. We are all afraid of shame and the person not loving us like they used to. That's what porn does. It tells you that no one else will love you anymore except the pleasure that comes from viewing something so fake and disgusting as porn itself. Although I'm not married I don't know what you are both going through but I fear one day having to tell my future wife about my sexual struggles. It's something most men just don't want to talk about. Sex runs deep in our souls. There is probably a deeper issue than just "well I don't feel attracted to you" or "we haven't had sex in a while" answer. There is something more I'm sure. I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm wondering why I've been addicted to this thing for so long. I think you are doing the right thing though in forgiving him and loving him well b/c he needs that. He needs to know that you still accept and love him. He just needs to accept himself and what he's done and move on and start enjoying you more and find out what makes each of you get in habits where your not loving or having sex with each other anymore. Looks good on paper, but in reality it's hard.

 

Hey there! My name is Michael. I just joined NoFap as a porn addict & I thought your story was worth saying something to.

1. Everyone is closed...guys more so than girls...even in cases of rape.
2. Everyone is independent on some level in how they do things...guys more so than girls.

So what I am saying is that he's like me. He doesn't want to hurt the one he loves as he is struggling to overcome his addiction. He is still afraid & feels guilt. That said, there are evil idiots out there who want to make him believe that it is OK to do what he is doing.

I can tell you right now that the evidence is overwhelming that over-consumption of anything, including substances & experiences....will numb the brain & the soul.

He is not perfect & neither are you. So try your best to match up your sexual rhythms & take care of each other as the creator individuals you both are.

He is vulnerable inside right now. He does not want to be hated & put into isolation.

The best case scenario is that if you allow him to make mistakes & love him no matter what, that he'll find his "cause" & "way" on his journey through the labyrinth he is in right now.

I have some control over my addiction & I'm 26...but this control comes from three different sources.

1. Individual Pride & Depression (they subconsciously/passively affect my mood)
2. Truth & Objectivity (I am very self-aware of the types of sexual & violent attitudes I can experience...the spirits of creation, liberation, domination & annihilation.)
3. .....I went off the deep-end & found myself isolated...with everything from religion, politics, conspiracy theory, science, entertainment...I'm 26 freaking years old & I feel like an old-man...in both wisdom & weariness...emphasis on the weariness.

So my free-thinking & curiosity brought me to an isolated state where I discovered something just short of perfect loneliness...something only GOD in the beginning had experienced.

Loneliness is the only thing that could kill God. That is why he *became* The Creator & we *became* his creations...in order to find meaning. One is nothing without the other. The Bible even teaches this principle by saying "It is not meet for man to be alone." & "Neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man."

If your husband experiences isolation on that level...trust me...he'll definitely change...though there is a chance he might kill himself if he tries to completely isolate himself like I did. I am still contemplating suicide...but I am emotionally more sensitive as a result toward everything I already had a deep care for. My love for everyone is immense.

I am sorry for writing so much. If you disagree with any of it...then I wish you luck finding better answers...but I can tell you this...I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN OF THESE THINGS. This is not a statement created simply out of some self-righteous notion of authority. I haven't been able to tell you everything & with all honesty & good will I tell you right now that I never would tell you everything.

*To every man his journey*

 

Yea this is tough. I have struggled with porn addiction, and I have recently lied to girls I was with about it. It is hard to admit it because porn is kind of a pathetic thing, and a lot of people can't understand how chemically addicting it is.

I'm 21, not married, but a christian male like you asked for. So here is my two cents on it.

1) You need to be understanding. It sounds like you are, but just to be sure, PORN IS AN ADDICTION. It is real and hard to break out of. You claim your husband was dying for any reason to get back into watching porn. That may be true, but it is unfair to accuse him of rationally thinking "oh we're not having sex, guess I can finally watch porn." While that may have been the mechanics his brain was acting on, it probably wasn't a conscious thing.

2) All due respect, you need to cool it with your outlook that he cheated on you by watching porn. Has be done something pathetic and wrong? Yes. But he could have had an affair, bought a prostitute, whatever, and at least from what you've written, he hasn't. That indicates that he is committed to you and loves you.

3) Sex life in a marriage is a tricky thing, but it is also a two way street.

4) Just because he changed his email, doesn't mean he is watching porn again. You need to ask him about this in a non confrontational manner.

5) Him quitting porn will not just be a conversation and an apology. It will be a daily struggle for a while that you as his wife need to be supportive for.

That's all I got. It also sounds to me like maybe there are other issues in your marriage (as there are in all) outside of your husband's porn use. His lack of affection arguably is enhanced by watching porn, though. I would definitely recommend sitting down and having a frank discussion with him about how he is going to stop using porn and how you are going to be there to help him do it. Having three conversations about it and him lying then apologizing are not going to fix years of porn addiction.

