Has using porn turned you into a horrible person?

Yeah, I basically have a mood disorder at this point. I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg, but who cares... now they are connected. I suspect the mood disorder came first, and isn't entirely responsible for the PMO... but the PMO is now a lever I have "control" over, although of course the control is an illusion. I use PMO to relieve anger, but then probably get angry because I've weakened myself with PMO and can't progress in real life in various ways while I'm in that weakened state. So instead of a mood disorder that maybe isn't my fault, I now have replaced it with something else that is my fault and probably impacts any natural tendency toward mood swings in a negative way.

 

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. My condolences. And I don't think you're a horrible person. I too didn't see my grandma enough in the past, though a lot of it was due to troubles with flying at the end. UNfortunately I missed her funeral (and other family events in recent years) due to health issues that I believe have been exacerbated by my PMO addiction and inability to correctly manage my shit. I can't fly anywhere. I get terrible motion sickness and I have a hard time with traveling because of prostatitis/potential enlarged prostate. ANyways, I definitely feel that this addiction and my inability to correctly deal with it have caused me to live this shell of a life. It sucks. This is a disease. It's addiction, and we have to look at it as such.

 

After watching pornography, I find myself initially perceiving women as objects solely meant for reproduction. However, after some time (typically about a week), my perspective shifts back to seeing them as human beings. Therefore, I recognize that watching pornography leads me to objectify women.

Additionally, I experience symptoms like brain fog and fatigue. I suspect that my bladder issues may also be related to this habit, although I'm uncertain.

 

It's natural to feel the way you're feeling, but it's also not very helpful.

There's an amazing quote that's always stuck with me since the first time I read it: "a man cannot consistently live in a way that's inconsistent with how he sees himself." If you fundamentally see yourself as a horrible, worthless failure, then you'll eventually drift back to the behaviors that validate that.

Instead of dwelling on your regrets, do your best to look at this as an opportunity--you can honor the memory of your grandmother by becoming the best version of yourself possible. Remember, this is a very difficult addiction to overcome. Anyone who says differently is either lying or was never truly addicted. So give yourself a little grace, but remember there is no better amends than a changed life.

 

After a horrible experience the last time I flew I have decided to not fly until I feel better with things. Truthfully, sometimes I even get motion sickness riding in the backseat in certain vehicles. But never when I drive. Do I feel justified in my not traveling much? It's complicated. On the one hand, I don't blame myself for not wanting to suffer. But on the other I feel bad for missing family events, etc. Idk how much abstaining from PMO would help. In reading all of the posts about PAWS, I feel like I have such a long fucking journey ahead of me if I can even get to the point of a flatline, etc. But I can't even break the addiction cycle, so I know I need to take baby steps. And I'm 32 years old. Been addicted since somewhere around the age of maybe 13 or 14?

 

..well at one point in life,hanging out with my friend Mike,he and i had our deviances and MO was one of them.Whenever we would skateboard,that exercise seemed to help in our dealing with our addiction-by the adrenalin it created. It did help,but i moved to another city and miss the hasnging out and skateboarding.It actually made me feel better...till I no longer had that interaction anymore and started to feel uneasy and needed an escapegoat-MO... . I'm glad I found this site to help me out...still going....

 

I am very sorry for your loss ... and yes, I can relate.

My father's life ended with our relationship in shambles. Please, do not ever part ways with those whom you love, on a bad note. Not even if it is for a day, or hours! A lifetime of regret may follow.

Regarding what you should do to cope with this, my opinion is this; do not repeat the same mistakes again. Honor your grandmother by allowing her love for you (that love which has brought you to this level of humility) to improve you as a person.
We can not change the past, friend.
We can only either learn from it, or run from it.

Also, I am sure your grandmother loved you to the very end and that she was understanding of you. Be nice to yourself, man. We all could have done better in some aspects of our lives.

 

Trust me, I feel you.

My ex-wife wanted nothing more in the world than to be a mom. We married a bit later in life (we were both 33), and we were married for 5 1/2 years, divorcing when we were both 38. Within months of being married, my addictive behaviors were discovered. Sex became a very emotionally heavy topic in our marriage. We stopped talking about it, and for the most part, stopped having it.

My ex is 46 now, and while we have a friendly and amicable relationship today (which I am forever grateful for), she doesn't have kids, and most likely never will. And I have to live with the knowledge that that's primarily my fault. I'm the reason she won't have kids of her own. I'm the reason her parents won't have grandkids.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly forgive myself for that, even though she has never held that over me. I know harboring that guilt isn't doing me any favors, but I truly don't know how to let it go. It's just very hard not to see myself as a basically bad, unworthy person when I've taken something so valuable from someone so wonderful.

But that brings me back to my original point--a "living amends" in the form of a changed life is the best way we can do right by the people we care about. So, whatever guilt you carry, try your best to direct that toward recovery-focused behaviors. We owe it to ourselves and we owe it to the world around us.

 

Definitely. I was a depressive teenager, without any desire to study, practice sports or do some physical exercises, i chose M instead of real women to try to have a relationship and i was a person that had fear of everything and every situation, basically no energy for nothing. Regardless of the fact that a lot of stuff that i used to do like play videogames, watch cartoons and movies and even read books, i lost the interest because i kept watching P most of the time. And a weak familiar relationship. Only disgrace, P is a poison.

 

Well I'm glad (and sorry) you are able to relate. Hopefully in some way it makes you feel less alone. I know I feel alone all the time in this addiction, even though I know there are many others out there. But of course we all hide behind anonymity due to shame. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out.

Yeah that's tough to lose a friend and someone who relates to you with certain things. We all certainly seem to use PMO as an outlet for our troubles. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out.

 

Yes, I have also done the same; ran away from my Self, from my past trauma, etc. I hope to better myself in this regard, such that I am more capable of facing my fears and aligning with my Self more.

I don't know if I have forgiven myself for the sitaution with my father. Perhaps I'm too young to know. However, I have learned to be more appreciative of every moment I share with my family now, and that it is better to be understanding of their shortcomings, rather than to be resentful.

I hope it gets better for you soon. My only advice is to be kind to yourself.
By the way, it is very humble - and admirable - of you (and other brothers in this thread) to share what you perceive as shortcomings in your life with us. It shows good heart, and a healthy conscience. I wish you ever more strength, brother.

 

bro I advise you to go for a walk and not be alone and everything will be fine, you and I)