Greetings Everyone. A story to be read

Greetings everyone. For privacy concern i do want to keep my real name anonymous and everything you will read from this thread it will be the most pure, sad and real life experience to share in a place like this. I do want to reach millions of mans struggling with masturbation addiction with my story and let it know that masturbation can not be seen lightly in the modern medicine, masturbation causes addiction, causes depression, causes issues in the way a person thinks, our brain is subtle to numbness causing your reaction time to non-existance, causes no will to be productive, no will to do anything, no will to talk, no will to fight. It creates resentiment, anger, love issues, fear to love, doubt on others, doubt on you, creates an image to others that you dont serve a real propose, that you are good for nothing, it creates an image that you aren't man enough for anything in this life you live on.

Without further a do i will now share my Story

It all started back when i was a kid i was around six years old.
I was finding out myself as a boy and everything i looked on.. would fascinate me. One day my older brother decided to place under the house TV Cable(You would have around 80 channels some of them you couldnt see it well because they were codefied but you could see throw)
So the day i decided to check the channels i was really happy because i could animated kid cartoons, Cartoon Network.(This was where i was learning to understand english)
Well.. Everything seemed fine until i had a slip and decided to check other channels on my Tv Cable. Searching throw it. I ended up on a codefied channel and there was explicit nudity despite the image being trubbling.
I could hear the female woman moaning and the guy who was actually fucking her saying 'te gustas?' the female replied with 'sin nino me gusta mucho' .
I didn't had a clue of what was going on but that was trigger to get me high under my pants. But i didn't know about the fap or i didn't knew much what my Dick stand beside peeing so i had just stand there watching the channel with a boner.
Well i felt excited and i didnt know about this feeling. I decided in the upcoming days to keep on watching the same channel every so on. Man i was going crazy.. and i was triggered everytime i would wake up i had urges of rubbering myself onto my bed.

As i was on a process of finding myself i didnt knew about Vaginas, Penis Sex. Until one day when my parents signed me on a primary school. As kids on my time we didnt have computers, consoles or digital things. We had more physique things to do as hide and seek playing football, and diablo( some sort of 2 sticks with a rope attached and a semi oval object you had to spin it throw to the air and trying to catch it you could do cool tricks)
So there was a time when i was 8 years old i have met for the very first time a girl of many but the one i have met i felt some weird attraction i didnt know what it was has my receptors was saying (god dude you are so horny under those pants just by seeing her)
As a kid i didnt had a clue of what was going on so i proceed to know this girl i had a crush. Somedays after when we were alone i gave the first kiss not a shabby kiss a really Kiss. She was blushed and giggling. I found myself in that day like (yeaah i am the man) after some more meets with her i fell in love for this girl as we both as kids. Sadly after 2 months she left the school where we were i have never know what has happen to her and it started to get onto my head.
After 1 year, i had found myself with other girl i was interest on with 9years old by this time and i was completely aware of my propose now (since everyday and so on i watched porn on that channel not aware of what was it). I decided.. one day to call her over the boys bathroom without no one seeing us and i told her over there i did liked her a lot. We do start to kissing by then, slowly i found myself rubbering my lower parts at her lower parts until i decided to ask, why dont we lower our pants? We did and i was with a huge boner it was like i knew i was ready to fuck her she saw my dick for the first as i have seen a pussy for the very first time. We had made inside the school bathroom it felt good but she after did seem to regret it and tells me.. ' we shouldnt have did this.' Despite of her being horny as hell. We didnt make out anymore.


*Now the issues.. The whole discovery of fapping and real porn life problems.


After leaving the primary school i got to the basic school under 10 years old. I could say i was a attractive boy despite of.. being too shy... My first urges of wanting to have more sex drastically climbed up i could feel myself every boners everytime i would see a hot girl.. and on my basic school(where kids age from 10/15 are) there were plenty of them.. i had struggle with the boners.. constantly crouching down so everyone could think i was exausted or something had hurt me.. By that time as i was so shy i was afraid of meeting this pretty girls because it was something new to me and along the way boners keep on popping up like there was no tomorrow, man urges got so bad.. Until one day..

I had by then a group of friends from childhood where i usually would play football, hide n seek, prank on people and trick or threat..
Well there was this day i was playing football i dont quite remember well what had happen but one of my childhood friends turns over me and says' (laughin) fuuuck.. dude what the fuck is that do you at home fap? While i wasnt aware of it yet i said no and what was that? (He made the fap movement) saying that i would must fap 24/7 because there was a girl over the place we'd play football and i had got a boner that i haven't even seen.. So here it's when my life starts going downhill and the fapping issues kick in for the very first time.