 

Hi Mzh4,

It looks like your post got cut off at the end there. I'm not sure if there was something else you wanted to share, but if so, you're welcome to do so.

It sounds like your husband is sorry, although about that bit about viewing pornography being adultery, and thus grounds for divorce, I doubt he truly agrees with you on that point. He probably agreed with you to your face to keep the peace and acknowledge that that was how you felt about it. You don't intend to divorce him over this, so even you must make a distinction between actual adultery and the adultery in the heart that Jesus was talking about. By the way, that Biblical warning was meant to be an admonishment for people to police themselves to a high standard, not for anyone to use as a legal tool for policing others. There are different ways to think about the verse. Here is one examination of it.


Nonetheless, looking at pornography was wrong of him, and it seems to be tied up with problems he has being affectionate with you, and you have the right to be upset about it. It was a violation of your relationship boundaries. It may be worth thinking about though, that you have tried to set a boundary line in a somewhat unenforceable place. You say when you discovered the stuff on his phone you told him that the least he could do was delete his browsing history. Well, by changing his passwords, he has honored that request in a way. His e-mail and Facebook accounts would reveal to you his historical activities going who knows how far back. Even if he never looks at porn again, you might find something in his accounts that hurts you, and he is protecting you from that. Consider having a frank discussion about how much of your online lives to keep private and how much to share. He is clearly going to want some private space.

You seem to want to be rewarded for trusting him and forgiving him above and beyond the call of duty. Even if you have done so, it would be healthy for you to get over that notion. You don't get a special prize. You are staying with him by choice. It is unreasonable to expect him to perpetually grovel at your feet for doing him such a big favor. He has to feel wanted too, just like you do.

I think the best thing for you to do is to focus on the love and affection flowing between the two of you for now, just focus on your intimacy needs being met, and focus on his needs being met. What may take a bit of work is finding out what his needs truly are. It sounds as if he has not been very articulate about that, and it's clear he doesn't feel entirely safe being open with you. Help him to open up by reassuring him and asking him questions that will lead to more closeness. Go to a couples counselor if need be. Emphasize that it is for both of you to grow and enjoy your relationship more, and not a tool that you want to use to "fix" him.

What to do about the porn? I think it is a bad idea for you to act as his parole officer on this one. You are his helpmeet. Bring him to a pastor or deacon, someone whose spiritual authority he trusts, and insist that he talk about his problem and get some ongoing help with it. You can't be his scold and his safe haven at the same time, can you? It would lead to anxiety and hurt the relationship. You want to deepen the relationship, so that he turns toward you and not away.

Best wishes. I hope this helps.

 

Hi! I understand how difficult this can be. I let my girlfriend know about my struggle with masturbation a while back. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, so, I cannot fault your husband for trying to avoid telling you. What you really need to figure out, at this point, is whether or not he is trying to/wants to find a way out of his addiction. If he does, please direct him right her to NoFap. No more loving a community exists on the internet, and if there's any group that can help him, for free mind you, it's this one.

I'd just like to point out, that as a Christian, the people in the Bible did not yet understand the concept of addiction to masturbation/pornography. The Bible says that looking at a woman lustfully is adultery, but in an addiction, moral fault is lessened because the freedom to perform an action is lessened. Does that make sense? PM me for a better explanation. Essentially though, getting mad at him may be one of the worst things you can do. Threatening divorce, anger, calling him out, it's all a stress trigger. Whatever causes him to turn to pornography as a release, one of the things is probably stress.

All I can say is that the only answer is probably the most difficult one. Love. It might be the last thing on your mind, but loving your husband could be the thing he needs to pull himself away from pornography. Your help and support in a concrete way (installing CovenantEyes on his devices or moving the computer to a public place), and your love for him can bring him to a point of accountability for his actions. If he's not comfortable with confiding in you for support (this can be difficult for guys, to confide in a female about this masculine issue), ask him to join NoFap to find an accountability partner or find a group in your church that would be willing to help out.

I hope this helps and I hope that you and your husband can be the shining light of Christ I know you are meant to be.

God Bless,
Jacob

 

Yes, porn and fornication ruined my parents' marriage, leaving me with only... Mary and God.

The woman tries to change the man and make his behaviour more acceptable, for his own benefit as well as her enjoyment of having the perfect husband. But love needs not make any changes, it simply accepts things the way they are.

If a man is addicted to porn and does not want to give it up, there is nothing anyone can do to stop him. I hate to scare you, but it is possible that he will remain addicted to masturbation for the rest of his life. However, the most powerful way to advocate chastity is to practice it to a high degree and enjoy its benefits. Then others will naturally follow suit.

If you do not even look at another man with lust in your eye or have any lustful thought of a man then I would say that you are doing all that is necessary to set a perfect example and to be the perfect wife.