Hello, I have struggled with porn since I was a teenager. My longest relationship has only been 7 or so months in the course of my life and I am very afraid of being in a committed relationship. Due to certain factors I also have quite significant mental health issues. I have been abstinent from porn for around 1 and a half months now. Unfortunately, there is a part of my brain that reminds me all the time how sick I am and shows me graphical images of things I have seen in porn. It is almost like an identity that exists within my mind and uses what I am most ashamed of to assault the most vulnerable parts of me. I feel shame all the time, and although I try and reason with this part of me, it is impossible to get past and effectively bullies me roughly 90-95% of every day. This might sound over the top, but every time I am not absolutely focused, it is there, plaguing my existence. I do not know how to stop this from occurring, as when it appears I am sucked into it before I can even react, and the instant painful reaction I have keeps it reinforced. It has become very hard-wired into me, and I am finally speaking out because I finally have a job after around 2 years of being out of consistent work because of my mental health. I am only 10% there in my role and am becoming more worried by the day as I know I am not able to give my full attention to my role. I am simultaneously trying to forgive myself, neutralize, provide evidence against and a variety of other sometimes well documented 'clinical' strategies while also trying to learn a position I have no experience in. It is like the devil on my shoulder (except it's my left temporal lobe). I know this is a sensitive form and many people struggle with their own mental health, so all I will say is that sometimes I can feel pretty low as a result of this. Sorry if this wasn't meant for an introduction but I have reached a bit of a breaking point and am deeply interested to hear if anyone has had or having a similar experience to my own. How do we process shame and forgive ourselves? How can we overcome guilt? Thank you, and really glad I finally got that off my chest.