As far this wasnt already an issue.. To add up my parents had personal issues. The kind of ambient no one wishs to be in or live with it. All this aswell starting at the age i was nine years old. There personal issues affected my growth as of not making many friends or bring even school friends at home. I couldnt even make noises whenever my father was at home. Like laughing or talking. He never was there for me on my chillhood he had many issues with alchool. The only one there supporting me was my mother.


With this said and going through a bad time.
I have thought one day to myself.. 'my friend made that movement of fappening making fun of me just because everyone saw a boner'

There was this day i was so triggered at one girl at my school that.. i at my home place decided to remind/ imitate my chillhood friend just to see what he was talking about.. i was in my bed.. in a confortable place laid down with no one at home and i made the movement up and down.. the feeling was weird but it was feeling good.. My whole body was trebbling and this was where i trully found out what was like to have a male orgasm. I had love the feeling and i kept doing it with no shame, one two.. three.. four times a day, while thinking on those girls from the school with there naked body over me. I kept doing it over days, the boners were still appearing but not has much frequency as before.. i had hit puberty by then at 13 years old where i had first spot many bubbles on my forehead. I wasnt worried with it despite people saying i had many of this bubbles.

Some girls along the way i was meeting and getting there contacts. Some would just come over me without i even knew there existance.
Despite i was already seduced by the on-going addiction. I still was doing the same things playing football, playing with friends.. went to there houses to play Playstation 1 or setting up plans to do the next day.
None the less it seems i was a perfect with no issues right? Playing football having lot of friends, going in adventures and so on. Well it all seemed great!
Until advancing one year on.. i had finally found someone i do have a crush. (Those girls that were pretty were now on my head average effects of fapping kick in). I was 14 by the way. (Still no girlfriend)
As the days pass by.. I didn't seemed to have the courage to go meet this girl that i was attracted to. I seemed to back off or fear to reach her out.. ieven tho we knew each other already from distance but i was afraid to approach her at school. (Having decided to increase fapping four times to six times a day slowly causes to me the reducing of confidence to approach a female while trading real contact for ownself pleasure and countless dopamine release)
I had felt fear. Everytime someone said 'dude go talk to her are you scared or what?' despite i was a good looking guy i feared to do it(more negative thoughts would start going in due to overfapping i slowly was losing courage.)

February 2004 valentine day.. i decide to make this girl a poem on school on history class. My teacher was looking at myself with a serious face (seemed she have seen something wrong with me) i wasn't paying attention to the class i was focusing.. saying to her what i trully felt about her.
There was a classmate.. that secretly was looking at this poem and he told the whole class i was doing a poem, it wasnt a big a deal for me, the teacher got interest in reading the poem and i handed over she got admired and she said.. Very Good who is the girl? (Smiling) I said (someone i like a lot)
Oh okay. After the class i personally did wanted to get her the paper and have a talk with her but guess what? It didn't happen.. Instead .. of reaching her out i told a classmate if he could land the poem to her.
Funny to this didnt went well.. the poem got to other girl and this girl caught interest on me(in my head i was going nuts trying to avoid hot females as much as i care) that day i got home.. depressed.. and i felt like.. why not? Lets fap more.. thinking on this two.. the feeling was great i felt my whole body satisfied and i felt it was all okay( while in reality i was avoiding female contact and interaction) using the addiction to cover up the problem. Guess what happen?! Pretty much i would ignore them and i would reach home everytime thinking on them i would release loads of sperm. The year had passed they had move on to other school and i was left with no girlfriend at sight.
After 2 Years.. I was sixteen already and i was consuming now loads of porn.. because this was the time i first had a computer and i was curious off what i could find on the internet about 'Sex' by this age my mind was already consumed and inevitably this was the point of no return. I soon started to attach myself to the virtual world 'consuming daily 3 hours of porn
Pleasuring myself 6/8 times a day (as the more pleasure i would get more depression i would feel.. more and more negative thoughts i would create
more doubt more resentiment. I had got the feeling by now it was okay to be alone that i wouldnt need no one in my life, i would get thoughts of girls by now of.. ' they were only objects ' they just want someone for money and this craziest things Porn has ' helped in a negative way' creating this so called woman model that every man wants in there head, they are discriminating woman actually .. they promote the veridict violence on sex and they are the ones that have killed the old society where love once existed.

