Hi Everyone.

So, I'm a guy who has been going for awhile without a lot of successful relationships. I have found myself becoming more introverted, anxious and docile as i've gotten older and I've literally told myself on a regular basis that I would simply stick to porn because that's all I can be bothered dealing with. I'm 27 years old.

Enter hot girl.... Somebody i've known for a year and a half now, who I just stuck to being friends with for the majority of the time. She broke up last year, then this year and I don't know what came over me, but I asked her out for coffee... It just felt natural, we were actually recording her voice for a class project, I was in the booth. We had a wall separating us, which I think meant we felt safe to talk to each other.

She didn't answer really, so I let it go, thinking it was a no. Except later, she wanted to go out drinking, with me (others in class invited themselves along (*sigh). Throughout the night, we were dropping hidden messages to each other throughout conversation.

Eventually, we sighed in relief once they were all gone. She wanted to start with kissing. She seemed surprised that I could kiss so well as a friend?

Things progressed after we left and went all the way, from what I could see, we had lots of success. The next few days, we were texting each other a lot, both of us wanting each other (I'm assuming she was genuine about that).

Two days later we were back in class and were nervous around each other, I felt awkward as did she. We had one last date that evening and called it quits based on there being a lack of 'spark' (Damnit).

To be frank, she told me that the sex was great, my size is good (8), we share the same values and everything, but we couldn't be natural around each other unless we were talking in terms of sex or if we had alcohol in us.... :/

You know, she was right, that's no good for a base of a relationship.

I never used to be so closed, but i've found it getting worse with age, mainly around women, but also around new friends. I sort of squash my voice, remove a certain level of volume from it like what you do to avoid crying, If I try to speak normally, I feel the physical urge to cry without any other trigger.

I've been seeing a psychologist for over 10 years and recently a psychiatrist (4 years) too. I've also been to hypnotherapy, horse therapy and other counselling. I've had diagnosed depression, anxiety and ADD, but i've never considered masturbation to be a possible contributor in this, until now....

I'm coping with the above girl related story. That's ok. These things happen. It may have even boosted my confidence after hearing her affirmations. I'm rejoining the gym too and was looking at self improvement videos. I then saw the TED talks video on Masturbation by Gary Wilson.

Looking further into it, I could hardly believe how many guys claimed that quitting it boosted their confidence. Apparently from what I could see, avoiding PORN specifically too, would help with longevity. I wanna be able to choose when I release! Really choose. I'm not bad in the first place, but I normally 'endure' at will only only from the second or third...

My main fear/joy is this, what if this has been the only thing stopping me from successfully finding girlfriends or talking to people in the first place? I was told by my pretty much first and only ex-girlfriend that I tick all the boxes. I don't think there's anything wrong with me...

That's why I'm here. I have to try. This is day two.... I expect the night to be the most dangerous...

One thing more. If you're wondering whether I'm doing this for that girl, no, I don't think so, though if a spark WAS revealed a little later, that's fine by me... But it's important to me to not ruin our friendship... She's cool.

So that's my intro... My username is PrivatelyPursuingPatience and I am a porn and masturbation addict!

 

Well, I'm pretty sure it's not about the girl. It's more about using this event to get my life better sorted. In regards to PMO, I'm not sure how badly I will struggle, but at the very least I've rejoined the gym.

I thought maybe I could use the gym to vent energy when I needed. It's working at least for the other stress I've felt recently. The other thing I did 3 weeks ago, was delete all my video games from my PC and phone. That's another thing I'm quitting (Probably the reason I gained the confidence to ask that girl out in the first place). In other words, I'm trying to consciously shift my relationship with computers and my phone to a work only one.

Day 3 so far and it's there, but... I'm asking myself, do I really need it? I've been thinking of deleting my Facebook app from my phone as well, just continue to check emails on the very rare occasion a friend contacts me, but I know that removal of the temptation in the first place isn't entirely the same as building willpower.