How to deal with automatic mode?

You have to remember that you are responsible for automatic mode. You are the one that allows it to turn on (and off), and so it is up to you to be mindful and make sure you do not just sit in automatic mode aimlessly.

 

the solution is to consciously force yourself to stay away from every possible trigger that leads to this, the auto mode never goes away, but if you try hard and avoid triggers it will become less frequent, at the beggining of my nofap journey i used to get the automode literally every single day , now it happens to me every once in a few weeks, as you said, you start by looking at pictures, well dont look at pictures this time, i hope you find that useful

 

I relate to this a lot, and I really struggle with the phenomenon myself. There's two big things I've found that help:
1) Shape your environment. That means how you organize your living space, your schedule, and the tools you keep around you to make it less likely or impossible to lose yourself.
2) Catch yourself before you go full auto. You can usually tell, at least I can, if I am starting to drift, if I go to a site to tune out, especially if I know I can "fish" for something even a little "stimulating". It becomes much easier to catch yourself if you did #1 correctly because you will have to notice yourself undoing your measures, or going to the place you know you shouldn't.

It's really important to make that space, because once you start to slip, it just gets harder and harder for you to make a good choice. (not impossible, but if you were a betting man, you'd not take the gamble). Once you can, then it is like exercising a muscle. You're not so great at first, but if you can find a weight that you can lift, you can become stronger later.

 

I was entering automatic mode because I was distracting myself from emotion/pain, distracting myself from whatever reason I was using porn in the first place. I have gone from distracting myself to feeling my pain, it's been just over 6 months now and I cried daily for 6 months, I didn't understand what I was feeling but went with it. I feel like I have just come out of a 6 month heavy depression and still have a long way to go but I definitely don't want to watch porn ever again as it means I'll have to go through all this again! Hopefully I will find my way and you will too

 

Sure, I'll do my best to describe it. Forgive the length, it ended up being a long post. Its just that I am laying out some of the systems I’ve naturally figured out over time, but never really put to words. I hope that it makes sense and that you find it useful.

For all of these, remember your overall goal is to make it so your whole life situation lets your focus flow where you want it to, or at worst, where you are ok with it going. All of them are going to need you to personalize them to your specific situation; your housemates, responsibilities, and your aspirations can all affect how exactly you go about these principles.



Living space:

You want to first and foremost set up your room so that it isn't a place that you wind down into a trance that leads to PMO. The biggest part of that is to take your PC out of there. Another part of that is to make a habit: Before you go into your room, put your phone away somewhere outside. This is so that as you relax, you are not surrounded by access. Secondarily to this, make your room a clean and nice place to wind down for the day, and get ready in the morning. Have things organized so that you have a place to do your wind down hobby or other activity before bed, as well as easy to do your daily routine. Outside of your room, I feel that generally I feel better and do better when I keep the house clean, and have things organized and optimized for my routine.



Schedule: For this, you want to figure out how you can set up and organize your day so that you take care of responsibilities(musts), the things that will progress your life(shoulds) and make sure to make time to do things you want, so you don’t just feel like a robot(wants). When you are organizing those into your schedule, you must consider how you can limit your temptation and/or opportunity to relapse. What this looks like will depend on your own situation, but for example, say you relapse in the mornings a lot. Maybe you need to prepare the night before so that it is as easy as possible to get out of the door. Maybe you need to go for a run in the morning to get your head right. Maybe you are fuzzy in the morning, and you just need to get up, make a hot drink and give yourself time for your mind to start moving. You are a unique person, so you will have to figure out how best to sort out and approach each part of your schedule.

After you have that general idea, it’s just a matter of trial and error. Take a look at what you have to do(musts) and think of the best way that you can do that, then with the space and time leftover in your day, find a balance between doing the things that will make your life better(shoulds), and the things that you enjoy and make life feel worthwhile(wants). It doesn’t happen all at once, just make a plan, try it out, and then think about things you can adjust to make it better. Pay extra attention to things that relate to your sobriety. If certain times of day you find yourself thinking about using porn, figure out what you could do in that time that would be incompatible(working in public, doing a hobby, talking to other people, going on a walk). Make sure to limit access to porn at the appropriate times as well.