With all this said..
I was having too much depression and i was consuming to much porn and i was satisfying myself to relief depression every so often and i couldnt stop. (But wasnt seeing i was creating more depression and negative thoughts and slowly i was getting empty inside)

About my hairline it seem fine.

Advancing a year..
I had lost a year in school.. i wasnt paying attention to studies and i felt more depressed..
until i had found a childhood friend from my basic school we started to talking and i was more cheered up was having some laugh with the shit he was telling me. Then.. there was this day.. That all have changed he knew a girl that i sundenly locked my eyes on someone that it was out this world (in my eyes in my world) and it felt depression got away i had stop for unknown reasons masturbation just like that and i was really up to this girl (besides my issues of confidence and masturbation) i asked this friend if he could introduce her to me so he did.. We had settle a place to meet after the class. After the day gone by we went to the place to meet each other it was close to the school and i can't tell.. i felt it was like love at first i had this weird feeling that i didnt felt ever for no one, we had talk a bit trade numbers and wr schedule a date. Man i was so hyped finally(saying for myself) about time to get a date i had a mix of emotions but there was a problem. You see.. As i was pleasuring myself for under 5 years my mind was already fucked up full of porn content. And i didn't know how to act infront of a girl what to say what to do. I was afraid once again on making a move. The date starts she was attached to my right arm my eyes were glacing towards her and sundenly i felt that i was in another world just me and her talking and listen to each other voices.. until.. my mind starts to play tricks on me. I check her body.. Ass.. Tits.. damn they were perfect.. sundenly my dick literally starts growing. (Comon it was 20 mins of dating) and i had a huge boner to cover it up using my hand onto my pocket due to the fact i was using sport pants.. and yeah.. it was visible at fair distance.. then to add up she decides to "why not? i will tell him im on my period and im going to the gynecologist" (on the first date). I got so horny and when heard those words i was just wishing to bang her there fill her out.. So we did got to the gynecologist and i have seen some chairs to chill with this huge (boner) visible. I have waited for her on the outside of the clinic after a few minutes she comes out and i was like heeeeyy (boner intensifies) there was a woman right on front of me sitting under the chairs we were at the clinic.. She did see my boner while i was getting up it was clear on her face she enjoyed but she was shocked at the same time and i was embarased.. I moved on and the date kept going.

We kept walking around while i was trying to focus on the date but i couldn't focus on it.. Her body was just too good .. i barelly stopped listenning to what she was saying during the date and i had my hand the whole freaking day attached to my penis.
She invites me then to her home.. but for some reason i had refused i said instead (sorry i don't go to someone home on the first date, i am not sure about this) ( because my mind was in doubt due to porn i average fapped between 6/8 times days a week.. With no stop and she literally saw me one that moment that i wasn't a male enough to take her seriously) my actions were in doubt i sundenly felt like a piece of crap! After one hour or so.. it was time to go home, despite ignoring her invite, she said to me she has enjoyed our date.. i was going to kiss her because i felt the chemistry throw her and even myself, but instead guess what i did.. I wasn't capable off. I had just gave her a kiss in the cheek and said i love you. (So bad)
Things by then had start to get even worse if they weren't already bad.. it was school vacation and summer time.. She went out off the city where we lived to go on vacations with her mother. We still had contact throw phone but i wasn't holding up things, i was obcessed by her. I induced myself in more porn and more pleasuring myself.. I was having images on my head of her naked now with some other girls i liked on the past it was intense.. and i was overly masturbating when there was to room to do it, i wanted that feeling the feeling was good so i kept pleasuring myself with no shame. Thinking of her now and 2 other girls, I managed to get a fetish where i did want to fuck two girls at the same time.
I was obcessed by the feeling.. and i wasn't in control i started to send her messages every so hour.. every day trying to talk to her, trying to make her laugh but not mentioning i wanted to fuck her.. There was this day.. she stops completely of sending me messages.. i am starting to go crazy about it and i call her on the phone.. She doesn't answer i was feeling shit ( with negative toughts of myself seeing i was no good for nothing seeing that i literally just didn't got no one more to love then her).
After a while i gaved up of trying.. i didn't send any messages for a week, until i get a message from her phone and i tried to talk with her but she after told me "oh it wasn't me that send you this message it was a colleague).
By the time i had figured out she had started showing my "love messages" to her classmates.. I was by the on a sever depression about all the situation and i told her.
"You know i wished someday we could have kids and i could marry you"
That was the last straw and she didn't want to see me anymore.
I was suffering inducing myself in porn, masturbating to relief the pain, but it was just causing more pain and depression i couldn't live without this addiction by now and i used it every so often to avoid my problems to hide myself from problems, to be a pontentional useless person.

