How to stop the desire for revenge

First of all, please be patient with my writing as I am not an English speaker!

I met my husband almost 16 years ago. We have 2 kids aged 13 and 9 and I have a 19 years old son from an earlier marriage. We got married 12 years ago.

Ever since we got our first kid, we have had more and more conflicts, I have been quite broken with anxiety attacks (just a few), 4 years with antidepressants, completely unsecure and lack of self-worth and I were aware that the relationship was very unhealthy, but I was not able to leave him. I have been trying so hard to solve all our problems, to do better, to listen to him, to find the right arguments for him to understand, but I never got anywhere.

3 months ago, I found that he had a secret mail account, he was on several dating sites and I found an email where he asked “Sandra” if it was possible to book half an hour of fun. Even though we had problems I was shocked. Confronted with my findings he admitted some things and within the following months the truth (or the truth he has told me) has been dragged out of him. Bit by bit, denial, lying and then admitting a bit more. He claims he has now told everything, but I am not sure I believe him. He has been deep into porn- and sex-addiction, especially the last 2 years. Here he went to prostitutes every time he went on a business trip – he claims he has never got anything else but a handjob, but how would I know.

He now receives treatment and goes to meetings, and even though I don`t trust him, I have to admit that it really seems he is doing great. I feel the changes and he is trying very hard to be a good husband and father.

I have tried so hard all of those years and now I know why I never succeeded with it. Now I see a chance for change, and I want so much to give it a try. I don`t want to leave him and we are fighting together.

But once or twice a week or so, I feel this desire for revenge, to be honest I want him to hurt like he has hurt me, I don`t want him to walk around being happy and proud of his progress. I want to shout all the worst and most hurtful and shaming things to his face (and sometimes I do it). But in fact, what I really want him to do, is to make it all undone…

I feel disgusted that he has been with prostitutes when he could have had everything with me. That he has been undressing them like he undresses me, felt their bodies and told them how he loved their giant tits and their beautiful skin like he tells me and he has been lying there with his face distorted in pleasure like when he is with me. I think of it every fucking day and it drives me crazy.

Just at this moment, he came to me advised me how to minimize the pc-screen in a quick maneuver to prevent that he sees what I am writing, just trying to help, and what I am thinking is how many times I have seen things disappear from his screen when I show up.

The porn, the masturbation, the ED drugs for his own experiments at hotels, the faking orgasm with me, to finish by himself, none of that is much of a problem for me when it comes to being supportive and forgiving. Nor if he has a slip in that category, I can live with that.

The texting girls at dating sites (he claims he has never met with any of them), searching for and writing to available prostitutes (so much more than the 12 times he claims he actually went to one) is more difficult. But most of all I don`t know if I will ever forgive him for, and are afraid I will never stop blaming him for being with prostitutes and for have done that while being married to me and having kids with me – first time more than 10 years ago. And for the fact that he has been lying to me about being with other girls when we met even though we talked about it back then and he said he didn`t. And lying to me about that he did have experience with prostitutes before we met, but always claimed that he didn`t even though it was never a problem for me what he did before, the problem is his lies.

We do have good days, but the bad days are digging the gab between us deeper and deeper, and if I don`t learn to manage all my feelings better we will not make it. I will end up pushing him to failure or pushing him away.

Anybody with advice? I want to be with this wonderful man I feel he is when he is not caught in addiction but I won`t stand a chance if I stay the way I am now…

I have read a lot, and listened to a lot of podcasts and youtube videos – really learned a lot. I have had a few sessions with his therapist, a few more for us as a couple and have had more sessions with my own therapist. I am really trying, but every time I succeed in letting it go, it won`t last long before I`m back again. Searching for answers, blaming, crying, shaming, wanting to leave him, want him to feel sorry for what he has done (and yes I do know he does, but my feelings don`t get it)

What the hell do I do to stop this hateful me? Even though I want to be with him, I want to leave him just to hurt him...

 

I try. But I am not doing very well.
I do heal too, just a little bit every time I see he is sorry. But then when things is better for a few days, he will tell me how beautiful and sexy he finds me, and I might just "flip" - because I believe that is what he told the prostitutes too. And the last couple of weeks he haven`t shown much empathy or remorse, just more "well I did this I know, get over it", I feel like he can`t stop allready, but deep inside I know that I am unfair too. I just feel angry, angry, angry for his betrayal.

