How many days until this works??

WifeInTheDark · Feb 12, 2016

Okay, I'm a looking at this thing which talks about the chemical process that is supposed to happen when you look at or interact with someone you love. So many addicts here go on and on about how they are addicted to PMO but still love their wife or girlfriend. But how much of what they claim to feel as 'love' is really there if their dopamine levels are all jacked up. Are they really feeling love? Look at this and tell me what you think.

Also, how many days of Nofap are needed to reset the dopamine levels to the extent that these chemicals start to flow normally???

https://www.upworthy.com/super-interesting-scientific-facts-about-being-in-love?c=ie

http://www.upworthy.com/find-out-what-happens-to-your-body-when-you-see-someone-you-love-and-more

The Eleven · Feb 12, 2016

The science around your first question is new to me, so I don't really know what to say about it. But it seems to be saying that there really isn't any such thing as love; that really, the feeling of being in love is a chemical reaction in the brain that is very similar to chemical reactions that can be caused by other things, like drugs and masturbation. So, the fact that a person is flooding their brain with dopamine by means of masturbation (or drugs, for that matter) shouldn't really affect whether that person also gets a dopamine hit from being around a person they love. Perhaps that person doesn't need as much dopamine from being around a person they love if they are getting the dopamine through other means, and that might explain why so many of us with PMO problems end up in relationship problems -- we become less connected with our partners, more distant, less loving, less intimate. Yes, there are other explanations for these behaviors besides not needing intimacy to drive dopamine - shame, secrecy, etc. -- but having easy access to dopamine from other sources seems like a likely suspect. But if that's true, then maybe those of us who are soaking our brains in dopamine through other means and STILL love our partners are even MORE in love than those who get all/most of their dopamine from that loving feeling. You see what I mean?

Your second question is much easier to answer: Most agree that brain chemistry restores to normal in around 90 days without PMO.

WifeInTheDark · Feb 13, 2016

Here's what I'm thinking:

In a 'normal', healthy relationship, just looking at, thinking about, or being with the person you love creates a hormone wave of dopamine and oxytocin....those chemicals that reinforce happiness and connection. And yes, I DO believe love is real. It isn't JUST a mix of brain chemicals. But that being said, When both people are feeling things and having intimacy with each other, they get all these lovey dovey hormone releases that make them a stronger couple.

When someone REPLACES the source of their dopamine fix with porn......then They stop getting oxytocin (no more pair bonding, people) and ONLY get that dopamine fix....plus its such a higher high of dopamine than they'd be getting from being with their real life person, .....who needs the real life person anymore?

If a person is PMO-ing, they are incapable of feeling any real bond with their human of choice. Unless maybe they still really like cuddling and are getting their oxytocin from that.

( .....Which reminds me of how annoyed I would get when my emotionally distant, fapping his brains out husband would insist on cuddling with me. He would get his bonding hormone and I would get angry. It felt like just more taking without giving. No emotions yet the benefits of a close relationship aka cuddling. I only want to cuddle with someone I already feel intimate with.

Maybe I'm the only woman here who feels that way about cuddling. I don't know. I was raised in a family that didn't touch. So cuddling to me means that you're already close....and maybe sex is on the table. I have a hard time differentiating between 'I just want to be close to you' touching and 'hey baby lets fool around' touching. It ALL feels like it should lead to sex and it's super frustrating when it doesn't.)

Since husband has stopped PMO, we cuddle more. I feel closer to him emotionally and I actually enjoy the sexless cuddling. But since he's still mostly in the flatline phase, it's often still pretty frustrating. He holds all the cards when it comes to me getting MY dopamine fix in the relationship. I am really looking forward to a time when that has evolved and changed.

Bottom line - I still think that it isn't possible to truly love your SO when being with them is not your real source of dopamine.

Redominion · Feb 13, 2016

Which reminds me of how annoyed I would get when my emotionally distant, fapping his brains out husband would insist on cuddling with me. He would get his bonding hormone and I would get angry. It felt like just more taking without giving. No emotions yet the benefits of a close relationship aka cuddling. I only want to cuddle with someone I already feel intimate with.
Click to expand...

Thanks for this perspective. I hadn't considered this angle before; getting the bonding fix without the emotional commitment.
As for the brain chemicals part: being in love causes us to produce the hormones, not the other way round. After the initial infatuation, one has to choose to love, that is, to live one's life for another. Obviously someone who is getting his dopamine from PMO is impaired from fully making that choice.

DireMerl · Feb 13, 2016

I also struggle with cuddling that doesn't lead up to sex. That's something I've improved on over time though. I find that a lot of my feelings came from not believing that someone could love me if I wasn't having sex. I felt like it was the only thing I had to offer. I'm learning that that isn't the case but I still struggle with it sometimes.

I agree with you about the love part. They're getting their intimate needs met elsewhere while we struggle in with nothing feeling rejected and unloved. I don't suppose a lot of men realise that. We need intimacy too. Even women who aren't that into sex still need bonding. If the man is getting his artificially then it puts a huge barrier between you.

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How many days until this works??

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