How do you apologize?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by JerichoButler, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut

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    I voyeured a very close friend of mine about 22 years ago. I wasn't until recently that I figured out that I might have got caught, because we haven't really spoken since then, and she has me completely blocked on Facebook. My sex addiction has improved since then, but as I write this I realize that it is not over and I have more work to do. However, I am plagued by guilt almost daily about this incident, and it makes me feel horrendous, especially since she is an old family friend and I still see her and her husband at funerals, etc. Any advice on how to approach this after such a long time?
     
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  2. Vandermeer

    Vandermeer Fapstronaut

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    No nothing, except to avoid her too. If she really blocked you because of that incident, it´s obvious, she has no interest in any apologizes or any contact again.
    What would you expect? "oh yeah, I see you feel guilty and bad about this now, so okay, i recognize your trials being sorry for it..." Broken trust in a relationship is a damage nearly irreparable in my opinion. Maybe, if it was just a misunderstanding or an unintended accident or the first time not keeping a secret. But only maybe.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  3. AC9B

    AC9B Fapstronaut

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    I don’t entirely agree with this - but it’s not easy to create trust again. It does take work, but it’s not irreparable!

    If apologising to her would be difficult practically, take solace in the fact that you have made huge strides with your addiction. You’re not the person then that you are now. You have remorse and that’s a good thing, because it means you have a moral compass.

    Good luck on your journey.
     
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  4. SportsFanatic

    SportsFanatic Fapstronaut

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    Sorry dude. Maybe give her time to cool down first and then you can go and apologize? That's the only advice I know and can give for this situation.
     
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  5. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I would agree with that.
    You recognise the voyeurism as being an incident from the past, - but she has had 22 years to build a world of beliefs around it, which might not exactly align with your own.
    Sometimes it is better to just leave things where they are.

    The alternative might upset you both even more.
     
  6. Sonstige

    Sonstige New Fapstronaut

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    Hi man
    yeah, don't talk to her at a funeral. If you really want to reach her, show other people that you are working on your ergs. You can't make this undone but a simple sorry in the right moment might be a start.

    And I'm new to this, how are you working on your sex addiction?
     
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  7. OnceAfraidToMerge

    OnceAfraidToMerge Fapstronaut

    Hear, hear!

    We inevitably screw up and hurt people during our lives. People that we hurt are learning experiences; guilt is the lesson we learn; and in the end, it's easier to craft a masterpiece from a blank canvas than trying to fix a disaster.

    Move on and focus on yourself and the people actually in your life now.
     
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  8. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Hi,
    first of all: be welcome on the forums!
    Thanks for sharing your concernings.

    Guilt can be a very important factor reason to take some action.
    It can be very helpful if you can speak out your mind, that you feel sorry for what you did.
    No single person in the world can have something against that! Saying sorry is always a good thing.
    For sure, it will do enormous good to yourself in the first place, apart from her reaction.
    Maybe she will reject, laugh out, judge you, but I'm sure you will get rid of the guilt and constantly thinking of that issue.
    So don't expect the relationship will be reconciled, but... you never know.

    It can be wise to talk with somebody in real life about this issue. I know from experience that these steps can be really hard.
    I've made this sort of steps myself, and I feel better every time I took such a step.
    Not all these relationships are reconciled, but I've got some peace in my head :)

    How I took these steps?
    I took the phone.
    I send postcards or emails.
    For one relationship I found out the linkedin username, asked to be linked and wrote of my chest.
    Do what's possible for you.

    Oh and don't let somebody else do it for you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
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  9. ak47_uk

    ak47_uk Fapstronaut

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    Best to stay away as you may want to do the same thing again. Better to keep the triggers away.
     
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  10. Bin Rakan

    Bin Rakan Fapstronaut

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    Do not apologize. take responsibility for your actions and move on.
     
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  11. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    We must make direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others.

    Sometimes it’s best to not do anythin directly to them. If it will harm them more or cause them to re-feel something.

    An apology does little if don’t change our actions and continue to act out and repeat similar actions. Amends aren’t meant to be done for us to feel better, it is to make right out wrongs.

    IMO the best initial amends is to live differently and completely conquer your sex addiction. This will be the first step of amends. Once you completely are free of sex addiction, then you can start to revisit if, when and how to make a direct amends.

    Or at least this is the type of advice that been given to me about amends.
     
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  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I concur.
    I was going to quote Steps 8 & 9, but @xXPharaohXx beat me to it. Here's the thing. You don't even know for sure that she knows. She just may have a judgement for you, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you voyeuring her. You don't know if you were caught or not. I would advise you not to say anything to her unless you know with 100% certainty that she knows. And the reason is, if you disclose this to her, and she didn't know, It will plague her with all kinds of security issues of her own. It is not a burden you want to place onto her. She doesn't deserve it and some things are just better left unsaid because of it. Accept what you did, you are paying the price for having done it, and move on. If she approaches you with it, then address it head on and make the amends. Think it through, how you're going to respond to it, and execute it if/when it happens. But don't open up Pandora's box if Pandora's box hasn't yet been opened before.
     
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  13. You have felt almost daily guilt over this for 22 years? Can you indicate the degree of seriousness of this incident that has haunted you for over twenty years. Did you happen to see her change her blouse for example. Or did you watch her for some time engaging in some sexual act (either solo or partnered). I am not after the details, just an indication of the type of voyeurism you engaged in Jericho. Was it opportunistic or pathological? Then we can advise with greater specificity. :)
     
  14. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you... very balanced answer...
     
  15. JerichoButler

    JerichoButler New Fapstronaut

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    Bathroom, pre-mediated, so I would say pathological. She was weirdly friendly at the funeral, but I think it was just for show. I am worried about seeing her again... our parents are elderly, and our families are old friends.
     
  16. As it was pathological, I guess the best outcome is to recover from this addiction. Then you can apologise and explain you are a very different person than you were 20 years ago. On the other hand, she may not have "caught you" and would not know what you are talking about.
     
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Again, contrary to any advice you get on this. DO NOT DISCLOSE to her anything until/unless you know for certain she already knows about it. If you do, it will, for lack of putting it any other way, fuck with her mind for a very long time. And she does not deserve it. JUST DON'T! Unless you want to victimize her again! Which I believe you don't!
     

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