Hurting

I have set up a lot of dates in the coming days and weeks to fill this hole in my soul. I need to meet people. I am crushing on a girl so all the dates are pretty meaningless. I just want to talk with people and make some friends. I am making them friend zone me on purpose.

It is hard to do Nofap and at the same time have a crush. It is an emotional roller coaster. I am not that socially calibrated right now because I have been ill for the last few years.

I am just getting back into it.

Had the most amazing date yesterday with a high quality woman. She suggested a restaurant and told me it was expensive there. I was ok with that. I was clearly under dressed while she was dressed like a superstar.

We talked a lot, got a lot of common interests, we where alone in the restaurant. It was nice and cozy. I only touched her once. I was prepared to split the bill but she had already paid it in full. That was an incredible gesture. She told me that I can pay next time.

She was a 10/10 so I dont know whats wrong with me. I cant get this other girl off my mind and I dont even know is she likes me. If the other girl was a 10 then the girl I am crushing on is also a 10. Slightly hotter but I love her personality more than her looks. I came on too strong and scared her away. She ghosted me for a week before she turned somewhat positive again.

I am keeping her as an option but I think maybe I am spending too much energy on a girl that doesn't share my emotions.