How do you deal?

I hear you Sassy. I am an SO as well. My partner is doing well right now. He has been clean for over 45 days and he is being honest and transparent (I believe). Buuut that being said, I still feel beside myself with the hurt and anger. I wonder many times a day whether I can or will or even want to get over this betrayal. The hurt and disappointment I feel runs so deep. It has skewed completely the perception I had of who I thought he, and we, were. I have lost respect for him and feel so disrespected myself. I am angry when I think back to this time last year when i think about his moods and obvious generalized dissatisfaction that was brought on by the fact that he decided to invest so much of his energy and his sexuality into a completely fake fantasy world. If we didn't have kids and so much history together, I do think I would leave. At least for awhile, to really sort out my feelings.....

 

But then again, loving yourself and staying with him isn't necessarily a contradiction.

You sound stronger than some other women here who think they are responsible for the recovery of their partner in any way, as if they could have any significant influence at all. Your attitude sounds quite healthy to me. Your anger is justified.

What does

mean? Is he abstaining, is he "trying to abstain" (but failing) or is he continuing?

 

You alone can't fix his PMO addiction. He has to want to fix it and rewire his brain. It sounds like he doesn't think he has a problem. If that is the case, then nothing will change with him and the two of you will continue on the way you currently describe how things are going. Unfortunately, if this is the case you will have to make a decision if you want to stay with him. Until he realizes he has a problem, things won't change for you or him. You do need to take care of yourself first, otherwise, you may start to think things are wrong with you rather than him. If you decide to leave him, tell him exactly why you are leaving. Make sure to tell him that you are not going to stay with him due to his PMO addiction. This is tough, especially since you love him. I will be honest with you, my wife and I have been married for over 12 years now. I have had my PMO addiction longer than that. My wife should have left me years ago, and I wish I would have told her to run, and to run as fast as she could from me.

During our marriage she started to think that something was wrong with her due to me not communicating with her and lying and such. I am sorry to say that this will most likely happen with you, even though you already know about his PMO addiction. So unless he admits to it and wants to change, I say run and run as fast as you can.

I really wish I had a better message for you. Although, you never know, maybe if you decide to tell him he will figure it out and decide that he has a problem after all. I absolutely wish you the best of luck. Maybe you can share some of the info that is on yourbrainonporn.org with him. Again, good luck and we are here to help support you.

Stay strong!

 

If I knew how broken this addiction made me I never would have gotten married in the first place. And if something happened to my wife I probably won't ever get married again because I don't want to hurt anyone again with my dysfunction. My wife never would have married me if she knew I had an addiction. I didn't even know how serious my problem was until much later in life.

Addiction is a ticking time bomb that can destroy a relationship. If left untreated then it will eventually destroy the relationship - guaranteed. If someone is in recovery then that's a different story. But an untreated addict is living in a fantasy world where logic and reason don't exist. To an addict you are somehow a problem or a barrier between him and happiness. You might be in love with him but he is NOT in love with you. Sometimes he might feel something that feels like love but it is fleeting and momentary. It is something he feels between his 'acting out episodes'.

Think about these questions: Do you want to be with someone who loves you less that you love him? Do you want to be with someone who loves porn more than he loves you? Would you allow him to have a mistress because porn addiction is like having a third person in the relationship? Would you continue to have a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict and be satisfied with the few hours they aren't drunk or high? Are you willing to accept his behavior when he escalates into something more serious? Are you willing to stand by him if he gets arrested for solicitation or child porn? Instead of a relationship between two equals are you willing to have parent/child or addict/co-addict relationship with him? Are you willing to be seen as a object instead of a person?

Don't willingly shackle yourself to this person. I'm sure there are other men out there who can appreciate you for who you are and don't have the baggage this guy has.

 

You are very correct. Hindsight is 20/20. Sorry that you had already been down that rabbit hole. I do commend you for recognizing your feelings about yourself and that you started to fix yourself. That is no easy task. We are here for you. Stay strong!

I hope he realizes soon the mess that he has caused and turns himself around.

 

Girl, if you don't have kids....LEAVE!!! I want to think there are REAL man out there....maybe very few but I want to believe there are go and find one. If not, it is better alone. get yourself some girlfriends. I have been married for 14 years and have three kids and it is so damn hard!!!

 

Life is too short to stay with someone with no desire to help their self.

 

You can not change him if he doesn't truly want to change...you can put all the boundaires in the world but if he doesn't want to commit it is useless...believe me!!