How to start having sex again (if you're already in a relationship)

I recently came across the method known as "Sensate Focus".
It can be summaries as follows :


STAGE ONE : Stop all attempt to have sex. The idea is what stopping good sex (and in our case, "real" sex, free of porn influence) is fear, and therefor you have to reduce any tension and expectation by rewinding sexual intimacy to its very beginnings. It is also completely coherent with rebooting PMO, as it allows your brain to re-find the proper ways of love-making and sexual pleasure.

STAGE TWO : One night, focus wholeheartedly just on one thing : kissing. You can be as passionate as you like, but there should be nothing more. You can press against each other, but there's no nakedness allowed.
It's like being back at school making out, with all the accumulated excitement. Weirdly enough, not being allowed to have sex is pretty erotic.

STAGE THREE : On another night, you can go a bit beyond kissing, but not a whole lot more. It's like being back on an early date, you can touch bodies, but not genitals or breasts. That's for the next time, by which occasion you'd probably be getting pretty excited.

STAGE FOUR : Again, you can do lots of heaving petting and making out, but this time you can also go further, and pleasure and bring each other off. But, no more !

STAGE FIVE : At last, you're allowed penetration, but again, with about adolescent sex, only for a moment, and with no expectation of orgasm. You do that on a couple more evenings, and then, hopefully...

STAGE SIX : You can go all the way, and should be back to normal sex ! At the slightest hint of difficulty, just take it back a stage.



The speed in which you go from one step to another is up to you, and if you are being 100% honest with yourself, you know when you are to try and stay at the current stage and not rushing into the next.

I'm currently planning each stage with my wife, one stage every Sunday, in order to "reboot together", whilst trying my best not to relapse into PMO.
To help me with this, I'm establishing a guideline : if I ever PMO again, I will restart the "Sensate Focus Challenge" to its first step. That'll teach me !

I think it can be a great way to go forward. What to you think ? Has anyone already tried this ? I will keep you posted

 

Sorry, I'll add a warning. Thanks !

 

OK, I'm deleting the video link and I'm replacing it with a description, that way I won't be triggering anyone with it sexual content.

 

Yeah, I think it's a great and beautiful way to reconnect "properly" with her, while rebooting PMO.

 

Ok, so, in more than a month, my wife and I have completed a "sensate focus challenge".

It was hard, as you can imagine, but damn, does it feel good ! The "We've made it" part feels great, as it is a success, but the best part is actually the "updated" relationship, more real, more clean and special.

We tried to do something like "one week = one stage", and each Sunday we would go to the next stage (if the stage was done properly, otherwise we would stay at the current stage, or go back one stage).

It was hard for both of us, not to kiss at all in the beginning, not being allowed to touch each other, but now I realize that we had banalized body touch, like boob or ass grabbing, and so on. We objectified each other. But more truthfully : I objectified her.
Like "we are married, we love each other, I can touch her whenever I want, because I wouldn't mind her touching me all the time".

That is projection.

Projection is something we worked a lot on, recently.
Imagine this : she is cooking, I see her and want to please her, so I put myself behind her and kiss her on the neck (as I would have liked it).
But she feel tensed, and push me back, telling me "not now, I'm cooking". I instantly feel awful, rejected, hurt, and began to wonder if we are really meant for each other. (Yeah, I tend to not blow things out of proportion, that my thing...)

As in reality, I projected on her what I want her to do when I cook. I like to be "lovingly interrupted". She doesn't.
I have to take it into account.

What I'm trying to say is : there is no "lambda couple" : be aware of what you want and tell her. Ask her to thing about how she like to be loved, and write it down.
It might seems silly, but we actually made a list of "how I like to be loved", one side for me, the other for her, and every-time we want to please the other, we think about (or read) the list.

It's much more efficient.
It's all about efficiency : It's not about making "more effort" towards the other, it's about making the moves that really matter.

It helped me realize that I was resenting her for not doing as much effort as I did, but in reality, her was doing a lot of effort that I didn't see. And the same was right for me.
She thought cleaning the kitchen was a way to show me love. It's not. And she felt her effort was wasted.
Now I clean the kitchen more often, to show her my love.
It's an example, as we are adjusting to each other. It's not about me doing more chores, it's about doing those that matters to her.

We now write little loving notes all around the house. We both hate waking up to an empty apartment, when the other as left to work before we wake up. So we write little notes, and the day is transformed.

She knows I like "sexual attention", because it make me feel loved, not because I'm a pervert or a porn addict. She realized that recently. But more so : she understood that indulging me when I feel bad was wrong, as I promotes the vicious circle of "If I feel bad enough, I get a blowjob". Now, when I feel bad, she takes me into her arms, but no more. Now, she promotes another circle, the virtuous circle of "if he feels confident enough, and happy enough, I reward him with a blowjob".

It's seems pavlovian, and... it is ^_^ , but I can tell you it's working. But don't be jealous, it doesn't happen every week either ^_^
I'm just happy to see that I'm now out of the vicious circle of promoting my depression.

Working our way through the different stages, we learned a lot about ourselves, and now we feel again like in the beginning of our relationship. Ok, we are not making love all the time, like any beginning relationship, but we feel more connected, more loved. We feel that most of our effort towards the other is well received, and that every couple is unique. We have to continue to build our own, knowing how to love the other, and don't project our expectation upon the other.

She told me that she like our love-making more, now : she told me that, before we did this challenge, she felt like I was imitating some porn moves I saw, she felt like an surrogate for an actress I fantasized about. This hurt me deeply. But it was true. I can see it, now, however painful it is. It's not glorious, but I working with it. Now, she feels me, the real me, not a wannabe porn actor. It's great to feel celebrated. She feels more attracted to me, and it feels me with joy. :')


If you have any question, feel free to ask. I would answer it honestly.


Have a nice day ! I hope sharing this experience will help some of you along the way

 

Now this is something I'm looking for and could try, I think. My girlfriend and I are trying to have sex again. I'm nervous about it. I haven't had PMO in a week, but did MO yesterday and I'm nervous if I'll even stay hard. This may be something to incorporate.....!!!

 

Thank you for sharing, I have the same problem with my wife and will ask her to try this

 

This sounded great but I found one problem. You need, just as you describe, plan it with your girl.

IF you have not had sex in a long time it might feel strange. I would like to just get it happend. No thoughts of any mindblowing O, not afraid of it being a disaster, let it feel strange but just get it over with.

Like taking home a One night stand. No feelings, no strings attach nothing.

I think that would kick start it. Like "getting on the horse again"

 

Yeah, that needed to be said !! And by a women, it's even more powerful. Thank you for given your honest opinion here, it's inspiring !

 

Sorry Fred but that's the complete opposite of what I was trying to explain in this thread.
If you think that it "sounded great" but you found the problem, and the problem is... you have to... actually talk to your girl ???
Yep, that's complete misogynist bullshit. Women and men are equals. She's not a blowup doll. What you're describing sound a lot more like rape than a one night stand. And if you treat your one night stand as you would a sex doll, well, no wonder you'll only see them one night...

As DireMerl pointed it out :

You seem, like many man, greatly influenced by the misogynist world that we live in and by the sexual roles presented in the majority of porn. Your role is not to "take her", and her role is not to "receive you". It's an intimate and consented dance, not an acrobatic fuck performance were the man need to awaken the true sexual potential of a woman by essentially forcing her to be as he wishes her to be.