Man I'm just having a really bad mental breakdown right now and I don't know what to do.I feel hopeless and like a shit Im gonna tell you my darkest secrets so just please someone help me Trigger warning. Im a porn addict who got into porn from the early ages around like 10-11.i never doubted my sexuality before but now i have ocd and its killing me.the reason is when i was at the age of 13-14 i tried anal masturbation because of porn(i guess that's why mostly).i didn't enjoy it but then my brain god addicted to it i guess.but i knew it was wrong and i gave up on it. At that time i was really addicted to porn and i was always masturbating to it for hours and i would've had several tabs open.but at that time i was watching vanilla porn. One day i saw beastiality shit which my cousin found occasionally and then i got disgusted and almost puked on it and told him to shut it off.but then i had desire to search for that kinda porn. I started watching that kind of porn and zoophilia porn.i would get disgusted and then turn it off. But now my ocd is fucking me up because of what i did in the past because i watched that kind of porn.i really wouldn't tell this to anyone but it's killing me and i need to confess. I tried to have sex with my dog and i was the one getting f*cked. All the time i did it i got disgusted by it and i would say to myself that i would never do that again in my life but following day i just felt a really big urge to do it and i would do it and then i would get disgusted,sometimes puked and several times got mentally broken because of i was doing that. I couldn't socialize with people because i did that shit it bothered me and i was always asking myself why i would do such a thing and mostly i think it's cuz i was already having brain changes cuz of porn.i was desensitized and had tolerance towards normal porn but what i was doing was wrong and i gave up on it. It's been 2 years or even more since i gave up on doing that shitty thing but now what happend is a year ago i escalated to shitty porn genres.even in the past i did that kind of shit but i never doubted my sexuality as i was always attracted to girls and had crush on several ones.and now i escalated to porn which didn't match my sexual orientation and it was gay/transwoman porn. I watched it for arousal and then i would feel disgusted and go back to straight porn and orgasm that's how it was until i found one video of guy trying to fuck himself with his own penis. I saw that a several months ago And that shit just influenced me to do that kind of shit and at that time i was pretty desensitized as i look back from now and i tried to do it several times but didn't succeed cuz what would happen is that i would always feel some kind of dopamine rush at first and then huge disgust cuz i tried that kind of shit.i almost killed myself because of that and was at the mental state that nothing seemed great and pleasurable.then i gave up on that kind of behavior but now i got PIED because of compulsive porn use and i escalated to that kind of shit.i have urges to watch gay/transwoman porn and when i found out about my pied i got ocd and hocd.i abstained from pmo and my max was 12 days and in that 12 days i saw a huge improvement but then i relapsed and after that chaser effect got me till now.i had many unsuccessful attempts to give up on pmo addiction like 2 days,4 days and now i found some motivation to give up on it.and today i had a really hard urges to watch porn but I didn't and i have this panic attack rn and i broke down mentally cuz my ocd is giving me really bad thought. I think all the time that I can't socialize cuz i dont deserve it as for what i did in my life. I always think what my friends will think if they knew about it and feel like shit. I always think about that no one has ever done the kind of shit in their lives as i did and feel really bad about that. I wanna kill myself and feel a really huge burden and im really nervous about that i tried these shit in my life. I don't want to have these gay/transwoman porn urges anymore.i don't want to watch porn again.Not just transwoman or gay porn I don't want to watch porn in general. i want to have normal relationship with girl and have a great family the thing what I've been dreaming and striving for for my whole life but cuz of porn use i got fucked up. I never had gay tendencies and i never had crush on males or something like this but my ocd(hocd) is fucking me up and I don't know what to do. Please guys help me and tell me that it's because of porn that i tried these kind of shit and that im really not gay cuz im gonna kill myself. Please someone just help me.
Man the only way out is no PMO HardMode. I've indulged in various bad fetishes and if you abstain as much as possible you will get way better believe me. As soon as I hit 17 days then 17 nore days after 1 relapse I already felt myself waaaaaaay better and had 0 urges for non vanilla stuff (although I escalated to bad fetishes for many consecutive years prior) Yeah 1st 3 weeks were pure hell for me I was constantly worried about PIED and scared that I will be alone forever (although I still am but I feel better) . I was having panic attacks, bad sleep , extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts. So far I can get erect looking at vanila porn again man (and even at some fantasies with gals I know)! It's not a good thing to peek at it but still I have 0 thoughts of bad fetish material.