 

I know you are right. I do get an momentary relief when I see he is hurt, but then I get sad and feel bad for having done that. Tonight I am more calm but I fear for how long.

 

Thank you for your kind words. And you are absolutely right. I would never talk to a friend like that.
I keep thinking about your last section; trying to find out what really is the source of my anger, and how to heal. I have to do some reflection about that..

 

Thanks for your story. I can`t quite relate to that, as I don`t think that is the kind of girls he has been with. But perhaps I am just being naive.
He went to brothels, not quite luxury, but above average. For example, he has not been to prostitutes in the US because it was too risky, both in terms of health and legality.
He only got hand jobs, and for several reasons:

• he likes hand jobs best,
• he was afraid he couldn't finish anything else and would be embarrassed,
• he didn't mean he cheated on me that much just getting a hand job, so he could feel better as a good man.

He is very vain, kind of a snob some times. Often he even paid for more than a hand job, as he would not be perceived as a customer who could only afford the cheapest service.
That's what he says, and maybe that's true. I'm not sure, but I'm not sure it isn`t either.
I told him to get tested and he was clean, so I believe I am too. In this topic I do believe him.

I have been reading and listening to SO MUCH, I feel like some kind of an expect. But I struggle a lot with how to live by what I have learned. And also, I read things and understand it, but then I wonder - what does it really mean i practice.
Today I have been in a much better place though. I am kind and friendly and talk to him, but I don`t really want him to touch me and I don`t want to have sex. He can hold me but not more. And that is hard for him to handle.

 

Is it kind to myself to stay?
Is it healthy?
I am not sure if there is love left or if it is just that I don’t want to face the consequences of leaving him.
I want so bad to be able to forgive, to stay together, be a family and finally enjoy the wonderful man he has been hiding for years.
Why did I stay for so many years in a bad relationship? I didn’t realize how bad it was. I really was the frog in boiling water.

For 2 days I have been calm now. I keep telling myself, I can’t control what he will do and I can’t change what he has done. I Can control only my own actions and how I react to what he has done. Like a mantra.
But don’t I let my self down if I stay?

I don’t want to be intimate with him right now. For a week now. I have been, a lot, for the last 3 months since d day. We had sex on average 1-2 times a week before, and after d day it has been 3-4 times a week, at least. I did convince my self that I wanted to, and I usually turn on easy so if I was not in the mood he could get me there Easily. But when completely honest to my self, I must admit that part of the reason we have had that much sex after I discovered his betrayal is, that I am afraid what happens if we don’t.
Now I just don’t want him that close and he is irritated, offended and angry. He blaim me: “I can’t pmo and you wont be with me, so what am I supposed to do with all my tensions and frustrations”
He accuses me of doing it to punnish him. I honestly don’t know if that is why, I just know that I don’t want to and I no longer feel obligated to keep up the good sexlife. Not at the moment anyway.
And I don’t Think it is to punish him. I just lost the desire due to his betrayal.

I am just so afraid that he will end up saying that he can’t wait for me to figure out my doubts. I need more strenghts.

 

I Think this is much the thoughts I have. Do I really want to live this relationship? He might do everything right, he might even do it forever. But I would never know if it is real, and what he has damaged will never ever go away.
Sometimes we talk, I cry and am devastated and he ask what he Can do to help me. But the only thing I really want from him is to make things undone.

 

I am so sorry that you have to live your life this way. Hope you have love and joy from your kids.
You know, my husband have been kind of obsessed with infidelity. And regularly he told me about "him or her" getting a divorce or having an affair, and EVERY time he would ask me: "Aren't you just glad you have such a good man" - I always laughed a bit, said yes I am, and gave him a kiss and a hug. Now it makes me sick...
I want a good and well-functioning life with him, otherwise I don't want him. I think I should have that in mind.

 

I have learned by now, that he will never feel the same pain as I do. I will not take revenge cause I do not believe it does any good. But like I can never trust him again he will never be able to trust me either, and if I meet someone that I would like to "take for a ride" then why shouldn´t I...
I hope you quit. What ever it takes, just quit...