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How can I help my porn addicted husband?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Meowkowski, Jun 30, 2014.

  1. Jun 30, 2014 #1
    Meowkowski

    Meowkowski Fapstronaut

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    My husband has recently quit porn for good. He had been PMOing on and off for years during our 5 year relationship, lying about it until I found him. A few months ago I caught him doing it again, and I decided to try to get used to the fact that this's as part of our life, a sort of third party in the sexual intimacy of our relationship, and that it says just me being jealous, self esteem less and selfish when I made him feel bad for having a private sexual life. I'd justify it by thinking 'at least he isn't cheating on me with real women, at least he doesn't beat me, it least he is healthy'.
    All this didn't help him at all, but just led him to jittery, porn crazed rock bottom and he finally decided to go porn free for himself.

    I still have some visceral anger, mainly about the lying, but also surges of jealousy and of low self esteem,followed by despondency and anger. I will lash out sometimes, when he mentions certain things, I am ashamed of this. I also have a high libido and am very attracted to him, but feel like mentioning or initiated sex might not help?

    What is something your partners do that helps you? Any advice on how anger from you partner makes you feel?
     
    Meowkowski, Jun 30, 2014
    Meowkowski, Jun 30, 2014
    #1
  2. Jun 30, 2014 #2
    ReallyWannaLive

    ReallyWannaLive Fapstronaut

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    First off, good for you for seeking help. That was the hardest part for me and my wife. Are you comfortable telling him about your feelings? I think it would help him to know that you're feeling low self-esteem, jealousy and anger. I think if you haven't felt these things about him it would show that you're okay with him PMOing.

    I believe that sex between you and your husband is 10 million times better than PMO. If I were your husband I would hope that my wife would still want to have sex with me despite my mistakes, however I have always understood when my wife wasn't comfortable having sex because of a recent relapse. I think sex brings couples closer. So I therefore believe that initiating sex will do more good than not, but then again - everyone's situation is different. If you feel that he would digress because of any initiation or mentioning of sex, then hold off on it. If all he is thinking about is porn when he is having sex with his wife then I would want that to change.

    My wife and I did counseling for my porn addiction. This really helped her because it let her realize that she wasn't at fault for my decision to watch porn and masturbate. On the first day, she burst into tears when our counselor told her these things, because she had believed for so long that she was part, if not the whole, cause for my acting out. Ever since then, she's been able to handle my relapses much more effectively. Instead of getting angry with me, she'll feel disappointed for me. She's been so much more supportive.

    I hope you and your husband can find a common understanding of each other. Just know that your feelings matter and that your husband is blessed to have a wife that cares enough about him that she'd do anything for him and his addictions. Best of luck to ya.
     
    ReallyWannaLive, Jun 30, 2014
    ReallyWannaLive, Jun 30, 2014
    #2
  3. Jun 30, 2014 #3
    Meowkowski

    Meowkowski Fapstronaut

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    Dear reallygottastop,

    Thanks a lot. First of all your wife sounds amazing! I'm sure you do, but hope you tell her that. Can I ask, if you know, how she was able to stop being angry with you, and be more 'with' you when you relapse. Did it help when she voiced her true feelings about porn to you? Did it hurt your recovery if she reacted angrily?

    sometimes I'm comfortable telling him my feelings because he reacts with understanding and compassion. Sometimes, though, he reacts with impatience and almost anger or annoyance and tells me I'm no helping myself by obsessing over his porn use. That being said, he tries not to do this, and it's rare... I just don't know if putting him down instead of buoying him up is helpful, even if it's honest, because the worst he feels about himself the more likely he is to try to escape into PMO right?

    As for sex after porn use, the problem with me is that it blocks me. When we are having sex, all I can think of is that he probably watched another woman doing exactly the same thing I'm doing, that's it's not a special thing just between us, but that I'm one of many women that turn him on, that do the se kind of things for him to watch etc... It makes my libido dissipate, and makes me feel desperate, rejected and ashamed.
     
    Meowkowski, Jun 30, 2014
    Meowkowski, Jun 30, 2014
    #3
  4. Jul 1, 2014 #4
    ReallyWannaLive

    ReallyWannaLive Fapstronaut

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    Anytime my wife tells me her feelings it helps me; the good feelings, the negative feelings, you name it. Yes, once when she got really angry after she caught me looking at porn it turned into a big fight, but no I don't believe it made my recovery harder or worse. It makes me want to stop when things like that happen.

    It doesn't seem to me like you're "obsessing" over his porn use, rather it seems you want to help him and that you truly desire a stable and healthy marriage. If he tells you that you should stop obsessing about it, maybe you could let him know/remind him how damaging his decision to watch porn is on, not only himself, but you, the people around him, and your future family (if you plan on having one together). I know it's hard, but don't ever feel like you are accountable for your husband's decision to PMO. I think his getting angry at you shows that he doesn't want all the blame for his actions. He needs to take more responsibility, I think.

    Porn has ruined my life. I have been addicted since I was 11 years old. My wife has been amazingly patient with my recovery from this horrible addiction and I know that I'm the one who has to want to change. It's a plus that she is so supportive, but until I want to change - nothing will happen. No matter how many filters she and I put on my computer, I was still able to get my porn somehow. Even after we went to counseling, I still struggled.

    Our marriage isn't perfect, but I can promise you that we have grown so much closer since we have been able to communicate our feelings. If you two are like me and my wife, you might find that you really can't empathize with some of his struggles simply because he is a male and you're a female. This website has helped me a ton. I have an accountability partner who is my same age and we check up each other everyday to see how the other is doing. Maybe your husband needs his own NoFap account! :)
     
    ReallyWannaLive, Jul 1, 2014
    ReallyWannaLive, Jul 1, 2014
    #4

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