How do you cope with little or no sex?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by melonka, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Hey, this subject may trigger someone, don't know.
    How do you cope, if you don't get enough sex or sex of low quality? And I'm interested both in cases of you know and don't know why your partner is not in the mood. During reboot and during addiction. I want to find out what is healthy way to react cause I realized I don't really know.
    For me for the addiction time - I knew the whole time he watches p, not always the extension of it and it took me time to realise he prefers it over me. I thought first it was the difference between low and high libido.
    So often I was left out and missing him and m to the feelings of sex with him. But it doesn't satisfy me, not as sex. The most part was sex of low quality - I felt he doesn't really want it, often he admitted he does it only for me and didn't o himself. A lot of just fingering me out of pity or mercy.
    Often I felt disgusted cause I knew he watched p and didn't want to be touched at all but after some time I starved so much I didn't care and I didn't care that he is not really interested. Bad sex or m with him was better than m alone. But I often felt horrible that I kind of force him. And well... For me o, is not the same as satisfaction from sex. It gives joy and kind of makes it bearable but gives maybe 20-30% of satisfaction from real sex. We had it sometimes also when he abstained from p for 1-2 days. But sometimes even if he o, it didn't felt he really wanted it. He used to take zinc, as it makes you produce more sperm so it would be enough for p and for me as I told him I also want him to o with me.
    He always said that it gives him joy to see me o and doesn't mind to 'do his duty'. He clearly couldn't see the difference even though I told him how it feels but again, something is better than nothing, right?

    Now he decided to quit. He has a big flatline. For few weeks he said he just doesn't want to do anything. At some point we had sex out of pity. Than few weeks later again and after maybe a week he wanted me. And said that flatline goes slowly away. After a week we cuddled and he wasn't really into but wasn't really against it and it was again out of pity and he o.
    And than happened something that surprised both of us. I know he didn't relapse. But he had symptoms as he would. His mood swings down and he want just sit there alone and watch yt or play games. And he smells sour. I know it is abstract for most of people but I smell him different after sex and after p. And he smelled like something in between now and his mood went down and was irritable. And he said it was for the first time he felt kind of raped. He is not angry, cause it surprised him more.
    And now I'm feeling guilty and I don't really know how to cope with my high libido especially when I'm not disgusted anymore for him and our relationship improved and I want him much more...
    And I realized how unhealthy it is... That I kind of used him and objective him.
    And well, I think most people can't really have sex with or without emotions without feeling bad about it. I can. I was always striving for sex with love, but when it wasn't there, sex without love was also ok. He had way more sex without love and can't or couldn't see the difference.
    We started our relationship as one night stand and for some time it was only sex based relationship which evolved to love and we are 5 years together now.
    Am I part of the problem? I have never watched porn too much, I tried few times, I tried also to watch with him but it never felt right for me. I've never had bf before him but had sex few times. I don't think obsessive about sex and really seldom when we have it 1-2 times a week and also don't m than. But when it's not there... It strikes. Someone said if the relationship has good sex life, than sex is 5% of it. But when it's bad, than sex is 95% of it.
    So my question is, what do you do if you want sex but can't get it? Do you also have sex out of pity?
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2019
  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I'm in a similar situation, but I'm the P user.

    I'm not getting sex out of pity, but out of duty....yes. No desire, no libido, and the sex isn't great. And this is a big improvement!

    Flatline is tough but he should come out of that eventually. I guess I have never understood why someone can't just have sex for the partner. I get that it won't be 100% like if there was mutual desire, but better that pity sex, better than duty sex. Maybe this is a porn idea? The porn actor does fake sex well, why can't our partners do half as well?

    The best advice I can give is normally what I would advise to the porn user. You have to take control of your urges and your needs. Tell your partner what you need but it you can't get that, you are still in control. That might mean you have to leave, because you can't or don't want to live like this, but that's ok. Communication is good, honesty is good. And, sometimes the sex might never get to great.....I know I am unsure if my sex will every get great again.

    I also know that I'm ok with bad sex and not ok with no sex, but you need to know what you are like, what you will accept or not accept and how long you will be patient to try and get what you want.

    It's not easy, good luck.
     
  3. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I don't see difference between pity and duty sex I used it as synonyms.
    Until that flatline he didn't have problems with duty/pity sex. And no, it's not from p, it is just doing job not especially enjoying. And I guess I am kind of lucky for so of pa, cause we've never had communication problems and he never lied. Sometimes didn't want to admit exactly and it was tough to hear his truth, cause I got to hear after asking, can you wait for sex two hours till I come back from sport and I really want you? answers like - no, it's weekend and I want to just sit there and m, and I love you but I like novelty and they are designed to be more beautiful than you and they are. I can get you off later though.

    But it's better, his mindset is much better now but now it's worse with sex cause of flatline and we really hope it will be better. I mean, he didn't have serious phisical problems, and always after abstaining for 1-2 days we could enjoy good sex. And his p taste was quite vanilla and actually I think most of his kinks are kind of cute or just funny (like blue hair), nothing that is really repulsive in itself.

    Thank you for your response
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
  4. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    @melonka hey! I feel for you, but you shouldn’t force him to have sex especially when he is doing a reboot. Also, You’ve gotta do the reboot with him. You should definitely not be Ming if he doesn’t give you sex, as that is really bad for you.

    Sorry but you should not do sexual activity if he isn’t either. Wait until he wants it, and try down sex, which is much less harmful for both of you

    Down sex
    https://drlwilson.com/Articles/DOWN SEX.htm
     
  5. So her SO is a PA
    As such she should not want sex until he does and not M as its bad for her.

    1. Who died and made you an expert on whats in HER or his mind.

    2. Reboot is possible with sex

    3. Its for them to decide how they handle this, I believe she was asking how do we, the other folks here , cope with poor or no sex.

    My exp
    I felt I was bothering my wife as I initiatied and as my poor communication and detachment got worse so did her libido and pain and self image. I turmed to P and M and made ot that much worse so my answer is about as useful as a butter knife in a naval battle.

    Sex in my opinion can be good even if its bad but both parties have to be in the right mind frame and thats hard. Decide how you both want to move forward and keep trying. Yes hardmode will bring rhe quickest results....but for him only...connection and intimacy is just as important for her to recover as no P and M for him. Different hurts, different paths, different feelings SAME DESTINATION
     
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  6. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    that’s what i said. i said it’s best not to engage in sexual activity until he wants it and i said not to M.
    That is true. But if the guy is a PA, a reboot for a time without sex is better

    i never said i was an expert. i read her entire post and it seemed she felt bad for forcing her partner to have sex when he didn’t really want it (he just did it out of pity). She definitely shouldn’t be forcing him if he doesn’t want it

    If he’s not gonna be sexually active, then she shouldn’t either don’t you think, that’s what i meant when i said she should reboot too, as in do a reboot with him. They should both want sex, as it’s a turn off if your partner doesn’t really enjoy it.



    please read the article on down sex for you and your SO as well. Down sex is kinda like karezza.
    Okay... and i’m giving her advice on how to handle this. she can decide whether or not to apply my advice. She mentioned that she would M when she felt alone and her bf wouldn’t have sex with her.

    I’m advising against that
     

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