Hell on Earth (My story) [Suspected Hypofrontality] {27M}

I thought I was addicted, until I became addicted. I never in my life thought I could experience drug like withdrawal symptoms and sustained brain damage from viewing pixels. The truth is it’s simply more than pixels, and it’s simply more than flesh. The saying goes “Eyes are windows to the soul” and I believe our soul is the most valuable thing in existence.
Now if you don’t believe in spirits and souls and God then I ask you to just look at the back of your phone. It’s literally got the forbidden fruit of knowledge logo on it from the garden. Now ask yourself this, would your quality of life be better or worse without it? I rest my case. But that’s another can of worms that I may or may not post about.

I have been moderately PMO’ing for 14 years, (since I was 13) along with video games since I was 4. When I was 18 I got hit with anxiety out of nowhere and didn’t know what was going on. Eventually developed into depression, and eventually overcame it. Never diagnosed. Also around this time experienced sleep paralysis, false awakening and vivid nightmares Fast forward to 22 years old, hit with the dark cloud. This time it was because I was making music video compilation of “rule**”. I made 2, the first one flopped but the second one was a hit with hundreds of thousands of views on the most famous tube site. I felt accomplished but at what cost, I’m sure the people watching enjoyed it as much as I did making it but ultimately it’s destroying them. My conscience was bothering me and that’s what I believe developed into depression. I always believed in God but did not know him or have a relationship with him. Thinking back now it was him who put the fear I felt in me to look for him and turn to him as I was on my way to death and destruction. So I went on YouTube and started watching a bunch of hell testimonies that just scared me even more. Eventually I started watching Christian content and learning more about Jesus. My faith increased as I decided to follow this path that just made sense to me. This was around the time my eyes were opened. Some may call it a spiritual awakening, but I say it was Jesus revealing the truth to me.

Fast forward to 25 I lost virginity to a friend of a friend. Long story short it didn’t end well, this is the time I hit my deepest depression. I fasted for a week as this was something i had in mind before and ended up fainting on the 7th night because of a shock video a friend showed on discord. I couldn’t believe what I had watched. Fear began to set in, my hands sweaty, then cold sweat feeling around face. Nervous like I never felt before, my hearing gave out on one ear; the other slowly followed. I got up to get honey because I thought it was my blood sugar getting too low. My eye sight was leaving . It was slowly going dark. I realized I wouldn’t make it to the cabinet in time. I turn around and barely make it to my mothers bedroom to warn her I was about to pass out. (Felt like death) Luckily I made it to my mothers bedroom doorstep before I fell to my knees. It woke her up and I remember her call out to Jesus in desperation and I just started to feel normal again. I opened my eyes not even 15 seconds later I was completely fine. I broke the fast with some aloe juice and crackers. The fasting did help alleviate the depression a lot. When I decided I was not going to end my life because of the depression was the day I decided to transform it. I was tired of being depressed and was going to brute force my way out of it.
I forced myself to get out of bed, workout, cold showers, no pmo, Bible daily, intermittent fasting. When you’re in the storm all you can do is keep going. Eventually I beat this depression by becoming a new person. I had also quit playing video games for a couple of months. As I continued my self improvement I became quite hardcore and ended up with an injury from lifting weight or rucking. I got a herniated disc that shot a nasty pain from my neck down to my left arm. Any wrong movement would cause extreme discomfort. I had to sleep with a neck pillow and take Advil before bed. This also brought me closer to God as I had to rely more on my faith. During this time of healing it was easy to get comfortable as I couldn’t grind workouts. This took months to heal and I eventually fell back into old habits.

