Hoping to find balance in life

Newbie here.
Never really joined any forums or help groups of any kind due to the 'ability' to justify my behaviors/addictions. I have always been able to rationalize the way I've lived with various excuses, especially the 'one day I'll get control' mentality ... and foolishly believing in those excuses without any real effort.

I am here to publicly announce that I have a serious problem with PMO, which I fully recognize and have recognized for many years, but have been unable or unwilling to control or otherwise re-direct the energy into constructive means. It has taken a lot of courage to take the first step by admitting it to myself ... and after discovering this site, signing up here seemed like a good place to start my journey to recovery.

I have been unable to refrain from PMO for more than 7-10 days for almost 15 years now. It's amazing how the years add up so quickly. It's amazing to look back and see how much time was spent watching porn.

It was only after my fiance broke up with me, two days before Christmas, that I had the courage to eventually sober up and take a real hard look at my life ... and I don't like what I see.

What I do see however, is a lot of encouraging stories and supportive people on this site which may be able to understand the struggle I'm going through. Overwhelming shame and fear of rejection has prohibited me from telling specific things to anybody in my personal life or seeking meaningful guidance from them.

Complacency in work, boredom and sexual compulsions have rooted the sins of sloth and lust into my heart increasingly over the past few years. I am not very religious and only started reading the good book as a means to escape my despair. Although, I am learning quite a bit - mostly guilt from bad decisions.

I need help and encouragement. I'm apparently unable to do it on my own. Even the love for my ex was not enough to break the addiction or discourage me from self destruction. And her love was not enough to see it wasn't about her, it was about me.

I know I need to change things for the better or I will continue to live an unfulfilled and unhappy life. This isn't just a challenge-for-fun for me, it's a challenge for change ... to get my life back.

Thanks in advance for your support.

 

Thanks for the recognition @Link468.

Day 3 now and it's a bit of a struggle. Not just with PMO, but with the general issues of my life. Sometimes it's hard to write things down in a streamlined fashion as all the thoughts come rushing through in a jumbled way.

After reading your journal, it's amazing how similar your story (and many others) is to mine. Although I don't yet have kids and my fiance wasn't quite as supportive of me to help break this addiction. Instead, she rode the wave until something better came along. She never really told me the PMO / ED was an issue for her but it definitely led to much of the unhappiness / disconnect / discontent in our relationship.

It's been odd, as I couldn't fathom how much of disruption PMO had in my life until all the security walls were broken down. The instant gratification to uplift and ignore all the negative emotions in my life really clouded my judgement and ability to see the destruction around me.

Although, I fear now I seem to have lost everything. I built my life around her, which I know now was a mistake. And now that she is gone, all is gone. My world is so small without her. Esteem, confidence, happiness all elude me. Even my desire to proactively work hard at my career which I used to love is gone. Depression has a pretty tight hold and is keeping me down.

And even though I face many other struggles, it seems that PMO is the center of it all ... and has been for many years. I will continue with the struggle and try to remain as positive as possible in hopes for the better. Each day is a reset button and must be conquered ... morning, noon, and night.

 

Fell off the wagon. I was feeling really happy and really good for the first time in a long time. My addiction and demons got the best of me. I wasn't thinking of the consequences enough, just 'going with the flow'. I'm back into my routine and hoping to be back in my journey for balance. A mistake isn't a failure ... just an opportunity for learning.

 

Well, it's been 7 days since my most recent setback. I haven't had the compulsive attitude to PMO in the past few days and the next few days seem to be pretty bright .. in regard to the whole self-gratification part. Ive read 'Your Brain on Porn' and am currently reading 'Surfing for God' and both have given pretty good insight to the physical and spiritual depravity of these actions ... and of course, the need to change them.

Honestly, the other troubles of my life have ruled my emotions and thought patterns recently, which may be good for not browsing the net for PMO, but I'm in a fog of depression and self-loathing and have a great degree of anxiety about the future. I'm just a mess of addictions and compulsions. The amount of things I need to correct about myself are pretty overwhelming. I need to focus on one at a time (easier said than done).

... Still hoping for balance.

 

Tomorrow will be Day 14. It's a pretty good milestone seeing as I haven't made it this far in a really long time. I'm getting prouder of myself each day. But, I found myself browsing Quora today for insight on relationships and ran into some sketchy conversations about sexual perversion real life encounters and started going down the rabbit hole. I'm not gonna lie, it took me a few minutes to snap out of it, but I did. I indulged for a few minutes but had the sense of mind to back out and shut down the browser before it reached the extreme point. I wouldn't have been able to do that a few months ago.

 

Got sad. Got anxious. Got drunk enough to forget and/or dismiss my ambition just long enough to slip. FML. Gotta be stronger than this. I know I can do it. Just gotta dig deep and stop making hollow promises.