Thanks for replying. My goal is to go for 90 days hardmode and then continue my streak. It's been year and a half since i got into gay/transwoman shit and i know it's gonna take a long time to get rid of it. Im already having withdrawal symptoms and it's going to be hard.one thing i want to make clear is that i think i have soocd and not hocd and it's making my recovery progress really hard. thanks for replying
Ok. Good to hear. Once last thing. Look for things that completely changed your outlook as you go through hard times. I had frequently considered suicide. Quitting porn has given me newfound perspective, given me motivation to work hard, get in shape, work on my confidence, become a man again. Recognize that life will have tough challenges, do what needs to be done. Try new things. Best of luck to you.
You won't have these urges anymore once you leave the world of the crazies. People are naturally curious and see everything there is after some time. During that of course you would want to try out some of the things you see, especially since it is "an easy instrument" of sexual education which is somewhat taboo in society (but biologically we are all very much interested in sex of course). Drop the pressure you are giving yourself. Most likely you have no OCD and no HOCD, and you are not a pervert and you don't deserve to die. Parts of society are actively pushing all these perversions and the only one to blame is the porn industry and the organs of society that leave young people like you to feel like shit. Don't get discouraged. There is so much hope for you. Your idea about doing hardmode for a long time is good, but the biggest priority is to be abstinent from porn. You don't need hardmode streaks of 100+ or even 365+ days. Get out of the porn world - that has the highest priority. The rest will come with time!
I just wanna start off by saying that your escalation is nothing new; don't let it kill you from the inside. Most people on here have experienced it and I'm betting that many had it even worse than you and got out of it. This is some advice When it comes to your shame and the way you are unable to socialize because you know the things you've done, my advice is to romanticize your life more. It's very foolish (and I know because I've been there) to view your life in terms of harsh realism. For example don't say to yourself "I did terrible sexual things and I am a freak", but instead say "I am a flawed hero struggling with a demonic weakness that must be overcome". See, both statements are true; one is just way more reliable. I like the example of the Hulk the best. The uncontrollable emotion that manifests itself as a terrible monster. But Bruce Banner learns to harness that emotion instead of destroying himself because of it. Romanticize. See yourself in that manner or use any other example that helps. Every man in the past did it. Alexander the Great did it. He loved the stories of Achilles and purposefully saw himself that way in order to get far in life. Julius Caesar did the same thing, but with Alexander as his model. Romanticize. And consider becoming Christian. If it seems unreasonable, I tell you now what is reliable is what is real. What helps you is what is real. Not what appears to be and fails to help.
Nice insight on motivation perspective. Actually find this helpful. You know it's just feels a bit wrong to me personally. What kind of fqn hero is stuck on a shitty 5/2 office low paying office job ...
Maximus refused to swear loyalty to the new emperor. He loses his family and is sold into slavery. Everyone on this website, here and now, is a slave. Porn is the tigers in the gladiator arena trying to kill Maximus. The people in the arena seats screaming for blood and death is porn. The pixels on the porn screen blinds us to the truth. The truth is we are more capable and creative than we can imagine. Gentleman, fight back or die.
Hey man, i didnt read your content but bri there is salvation for everyone, for every so wicked mind there is salvation. Nofap, semen retention, abstaining is the first path you need to take to get out of hell. Really! Take this nofap thing as serious as you cand and your life will change. Oh, and change your profile name, self projected thoughts may manifest themselves. Dont loose your fate bro. God bless you.
I know there is hope, so keep on trying. Don't give up, things can change. Life is worth living and you are worthwhile. You never know what the tide will bring in (quote from castaway)
I would tell you "youll regret killing yourself". but if you are dead; how can you regret? what to the Dead know? dont speak lightly of ending your own life! you might believe your own words.hold on my friend!
I mean fair, but not sure your posts aren't really helping haha. We've all done depraved shit because of this and it's all relative. You have people confessing their darkest secrets here, imagine what isn't getting confessed.
I really feel like this needs to be talked about more. The lgbt stuff is fine when contained, but there are so many people out there being mentally destroyed because they dont feel these feelings, but everyone says its okay to be gay and just keeps the problem going as they spiral further into depression. We need to start being more comfortable affirming peoples straightness. OP, you are straight! Porn causes you to seek out things that disgust you to recieve a bigger high. You may find those types of p**n extremely disgusting, which is normal for someone who does not feel this way, but the nature of your brain attracts you to this disgust. TAKE THE INITIATIVE AND STOP NOW! YOU GOT THIS JUST DONT GIVE UP, and definately dont kill yourself! SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER! There are tons of people both in here and real life who care about you. But with that, you need to take our trust in you and transmit that towards getting better. You made this post to help yourself, which is fine! But you cant call wolf when there is none. Get yourself into shape and get rid of this addiction ONCE AND FOR ALL!
