hard to emotionally connect

dxx · Nov 20, 2017

Always felt like the odd one out in my family. Had bad ADHD and anxiety as a child. My dad never understood me or tried to empathize, but always tried to fix me. Mom just let him yell and get angry at me and never stood up for me.
I was impulsive, although I never did anything seriously bad. My dad often guilted and punished me, leading me to generally feel unworthy of love and like a piece of shit.
Feeling of inherent brokenness is intense. Incessantly put myself down although getting a bit better now that I have cut out serious drug addictions.
I've masturbated a lot since age 2 (addictive personality) and was shamed for it, as well as for being caught looking at porn and being gay.
Combine all this with the fact that I'm shy and have never shared many interests with my peers (curse of high IQ), I have difficulty connecting with people (or accepting connection). I am very lonely.
My masturbation habit has led to increasingly intense and unhealthy fantasies which I feel guilty about (and even more unworthy). I avoid real sexual connection with people because it feels dirty and is therefore usually unpleasant.

I'd love to hear from people who have had similar experiences. I don't want to permanently wire my brain for unhealthy, lonely sexuality. I really long for sexual connection.
I am worried that quitting will lead to a relapse on weed and other drugs, as I've been craving recently.

gingeralan · Nov 20, 2017

Sounds Like you had it tough! Not sure really what to suggest, you probably need some support. Perhaps a counsellor, or some sort of face to face peer support. Try your doctor, out failing that perhaps a local mental health charity, or your work might have something.

Deleted Account · Nov 20, 2017

your story really hurt me, must have been rough, the fact you're willing to do NoFap is a great first step. Keep it up

Deleted Account · Nov 20, 2017

You have had it rough, I was in a similar situation. Harshly put down for every tiny step out of line (and in line for not being good enough). Never any positive encouragement, which can seriously mess up a kid. I also consider my interests far beyond the league of the vast majority of people, which has hindered me socially. My interests involve taking the sciences to an insane level, most others talk about basic stuff like celebrity relationships, or cool TV series...basically stuff people better than them have accomplished.

Enough BS about me though, nobody cares. The best way I have found to combat all this is exercise. I found that with calisthenics, you can't injure yourself easily, but you can push yourself to a level that gives your brain no choice but to comply. Just keep making accomplishments, for yourself.

In my view, the more disadvantages people are born with (in terms of mental/social), the higher mountain they have to climb. Just keep in mind that, compared to people who were born with more advantages, you have a more difficult path. However, you have something they do not. You have the potential to raise even higher than they can, and once you climb that mountain, you will feel a sense of fulfillment that they can never hope to have, even if you both achieved the same thing.

dxx · Nov 21, 2017

AuraQ said: ↑

However, you have something they do not. You have the potential to raise even higher than they can, and once you climb that mountain, you will feel a sense of fulfillment that they can never hope to have, even if you both achieved the same thing.
Click to expand...

Good perspective, thanks
Sorry to hear you went through a similar experience. The lack of positive reinforcement is even worse than negative reinforcement IMHO.

Rameez · Nov 21, 2017

AuraQ said: ↑

You have had it rough, I was in a similar situation. Harshly put down for every tiny step out of line (and in line for not being good enough). Never any positive encouragement, which can seriously mess up a kid. I also consider my interests far beyond the league of the vast majority of people, which has hindered me socially. My interests involve taking the sciences to an insane level, most others talk about basic stuff like celebrity relationships, or cool TV series...basically stuff people better than them have accomplished.

Enough BS about me though, nobody cares. The best way I have found to combat all this is exercise. I found that with calisthenics, you can't injure yourself easily, but you can push yourself to a level that gives your brain no choice but to comply. Just keep making accomplishments, for yourself.

In my view, the more disadvantages people are born with (in terms of mental/social), the higher mountain they have to climb. Just keep in mind that, compared to people who were born with more advantages, you have a more difficult path. However, you have something they do not. You have the potential to raise even higher than they can, and once you climb that mountain, you will feel a sense of fulfillment that they can never hope to have, even if you both achieved the same thing.
Click to expand...

I love your asnwer. seriously, you are right. the person who goes through all the ups & downs in life is better than a person who didn't experience them. your brain functions work more and have more ability to fight the problems as you had the experiences.

Theguywiththething · Nov 21, 2017

In all honesty nofap is a good start, but this might be beyond our scope of practice

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