Help me help him....

@ConfusedWife you shouldnt have to convince him he has a problem, only he can come to that conclusion for it to be real. If he reads some of the journals on these forums he will recognize that his life runs many parallels with fellow addicts. Please dont judge him too harshly, guilt him or shame him. Pmo has an incredible hold that manifests in hurtful ways such as lying and sneaking aground. The addiction goes to great lengths to protect itself and the first barrier is denial.

Best of luck.

 

Lot's of great responses already. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

I'd just like to encourage you that him striving to be free from it is a great step forward. Also know that this can be a very long and very difficult struggle to overcome. But you are not alone. This forum is a testament to just how many people struggle with porn. Your husband was designed to love you and you alone, but porn takes that desire and twists it into something dark.

 

Yes... Very much agree with you!! He needs to have a good hard look at himself & look at the situation for what it is... Love your input...

 

P tricks you in that you watch it alone and do everything alone, so you get this belief that P use and M doesn't hurt or affect anyone else. Which of course is not true, especially to people in relationships.
As many people have said the first step is your husband acknowledging he has an issue. I know for me it took a little while for me to realise I had a much bigger issue than I thought and in fact an addiction. In the end an addict will only change their thinking by understanding and fearing the consequences of their actions.
It is important that there are consequences for his actions and he fears those consequences. If he watches P and all that happens is you get a bit angry and that passes quickly it is easy to blow off. But if he is legitimately scared you are going to leave if he doesn't take steps to break this addiction it is much harder to justify your actions.

Victim blaming, lying and deflecting are classic addiction symptoms. Are you in the wrong telling him how you feel, even if he doesn't agree? of course not! If you go to a restaurant and tell him you didn't like your meal, is that your fault? it's exactly the same. Blaming you is a way of avoiding making any acknowledgement of this problem, making you in the wrong instead of himself.

Stay strong, you have definitely not done anything wrong! Once he sees the damage he has caused the healing can commence.

 

Your pain is evidence that porn is not harmless. The fact that it is painful to you should cause him pain. If he can't empathise, one thing some SOs on here have done is draw a parallel between PMO and cheating or sexting with a partner for the SO. Although I do not think PMO is as severe as cheating with a partner where interaction occurs, and so an additional relationship is being had, however shallow, i think the comparison is a helpful one. Many women find porn unexciting, and struggle to masturbate to orgasm without a partner and/or an emotional attachment. Because orgasm is so much easier for men to achieve, and emotional attachment not needed to climax, porn does the job if the guy wants more sexual release. If the woman in the relationship wants more sexual release, and cannot orgasm to porn or her own touch/use of a toy, her only option might be to cheat. No matter how shallow or fleeting that relationship would be, it is likely your partner would be devastating. You do not need tobargue that theae two scenarios are exactly equivalent, it is the flavour of the pain that you should seek to communicate. The feelings of betrayal are not you over-exaggerating. Porn has not been normalised for you. You have not been desensitised to it or accepted it as a part of life. Why should you? Your partner's use of porn has conditioned him over the years tobrationalise it as normal, so a 90 day abstinance should help him step outside of his use patterns and rethink the issue.

 

Is he aware that you expect him to tell you the whole truth, not just what he thinks you want to hear? Maybe sit him down and say "look, I want you to know how serious I am about this. I don't want you to say things just because you think it's what I want to hear. I want the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I deserve that much after the pain I've endured. This is what I need in order to start to heal." That's what I had to do. He was so afraid of my reactions to things, so he sugar coated and made it sound like things were better than they really were. I had to promise him that I'd try not to take it too personally or turn it into a fight. Did that mean I couldn't cry? Not at all. Just that reeling in my anger and want to lash out at him was the healthiest thing for both of us. Made him more comfortable opening up to me.

 

First off, I'm sorry this is a burden that you've had to shoulder in your relationship. I would really encourage checking out some of the SO forums on here for support, they really helped both me and my wife understand betrayal trauma.
Two quotes from your first and last post jumped out to me on this thread:

Without meeting him, hearing his side of the story or knowing anything else I can say that your husband has some values of an addict, and very well could be one. This quote demonstrates one of our addiction's strongest tools: rationalization. Everyone does it, it's natural, its normal... etc. An addiction survives by any means necessary and tell's him all these things internally, in his own voice, which is extremely convincing.

Addicts live like children. In pursuit of pleasure in the moment. Not the future. Now. To consider how our actions will impact our lives later, we have to demonstrate a certain amount of detachment from the present moment. We have to think. If our heads are full of sexual imagery, fantasies, desires and a need to experience the elation associated with them, then there is no room for consideration of the future. An Addict is Mindfull not Mindful. There is only the immediate need now and the consequences of how we meet that need are incredibly diminished in our minds.

Threatening leaving wont mean anything to him until you're gone, which might be what it comes to. He has to want to change. All you can do is clearly express your expectations/hopes to him and go from there.

Good Luck!

 

Hopefully these are the first steps on your journey through this together. Sorry if this sounds gloomy but the reality is it won't get any easier. I used to think being on this journey alone was tough but Christ it's even more intense when you have an SO.

The main thing is that you both take advantage of each other's presence. Confide in him, even (especially!) when it's tough. Don't put any pressure on him to join NoFap, these next few weeks will be delicate for him as he's accepting some hard truths. Best I'd recommend for now at least is he reads other addicts' forum posts for more clarity and soul searching. Slowly but surely he'll start being able to reveal some stuff you'll probably find disturbing but ultimately these are the things that bring couples closer together.

And remember this, despite everything he's said he is still an addict. His brain will actively fight against him and test his will at every turn. Read as many resources out there on PA as you can. You sound like you'll be frequenting the site often so don't be scared to seek help here when you don't know where else to turn.

Good luck to you both

 

To 'pay him back' with emotional cheating will not solve any problems. The reason his porn use hurts you is because of how special he is to you and how the pmo has made it feel like he might not feel the same way, or at least that his actions are not in line with what someone who feels the same way ought to do. If he is special to you and you do not wish to leave, do not push him away. His actions have driven you apart enough already. It is likely your partner does not consider porn to be cheating and would not just dismiss your feelingsvof hurt if he was discovered having a real life affair. Just because he does not yet understand your pain, it does not follow that you need to hurt him to the same or a greater extent. As he comes to accept and understand the pain he has caused, he will feel a great deal of pain and self-hatred. This will balance things out without you needing to undermine and potentially destroy the relationship just to feel understood. Time should help.