Along that line of thinking, having some flexibility in your schedule can help. In my case, when I was at home for school work I was relapsing a lot, so I started to make sure that I am able and willing to go to a coffee shop or my university to do the work in a public space. Over time I've really started to like working in public spaces, so I am at one or the other often. It can also be something else, like planning to take a walk later, maybe for your sake, maybe for your pet dogs(if relevant), but doing it sooner to help an urge pass.



Tools: This one has a physical and personal component. The physical is obviously your phone and your computer. The personal is just methods you learn to handle different mental and emotional state you find yourself in. I’ll go over each:



Phone:

For the phone, the best option for recovery is a dumb phone, hands down. The LightPhone even has GPS and mp3 player(which can be a big thing to give up for some). It's not viable for everyone though, because of their career usually, and if you can't do that, then you need to figure out how to set it up for your recovery, that is to say: Your phone should be a tool, not a pleasure device. I'm sure you've seen many people post about how to block everything. I personally don't have blocks on my phone, but that's because it's not my major source of relapses. I, however, have it set up very minimally. No games, no social media, my home screen has only the tools that I use on the daily basis for my work. I even have my background black so that it isn't stimulating to use it. You do not want to get dopamine from it, but have it as a just a simple tool for the things that you do need.



Computer:

For the computer, I’m going to paste from different post of mine, it describes my filter set up well though:

What I've switched to doing is having a bunch of different blocks(on cold turkey), that I am completely able to turn off if I choose to. I make it slightly inconvenient(they have the random phrases of a certain length, or I put the password somewhere and make it a phrase that is intended to remind me the cost of choosing to relapse). The idea is to create distance from myself and porn or even just time wasters, but not block them; that way it is a conscious choice to not abuse the privilege. I am not putting myself in a bubble that I will relapse the second I am out but am instead building my resolve and will.

I have different ones filters based on what type I need, such as general filters that almost never come off, or one to block all search engines, or one to block video sites, or one that blocks all the sites I waste time on, etc. That way I will intentionally turn some off when I am choosing to. I can set one to 15 minutes if I just need to focus for a while, or I will set one for 10 hours if I feel myself slipping and just need to go to bed. It took me a while to come to this system, but it has felt the most organic and useful of any blocks that I've used in the past.

Personal Tools:
These are just methods that you learn over time to deal with the various mental and emotional states you find yourself in. Do you know what to do when you’re really triggered by someone you see? Maybe that sort of trigger is different from the feeling you have when you have that craving from just sitting on your computer or phone. Do you have a plan for that? What about when you are just feeling tired, but still need to work? Or are angry, or sad, etc.

There are all sorts of things that affect us in our recovery, and the better you learn to deal with those things, the less and less chance you will give yourself to have them turn into a relapse. These can really be anything, a lot of people use cold showers, meditation, prayer, calling a friend, doing a hobby. To give you an idea, the one’s that I have been using lately is prayer at the end of the day, and in the mornings, journaling also at those times, stepping away from what is affecting me and taking deep breaths, working in public spaces. In the past I’ve used meditation, going on walks, stretches/exercise. What I do doesn’t matter so much, you just have to figure out how to handle yourself. No one can know yourself as well as you do, but that doesn't mean you don’t have more to learn. Learn to be your own friend, at least that’s how I see it.

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Ok, that’s everything. Again, I hope that this was helpful. If I was one thing I would add, it’s just pay attention to your own thoughts and actions. When you relapse, think about it. Think about what you were doing before, what you were thinking leading up, where you were and why. Could you shape your environment so that you were less likely to just slip into doing what you know you shouldn’t? If so, then just take the time and effort to reorganize your life a little bit. If you keep making small adjustments to make thing better, in the long run, your will start to see the difference.

 

Those are great boundaries! And doing a relapse report helps a lot to process on paper or digital what led up to it.

Some others that I have placed to help me interrupt automatic is making it inconvenient to pmo. There's no easy physical things nearby to assist, I raise as many filters, blocks and passwords that I can to hopefully get me to think about what I'm doing. I also have tracking software to alert my friends when I do something questionable.

A big thing for me was finding those wind down times. That's normally in the morning. Sometimes, if I've had a high-stress work day or need quiet time, I'll drive with no radio to my destination.

Some other simple boundaries: keep my pants on when at home, walk around every so often.