Which leads us to today, 27 years old. Still addicted or "actually got addicted" to PMO. The event happened on August 24th, 2023 I will never forget the most traumatic experience ever.
The months prior I have not been exactly on top of my game. My diet and sleep schedule were garbage and I had been using P and video games regularly and didn’t think anything of it because I thought I was good since I already knew God. But on August 24th something changed.
The days prior I noticed my sleep was being affected like it was harder for me to fall asleep and get deep sleep. (Didn’t think anything of it) So I continue indulging my flesh with whatever I want, donuts video games and P, by the end of the day my dopamine is pretty much depleted. I try to sleep and barely fall into a deep sleep as my brain struggled to shut off. Couple hours later a nightmare brews. But this is like one of the vivid ones I used to have. This one felt real like it was sending me a message or I was looking into the spirit realm. My nightmare was basically a demon in the form of my old best friend who I not so recently found out has schizophrenia. I know it’s a demon because of the blacked out eyes. Anyway the nightmare was weird; took me to old places I knew but felt unsettling. The end of the nightmare is what really hit. Imagine watching from about 10 feet away. The demon was to the left of my body and holding a light like a spirit shining like a star. He says it’s too late, shoving the light into my chest and I wake up in fear and panic. Brain foggy and feeling like I’m losing my mind. I remember at one point I felt like I damaged my prefrontal cortex. Cant remember exactly what happened after. My first thought is; this is because of PMO so I stop, and the next night I’m hit with withdrawal symptoms. Tossing and turning in bed riddled with anxiety and images I couldn’t get out of my head. Felt like pure torment, and ofc I had another nightmare showing me I could have a demon in me. This time my brain was showing me a scene from Stranger Things where Will has the Mind Flayer enter him. For the next week I was depressed, anxious, confused, stressed, couldn’t focus on anything, felt like a zombie. I would also have intrusive thoughts. I fasted for 4 days just to try and attempt to get some restful sleep and I did feel a glimmer of peace on the fourth day and was able to sleep. My brain fog also had a layer lifted up when I began reading Bible verses again. This felt very surreal to me.
After that day I knew I had to do everything in my power to get rid of this addiction. I cannot continue down this path. It’s life or death. I was able to stay clean up to Sep 19. I felt like I was getting better and I let my guard down. I binged for 4 hours and my symptoms got worse. A couple of days later after being so stressed I noticed I had a mild static in my vision and eye floaters in light areas accompanied by a constant tinnitus. I look up my symptoms and find Visual Snow Syndrome. For the next couple of weeks I have high anxiety, depression, pure o ocd, insomnia, brain fog, low attention span, migraine, low stress threshold, dissociation, and anhedonia. This was too much for me as I’ve never experienced something like this before and just wanted some peace, so I even had thoughts of suicide.
I was able to stay clean throughout October and slipped up mid November and this first week of December. My symptoms now are mainly the Visual Snow ones and depression. I’ve had improvements in emotional and thought regulation as I’m exercising daily and taking supplements. I’ve studied and learned a lot about the brain and neuroplasticity which has given me a lot of hope. I believe my visual snow is from having a hyperactive visual cortex which was triggered by the PMO addiction.
I’m well on my way to recovery and don’t plan on quitting. Some days will be harder than others but I understand this process is not linear. No matter how long it takes to fully recover this is the only option as long as I’m alive. Just because Jesus died for our sin and we don’t have to pay the price of eternal hell after death, doesn’t mean we can’t experience hell on earth. If you’ve read this far thank you for reading my story and I hope you can learn something from it. God bless you and stay in the fight.

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to share your thoughts.

 

Do you have visual snow syndrome as well? If you do then the tinnitus is linked to it.
I'm not sure if VSS is linked to Hypofrontality, but I bet it is.
I've read most people with VSS have a hyperactive visual cortex.
I also believe the hypothalamus plays a role in this condition as well.
So my theory is; if it's linked to P addiction then it should correct itself overtime of abstinence. We just don't know the time frame.

I've had the tinnitus along with most VSS symptoms for 4 months already, I would say the psychological conditions improve as time goes by and maybe my vision a bit? (Maybe it's my attention span and focus) I have not felt improvement in the tinnitus yet. most of my VSS is mild so I've learned to ignore it through out the day and sleep with a white noise machine.

I'm hoping once I fix my circadian rhythm I see major changes.
There are stories of people who have gotten rid of their tinnitus and VSS so stay hopeful as I am.

Side note: Allergies - i went to the doctor last year around when this started and they said i have bad allergies and prescribed me antihistamine med and nasal spray. (did not use it) If I truly have pre frontal cortex "damage" then I would assume the allergies are arising from the cells trying to repair that area.
My point for you is that sinus problems may be a contributing factor to your tinnitus as it may put pressure in ears. I'll know for sure when I see the ENT doctor.