Hate my life. Live with psycho mother. Getting out ASAP.

Gladiatori · Mar 8, 2016

Hi guys. I feel disgusting and depressed today. I havent felt like this in a few months. Just last week I was very happy! then sunday hits and after busting my ass 6 days, getting a job, my mom picks a fight with me, I cant even relax! So basically my body got overstressed. I also had to internalize a rather difficult fact, one which I have failed to accept since birth about my mother, but have realized about the rest of my family in recent years, yet not my mother, until yesterday. Basically she was abused by her parents and sister badly, and had problems being in regular relationships. She developed a host of emotional disorders(borderline,narciccistic,PTSD) At times she is a borderline psycho, and has no respect for anyones space things feelings etc. She is a huge subvert and overt manipulator. I realised that after I moved back to her because I too had need for "return to nest" to lick my mental wounding(I have Borderline... Emotional disorder) Cause I grew up in hell. I have realized this since 2.5 years ago and have been constantly working on this, with a ton of success.

Now basically I have internalized the fact that my family, mother never loved me much. MY father abandoned when I was a boy too, and its a real nightmare to explain the disgusting things. I swear it... The single motherhood thing with government paycheck is the biggest crime against humanity ever. I also internalized the fact that my mother only cares for me as an object or thing, and that I am like a pawn for her, thus she would bring me down to her level as to have me as her minion. She had success on this, I almost suicided last year, and went depressed after I came back when she pulled off her mask of normality. Master of making people into slaves, and demeaning them through words/actions to crush self esteem.

Here is the thing... I have to shut off my emotions for some time, till I am out. I have no woman, and not many friends left. Toronto is a shithole, nobody cares. I got so drunk last night and smoked, and start coffee and smoke again because of overstress. I really hate this... BUt i have no other way. I basicaly have to be like another person =(. See I went through this as a young boy. I had to develop false selves to cope with different environments. And now knowingly I have to do so again... I cant even allow myself to feel love... Its going 2 be horrible. But I did it for 27 years.... I can do it again. UNfortunately, the way thsi works is that the brain seeks to compensate through external pleasures. We all know these ones. I will need some help here not to FAP! But Smoking And drinking I think I am fucked. I might just die soon... From fights or cancer. Oh well.. We all gotta go right? SOmetimes I wish for death... I used to fight a lot when i drank.. I actually sometimes wanted to die fighting... Sick isnt it?

I want to go drink right now... FML... I think Im going to

Rav70 · Mar 8, 2016

Okay so you know what makes you unhappy... Dont fall into old habits. Stay positive, find a room mate move out.
That won't happen? Well it surely won't if you give up and waller in your misery.
If she's fucking with your nerves go take a walk. Go to the library... Do something.

Gladiatori · Mar 8, 2016

@Rav70 lol Im at the library actually. Thanks rav my friend said basically same

HopeFaith · Mar 8, 2016

Gladiatori said: ↑

Hi guys. I feel disgusting and depressed today. I havent felt like this in a few months. Just last week I was very happy! then sunday hits and after busting my ass 6 days, getting a job, my mom picks a fight with me, I cant even relax! So basically my body got overstressed. I also had to internalize a rather difficult fact, one which I have failed to accept since birth about my mother, but have realized about the rest of my family in recent years, yet not my mother, until yesterday. Basically she was abused by her parents and sister badly, and had problems being in regular relationships. She developed a host of emotional disorders(borderline,narciccistic,PTSD) At times she is a borderline psycho, and has no respect for anyones space things feelings etc. She is a huge subvert and overt manipulator. I realised that after I moved back to her because I too had need for "return to nest" to lick my mental wounding(I have Borderline... Emotional disorder) Cause I grew up in hell. I have realized this since 2.5 years ago and have been constantly working on this, with a ton of success.

Now basically I have internalized the fact that my family, mother never loved me much. MY father abandoned when I was a boy too, and its a real nightmare to explain the disgusting things. I swear it... The single motherhood thing with government paycheck is the biggest crime against humanity ever. I also internalized the fact that my mother only cares for me as an object or thing, and that I am like a pawn for her, thus she would bring me down to her level as to have me as her minion. She had success on this, I almost suicided last year, and went depressed after I came back when she pulled off her mask of normality. Master of making people into slaves, and demeaning them through words/actions to crush self esteem.

Here is the thing... I have to shut off my emotions for some time, till I am out. I have no woman, and not many friends left. Toronto is a shithole, nobody cares. I got so drunk last night and smoked, and start coffee and smoke again because of overstress. I really hate this... BUt i have no other way. I basicaly have to be like another person =(. See I went through this as a young boy. I had to develop false selves to cope with different environments. And now knowingly I have to do so again... I cant even allow myself to feel love... Its going 2 be horrible. But I did it for 27 years.... I can do it again. UNfortunately, the way thsi works is that the brain seeks to compensate through external pleasures. We all know these ones. I will need some help here not to FAP! But Smoking And drinking I think I am fucked. I might just die soon... From fights or cancer. Oh well.. We all gotta go right? SOmetimes I wish for death... I used to fight a lot when i drank.. I actually sometimes wanted to die fighting... Sick isnt it?

