Hi, this is me

*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*

Hello, I introduce myself, I am 30 years old and a Christian.

Sorry for my bad English but I use translator.

And sorry for the very long article.


I lived in an abusive family, either we did as my father said or we were beaten, I think this led me to develop fantasies and fetishes.

I always had fantasies of submission and humiliation, the greater the humiliation, the greater the pleasure.

I was very precocious in autoeroticism, I think as early as 7 to 8 years old. I remember taking pleasure in stuffing a pillow in my underwear and pretending it was a diaper, or fantasizing that a toy was my master and I was its slave and forcing me to stick objects in my butt or pooping in my hand and then spreading it on my penis, which despite my age I remember was still stiff. (Yes, I know, it sucks and I despise myself for it). I didn't understand what I was doing, I don't think I could reach orgasm, but after a while of playing these games, the pleasure diminished and I just stopped doing them.

I don't remember the first time I masturbated to orgasm, but I must have been about 12 years old, and from there the decline started,

When I was 13 years old I got my first cell phone with internet access, I started looking for pornography, not being able from cell phone to view videos I jumped on erotic tales, which I then continued to read preferring them to videos, as in the tale are described the emotions felt by the submissive and the more detailed such tales were, the more excited I became.

I was always looking for and imagining more humiliating scenes, even without pornography my mind wandered and tried to create more extreme scenes (BDSM, zoophilia, pissing, scat, etc...) I felt pleasure in being used as an object or as an animal.

Even at that age I felt shame whenever my mind went to these thoughts. Coming to orgasm I would feel ashamed and accuse myself of not being strong enough to resist the temptation. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I did not understand why. I was alone, I didn't know who to talk to about it, least of all my parents, who at that age our relationship was more damaged. The only one I dialogued with here was God, but he never helped me at that age.

I had few friends and didn't think anything of telling them my problems, they liked girls, I didn't like them or boys. I only got pleasure from humiliation.

As I grew up I continued to use pornography, but even though I eliminated it from my life, during masturbation I always thought back to those scenes described in the porn stories.

I kept fighting them, but I always ended up masturbating almost every day, with or without pornography.

In my early 20s my deviance amplified, I added sissy, feemdom and developed the diaper fetish to my repertoire of humiliation, but the most serious thing that prompted me to stop and seek psychological help was that I began to feel attraction to children. My little brother was 8 years old and he was the only person who really loved me (of course as a little brother can love you) and whom I loved in turn, only I had never felt anything erotic in him (as it should be) in the years since.

Also in my 20s a son was born to a friend of mine, I saw him being born and growing up, and as he was growing up, even with him my thoughts also went to eroticism.

I NEVER ABUSED THEM (fortunately). I realized I was a problem and vented my frustration in masturbation, thus counteracting the libido to prevent me from doing some shit, and so far it worked.

When I was 23 years old I felt interest in a girl, I didn't understand what was happening to me, a whirlwind of emotions inside me was destroying me. On the one hand I wanted to be with this girl all the time, on the other hand I realized that I did not feel erotic attraction toward her (to understand, even if I saw her naked my cock did not get hard).

I didn't understand what was happening to me. Was I cured? but how could I be cured if I felt no arousal toward her?

In that short period I stopped both masturbation and porn.

Unfortunately, it only took a short time to realize that I was not cured, and out of frustration, after a few weeks I fell back into the usual masturbation.


I decided to seek help. I wanted a cure for my attraction to children and my deviations.... Spoiler: It didn't work.

I was in treatment for 2 years, then there were the covid years, then my therapist got sick, and just a few months ago I resumed sessions.

In the years that I was not going to therapy, I looked every which way for a solution. I read books, prayed, inquired, but given the taboo topic of pedo I could find no solution.

I would continue the usual MO or PMO ritual, I never voluntarily sought pedo material, I happened upon a couple of stories where the protagonists were minors and I am ashamed to admit it... I masturbated to them. One tale of these the boy in question was being abused by schoolmates on a field trip (here they combined pedo with submission and enslavement)

With my therapist we tried to dig into the past and look for answers:

Regarding pedo, I don't feel attraction to all children, but only to those who reciprocate a lot of affection and love, this could be my search in the love I have never received from anyone except them, their unconditional love triggers something that drives me to eros.

Submission: it could be that my craving for love I have never received pushes me to give myself totally to the other at the cost of being his slave, just to beg for some attention.

These are just theories, unfortunately my memory is screwed, I have no memory of my past except for a few flashes, so it's not even easy with the therapist to go searching for memories. There is still some puzzle pieces that don't fit for example: Why is it that in normal life someone wants to force me to do something I get angry and do everything to fight and avoid doing it but instead from an erotic point of view I WANT someone to force me to do things?

This year, unfortunately, I was forced to be with a child almost every day. In order to preserve him I was implementing the strategy previously implemented: masturbation before meeting him. It worked, but the more I did it, the more I found that it increased my desire for him.

To date the situation is this:

I am a virgin; I have never acted out my fantasies with anyone else; shame would drive me to suicide.

I still feel attraction to some children

I experience arousal in humiliation

My perversions are: BDSM, Sissy, feemdom, diapering, zoophilia, adult-baby, scat, pissing (all these have in common submission and humiliation)

And before anyone tells me yes, I DO SUCK AT EVERY ONE OF THESE PERVERSIONS especially for pedo

In August I met a priest and confessed to him. I told him EVERYTHING, I thought that when he got to my pedo thoughts he was scandalized, instead he believes that at the root of it all is pornography and my violent past. It is not normal at 8 years old to have such thoughts so he believes that psychological support is necessary but he also believes that by totally removing pornography and masturbation he can find a solution. Since then I have seriously tried to quit. The past years I always tried but always found the justification "it was a tiring day, I deserve some pleasure" or "it will be a tiring day, I deserve some pleasure." Either way I would fall back more and more violently.

Since August things changed, I started praying more, reading books about quitting pornography until I realized for the first time that every time I masturbated I had a choice whether to do it or not, it was as if God was standing beside me and taking me by the hand to get out of that situation....

I searched the Internet for solutions to quit and that's how I found the forum.

I read a lot before I wrote and since December 1 I stopped masturbation and porn. I have never been for so long without them. I have energy to spare, I am no longer sleepy and I am very motivated. BUT ... it's not easy, the first week was hellish. The desire was consuming me. Then it diminished, perhaps because of the many commitments I have. On the 24th and 25th I was about to relapse, as well as yesterday and today. I had wet dreams (had them before and didn't bother) but in this month of abstinence before I fall asleep I always hope to have them, it's as if I want a minimum of joy during sleep, since during the day I never experience it.

I have noticed when desire assaults me I do not immediately fall back on the images from the stories that are now printed in my mind, but it is a desire solely and exclusively for pleasure seeking. Whereas before masturbation gave me pleasure only during orgasm, now I see that even the simple rubbing of it.

Today after the wet dream, I started masturbating and at first I had no porn images in my head, I just wanted pleasure, then as I resisted all those images materialized that I still have in my head. Fortunately I stopped in time, but I was close to relapse.

I am here looking for answers and for help. I know that what I have written and who I am might shock some people, but I ask for some understanding. I have never harmed any minor, nor is it my intention to do so. In my life I have learned self-control and in not showing my emotions to others, this has led me to control myself when I am with others and vent instead when I am alone.

I believe this is the last resort to heal from my problems. If even this doesn't work I wouldn't know what else to do....

If you have any books, articles or anything that can help me figure out how to get out of this I would be grateful.


I wrote this out of the blue, there will probably be errors and things to add, I will update it later .

Thank you