Hello...

Hello. I am a 20 year old male college student and I've been addicted to pornography since I was 11 years old. It has warped me. I believe I have erectile dysfunction and I strongly believe that I am not enjoying sex the same as much as I am supposed to. I have read online that sex can be a borderline spiritual experience for some people. The greatest feeling that one can have in life. I am not religious but I believed them. When I was little just seeing porn was exciting. Now I don't feel much of anything and it takes me a long time to get off on porn. When I do get off I don't really feel a whole lot of anything, emotionally or physically. I have anxiety and depression. At one point I was having suicidal thoughts daily.

By joining NoFap I hope to start experiencing sex and relationships how I imagine normal, healthy adult males do. It's funny. I used to weigh a lot more before I decided to loose weight about a year ago. For a long time I was in denial about my problem. I thought that my erectile disfunction was due to my being out of shape (I was never fat per say... Just more pear shaped than I would like). I worked really really hard and I lost 70 pounds over the course of the last year or so. I went from 6'2" & 275lbs to 6'2" & 205lbs. I was looking forward to feeling happier, healthier, and more sexual/confident. I lost the weight I wanted too but I just ended up more depressed. I believe it was because I was still masturbating. It wasn't all a waste though.. I believe I now have more willpower then before I lost weight. Maybe enough to kick porn and masturbation on 'Monk Mode'.

As of 10/1/18 I have decided to try monk mode. My goal is to go porn free till at least 10/30/18. If I can go all 3 months I will be very happy. I would like to do a complete reboot from the ground up though. I kind of dream of abstaining from porn and masturbation for a year or two. I have been addicted for so long I believe my brain chemistry needs time to change. I am going to sell my phone and only use my laptop in public places on public wifi. I believe I can do this. If I could be man enough to loose some weight, then I believe I can learn to be man enough to kick porn. I want to transform into someone who is depressed and sexually dysfunctional into someone dynamic and strong and someone who enjoys sex a lot.

I know this was long, I understand if you don't read it all. Honestly I could have written a lot more. I have been addicted to porn for so long, it has affected me a lot and there was so much I wanted to write.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/monk-mode-journal.196792/
This is my journal.