HELP

a middle eastern M. 19 yo. growing up i had feelings of same sex attraction which is totally banned here. at first i had no idea about that till i was like 11 yo. i started watching normal hetero porn and it was boring for me. then when i just saw same sex porn it got me. i watch daily stuff about LGBTQ communities of other parts of the world. how people might be happy with their lives and be acceptable to themselves which makes me a little bit more accepting to myself tbh BUT at the same time i still don't want to live in a similar way. in such age, all what comes to my mind is ''what im gonna do next'' marriage topics will have to come somewhere here and there in the family and im afraid of such things. i dont really know how to live and i need someone to talk to.