How porn affected my last three relationships

This is more a reaching out for answers and responses from individuals who have experienced the same thing. I've looked over a number of posts and I can't quite find anything relating directly to this but I'm sure such posts do exist. Here's my story:

I discovered masturbation when I was about 9/10 while lying in bed one night. From then on I was addicted to it. I'd wack off several times a day, even injuring myself at one point. The number varied over the years but I never went more than a few days without masturbating at least once. When I was about 14 I had my introduction to porn. A friend of mine's brother gave us a video that we all proceeded to sit around and watch. That marked my introduction and eventual addiction to video porn. I got my first 3gp access cell phone not long after that and that's when things became serious because I realised how easy it was to gain access to naked women and sordid acts all without ever leaving Google. My interests progressed over several years from typical porn (white, black, asian, latina) to bbw, bdsm and eventually transwomen. I'm 26 now.

3 relationships ago I was completely in love. Yes, I'd had reservations about her trustworthiness but those didn't take away from the fact that I loved her unconditionally and that she was the only woman I was interested in. Not long after our first anniversary I started having extreme bouts of depression brought on by me starting to question my sexual orientation. I remembered once inquiring about my sexual orientation in a conversation with a family member but that was when I was 15 and it never came up again. Now, at age 20, I was so dumbstruck by these scary feelings that I even felt a little suicidal. I went online immediately and found loads of explanations for why I was feeling that way. One of the explanations spoke of PA and how it might not be harmless after all. I abstained from porn for a short while but eventually moved back to scouring the net for visual stimuli, forgetting about the warnings I'd come across.
Fast track to a few months before that relationship ended; I had my first ED episode. That was some scary stuff! When I couldn't get it up I thought of all the reasons for it (even the penile hanging I'd done the night before) and my porn addiction jumped out at me (after I'd calmed down from my fear of again questioning my sexual orientation). We eventually broke up for reasons not relating to any of this. She didn't even know what I was dealing with until after the fact.

2 relationships ago I wasn't in love but I quite liked her. We should perhaps not have made it official but we did and so I was intent on seeing it through, for a few months anyway. It just felt wrong the entire time. I couldn't stop wondering about other girls. I'd even look forward to leaving her place so I could go home and look at porn. Eventually I had to end the relationship because the physical attraction had disappeared completely. I still did not want to make the connection between my porn consumption and my failed attempts at making real-life connections last.

My last relationship (which ended not too long ago) was the most traumatic sequence of events. I won't go into a whole explanation of it but I will say that there was no more denying the effect my PA was having on my life. She is just the most incredible person with a heart the size of Andromeda and an educated mind that firmly believes in the rewiring of the brain for dealing with psychological issues (my soul mate, quite honestly). I looked at porn throughout our relationship and she knew about it. She didn't see anything wrong with it until I started to become aloof like I had in my previous relationship. It hurt me like crazy to now have to start dealing with fears that I might not really love her when I loved her more than I'd loved anyone in years. I now had to explain to her what I was going through and the only way I was going to do that without sounding like a punk trying to take the easy way out of the relationship was to do my research and come back to her with a plan. I guess I'd forgotten the extent of the damage PA can bring about because I was surprised once again to find all the literature pointing to my PA causing my relationships to fail. I had to struggle so hard not to give in entirely and allow us to go our separate ways. Even with my mind being clouded by imaginations of what a really hot girl in the queue in front of me might look like naked (because of the unlimited access to millions of naked women on my phone) I had to make up my mind which was more important to me. In that moment it was a really easy decision to make: she, my girlfriend, was. But I also realised that it is going to be a long road to recovery and that if I stay with her I might just risk losing the best friend I've had in years purely because my neural circuitry is really jumbled right now. I was open with her about it and we've agreed to be friends. My aim is to get away from my PA and I've started that process by eliminating PMO entirely. It's only been 5 days now but I'm going strong. I refuse to relapse. This is no longer just about cheap thrills in my bathroom or under the covers at night; this is about my psychological well-being for the rest of my life and for the amazing people I've let slip by because of my fixation on unrealistic imaginations - so the heartache was not in vain.

Does this sound like anyone else's story out there? Does it get better? Will I eventually be able to be in a relationship without having my interests unjustly wane? I need to get out from under the P spotlight before virtual reality becomes a big thing and I'd venture to say this is a major concern for other members on the site too.

 

Wow. I just stumbled onto this post. I hadn't even remembered posting to NoFap. It's taken me a long time to get to the point at which I currently am. I've learned such hard lessons but they've all been instrumental in my growth. The two individuals who left comments, I want to say thank you. Your words are more meaningful now than I can imagine they were when I first read them.

 

I definitely feel I am. Even after making this post almost 3 years ago, I still continued my use of porn. But I started to gain an informed understanding of why I had taken the steps to sign up to NoFap when I did. I had seen my use of porn decrease incrementally to the point where I didn't need it in the way I did before. Now, my agreement with myself is that it is far more important that I give love to myself (by attuning to my higher self, the best version of myself I choose to be) and to all others, and the best way to do that is to step into a way of being that is devoid of these detrimental behaviours. I feel I am better, and that state of being better than I was before is one where there is no roof or upper limit. I can always do or be better simply because I choose to be. That's quite empowering.

 

I am doing well, my brother. Embracing the journey and welcoming each obstacle as warmly as I do each fellow traveller. Both have profound lessons to teach me. I am truly thankful for this website and its forums. In the past, I didn't utilise its functions because I didn't understand how useful it could be. Now, I see that whenever I am feeling down or even when I am feeling upbeat, I can come here and share insights with others. It's enlightening to see and hear from so many who are sharing the struggles but who recognise how important it is to their overall wellbeing that they take back the control they had given over to their porn addictions. You're absolutely right about being in the right place.