I want to go drink right now... FML... I think Im going to
Click to expand...

I understand what you are talking about when the mask of normality falls off and the manipulation. My ex was psychopathic and once he dropped his mask I run away!

Healing from emotional trauma can take a long time and may require more than self help. What often happens victims of the abuse subconsciously we carry on abusing themselft by: drinking, drugs, sleeping around, self harm, smoking ect

All those acts are hurting you but you continue to inflict them on yourself as you are used to being hurt so u keep on hurting yourself.

A lot is to do with running away from your painful emotions that you are unable to feel.

Recovery is possible but it is not easy. First of all you need to stop what ever addictive behaviour you are engaging in and tackling them one by one is good. Once you stop drinking or tapping for example you will feel pretty bad! Maybe some antidepressants could help you out for a while. Feeling your emotions is the only way to recovery. If you continue to refuse to feel your pain you will continue to run away into addictions that are hurting you.

You deserve to be loved but sadly you do not know it. Your mother might be sick and simply unable to love. It is easier to forgive her once you understand her situation. It will be easier for you to heal once you forgive her.

I have been in similar shit hole myself but I am not giving up on myself.
What helped me is actually my daughter. If you get a chance try to look at children, how loving and trusting they all are. Every single child deserves to be loved and you were such a child yourself. Maybe your mum can not love you, but that does not mean you have to continue hating yourself because of that. You can learn how to love yourself and others! Do not let the history repeat itself!

Gladiatori · Mar 10, 2016

@HopeFaith thank you. THat is basically true.. I think I have stockholms syndrome. Well Its not so bad now but, I used to always be drawn to abusers. Even with my ex I feel the same like with my mom... Its the same, strange isn't it. Mother and Girl but feeling is same.. Heh.. every time I get that I Drink and smoke.. Its the nastiest thing.

I love children... I am working hard actually.. cause of them, very inspirational to watch them.

It's just that when you say to get the love and stuff, every time I try I have got screwed, and depressed badly... It's all from childhood. I am working now to leave.. started yesterday. This is a very cold place Toronto. Very phoney people.

wanabefree · Mar 10, 2016

It seems like you have a lot on your shoulders...have you considered going to the emerge at a hospital (eg Sunnybrook hospital)? If they have space available there, you may be able to be admitted as an inpatient at the ward. You would have people to talk to there to get your life in more perspective and at least temporarily away from a toxic environment.

Napav · Mar 10, 2016

Bro, you have to stay with your mother in these times. She would have done so many sacrifices for you. You shouldn't leave her alone. Be with her.!

HopeFaith · Mar 10, 2016

Gladiatori said: ↑

@HopeFaith thank you. THat is basically true.. I think I have stockholms syndrome. Well Its not so bad now but, I used to always be drawn to abusers. Even with my ex I feel the same like with my mom... Its the same, strange isn't it. Mother and Girl but feeling is same.. Heh.. every time I get that I Drink and smoke.. Its the nastiest thing.

I love children... I am working hard actually.. cause of them, very inspirational to watch them.

It's just that when you say to get the love and stuff, every time I try I have got screwed, and depressed badly... It's all from childhood. I am working now to leave.. started yesterday. This is a very cold place Toronto. Very phoney people.
Click to expand...

I was abused myself and continued to self abuse when I left home at 19. You want to leave your mum to stop the abuse. It will help you only in the way that she will not have a direct access to you. Sadly you can be certain that just leaving will not end your problems. Personally I went through eating disorder, sleeping around, self harm, drugs, smoking and I ended up marrying abuser 10 years after I felt my abusive nest.

If you just run away you can rest asure that you will continue to attract abusers, and continue to abuse yourself : drink and fap and as such you can waist a lot of time of your life.
Your mum most likely was abused too and was unable to resolve her issues. Things like this get often passed down generation after generation unless you consciously do your best at healing yourself. It is possible but you need to follow a path that is know to lead to recovery rather than hope u will just be ok.

Your mum is your mum and even if she was doing terrible things to you deeply inside u will love her. It is natural to love your parents even when they hurt us.

At present you have lots of turmoil and anguish and pain inside your soul and u are escaping your pain. What is inside your soul gives up certain vibes and affects the outside world. If you want to have love and peace in your real life you need to create love and peace inside your heart. It is not possible to have pain and anguish inside your heart and peace and love in your life. Similarly a man who has love inside his heart will not attack another with aggression.
To change your fate and atract love and peace and forgiveness you need to create it your heart first. This means you have to stop runing away into addiction numbing your pain but face it up, feel it and deal with it. Sadly that is the only way out of hell for you and me and everybody else who is self medicating with stuff.
Your life will always reflect what is inside your heart. I just understood it at 37. I hope this is making some sort of sence ?

Log in

Hate my life. Live with psycho mother. Getting out ASAP.

Gladiatori Fapstronaut

Rav70 Fapstronaut

Gladiatori Fapstronaut

HopeFaith Fapstronaut

Gladiatori Fapstronaut

wanabefree Fapstronaut

Napav Fapstronaut

HopeFaith Fapstronaut

Share This Page