Summer Vacations now has ended and we had started high school

By this time i was on highschool with 17 years old.. Every day i was waking up i was seeing her face.. i just couldn't let her go.. She was perfect in every aspect but i screwed to much the moment, the pontetional relationship i could have had out and i was a pussy in that time. I couldn't take her out of my mind i was still having those old personal issues to add up in my home and i reliefed myself everytime i had problem.
Every so then when i would go to highschool.. I couldn't stop thinking on this girl, she was the only thing i could think of.. breathe off, thrive for and nothing could just had changed my life by now i was feeling in crap.
There was other girl that i met from a friend days after highschool that has gotten interest on me because i told her i loved her lips and i felt like just o kiss her, she replied with "go ahead i would love that" we were are talking on Messenger, but once again i was with this weird feeling of not wanting love now and i felt i wanted to avoid her and reject her saying "i am sorry but i can't love you i think you are going to fast with this and i am not prepared because i love someone else"
I left her talking alone.. and i removed her from my contacts ignored her and days after i see her with a boyfriend.
Inside myself i was jealous i am not gonna lie and i wasted other opportunity of a relationship.
I kept on highschool and i wasn't doing well on class's i was with a sever depression, i was having bad grades, in every discipline and i could think off anything besides this girl i did date, nothing could make me happy nothing i look i could see a path.. Some people had started noticing that i was suffering and they were advising me to forget her to put her behind but my brain was to fucked up for it.
I couldn't even think right, what was right or wrong.
By then there were more persons trying to reach me out (girls now), i literally was crying at home with despair of being alone.. to compensate that i had started to pleasure more of myself. I then found a game online and start playin it to forget then pain.. I also left Highschool and lost 2 years.. I played this game it was a 3°Person Shooter but it had explicit sexual anime characters.. i started now feeling horny just by seeing those females characters and i would fap even to it.
Then i met a Russian girl online, i was seeing some bubbling but nothing special, then my brain starts to play tricks and was asking me to talk to her about sex, and that happen.. i had seduced her and we talked about it.. she had send me some nude pictures and i was horny as hell. I was seeing myself fapping there, having those sex hot talks and relief the pain but in the meantime i was creating more depression, i could have temporaly forgot the girl i did date but later at some point i commit the mistake to talk to her and it didnt went well. After 2 years of not being in highschool i returned once again to finish it.. i had around 19 years old by this time and i got to say.. due to the excessive amount of fapping through the years i seemed more and more and more lazy, i didnt feel to get up from bed, i didn't had enough strenght to keep studying or even do sports.. instead i would either play video games or return to watch 'teen porn' sometimes i would watch milf clips older woman (30's) fucking with younger dudes or some hardcore stuff.
I went throught highschool full of doubts of myself and obcessed about sex girls weewn't no longer a priority on my list. The priority i had was pleasuring myself and kept doing damage (addiction that i couldnt stop and made my brain to sensitive to any word said about sex)

To end up this already because i dont feel to write a bible. I want to point out that Fapping also made my hairline recede a bit and gave me premature hair. I am 26 already and i seek help. I seek hope i am 5 days without fapping i had made once 2 months but it was to much to handle. I hope out there someone this situation and this condition because this addiction can screw your life and bring negative effects to it aswell it will make people you once had has friends not being there anymore..
A big thanks to all that took their time to read this and i feel much better to throw this out since i've never said anything about this subject to anyone one. Thanks once again.

 

Thanks for the support i do appreciate it! I will have to beat this demon inside me. I will have to. No matter what. It has killed every single bit of me.. Controlling my thoughts my urges, the way i see woman and myself. This is a very problematic case in a person life. I can't seem to ever control it and the addiction got the best of me. I do want to reprogram my brain. No porn. No explicit images.. no thoughts. No conversations about those kind of subjects.

 

I have thought about it.
But i doubt in my country that exist's